July 21st, 2011
As if life wasn’t already difficult enough for transgender people, the Alaskan government has heaped yet another obstacle in their way of living a normal life. For transgender women, proving you are a good driver is less of a criteria for receiving a license than proving you have breasts.
Shocking, I know. But then again, this is the state that brought us Sarah Palin. Can we really be surprised that they are still in the Stone Age when it comes to transgender human rights issues?
Recently, a male-to-female (MTF) transgender individual tried to get her gender changed to “female” on her driver’s license. To her surprise, the Alaska DMV denied the request, despite the fact that she possessed a valid U.S. passport and work documents identifying her as a female. The reason for this denial? She didn’t provide them with proof of breast augmentation.
Yes, it appears that having large breasts has now become criteria for MTF candidates to be considered officially female. Without proof of breast implants, the state of Alaska will continue to view these people as “male” even though the rest of their anatomy would bluntly scream “Bullshit!”
According to this Alaskan MTF person, who has lived as a woman for more than two years, “Having a driver’s license that doesn’t match my appearance and identity would place me at risk of discrimination and physical harm.” I can’t say that I can argue with her logic on this point. I would imagine possessing a driver’s license denoting her as a male would make her life excessively difficult on many levels, especially living in a hardcore red state like Alaska.
ACLU Steps In
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has taken up her cause, filing a brief against the Alaska DMV for their discriminatory practices. The ACLU claims, “It is unfair and unnecessary to require that transgender people undergo prohibitively expensive and drastic surgery in order to have accurate identity documents. No one should…be forced to make major medical decisions in order to get a driver’s license.”
Once again, I can’t say I disagree with this argument. A full MTF sex change operation is already pretty pricey, costing upwards of $75,000. This includes fees to cover:
I can’t exactly blame this woman if she didn’t have an extra $5,000-10,000 lying around for a boob job. Nor could I argue with her decision to want to avoid any additional unnecessary major surgery. I’m sure the genital procedure was intense enough.
Luckily, it appears that not all the hicks living a stone’s throw from Russia have lost their marbles. The Alaska Supreme Court has sided with the transgender woman on this issue, ruling that the Alaska Constitution’s privacy clause protects her right to self-expression and limits the government’s ability to dictate her personal health care decisions. Hopefully, that means she’ll be back on the road pretty soon, thumbing her nose at the bigoted bureaucrats that tried to keep her down.
Following in France’s Footsteps
The Alaskan government isn’t the first example of a government running amok and denying equal rights to transgenders. Could you believe that similar buffoonery was on display in France just a few years ago? Shocking, I know. The self-righteous French actually had the gall to try and make breast size the ultimate criteria for being considered female. Forget the equipment in between the legs. That doesn’t really verify your womanhood. But a couple of silicone jugs in your chest, now that’s the measure of a woman. At least according to the French.
Back in 2007, the French government tried to deny Delphine Ravise-Giard an official change in her gender status because her breasts were too small. Before her sex change operation, Ms. Ravise-Giard served in the French Air Force for many years. The French military had no problem acknowledging her identity change and updated all of her official records to indicate that she was now a woman. However, this wasn’t enough for the French government. In order for Ms. Ravise-Giard to officially finalize her change of gender status, the courts wanted her to produce written documentation that she had undergone sexual reassignment.
The court went as far as to force the French military to reverse the alterations to her records. As a result, she was once again officially male. Ms. Ravise-Giard fought the court’s ruling, and earlier this year the French Ministry of Justice ruled in her favor, saying sex reassignment was not a prerequisite for recognition of change in gender status when she is undergoing other treatments intended to alter her gender.
But the crazy French bureaucrats would not take their lumps like adults. Instead, they pushed back. The Chief Prosecutor stated that in the eyes of the court, Ms. Ravise-Giard needed breasts to be considered a woman. Furthermore, these breasts needed to be of sufficient size and permanence to satisfy the French government. In other words, hormone therapy isn’t enough. You need breast augmentation to be a real woman. Otherwise, you’re not truly serious about your gender change.
I suppose that by these standards, all women with small breasts would have their womanhood questioned by the French government. I wonder what cup size you need in order to be considered a real woman. Are B cups enough? Do you need a C cup? Where does the madness end? And for small-breasted women who do not undergo breast augmentation, how would the French classify them? Would they just place an asterisk next to the “female” designation on their driver’s license? I’m sure that would help all of the French women with body image issues feel better about themselves.
Perhaps this is all a grand scheme by French plastic surgeons to boost their profits. After all, what could possibly be a more compelling argument for breast augmentation than to tell a woman she won’t be officially considered female if her breasts are too small?
I guess there’s just no hope for our society. Human rights issues haven’t advanced nearly as far as people would like you to believe. We have ironclad proof of that in Alaska and France.
If you are a MTF candidate and would like to ensure your continued right to drive a car, better sign up for that breast augmentation procedure quick. Otherwise, you’ll be taking the bus for the indefinite future. Please contact Chicago, Illinois plastic surgeon Dr. John Kotis today to schedule your initial consultation.
Tags: Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Transgender people
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Plastic Surgery | No Comments »
July 15th, 2011
The other day, the entire writing department went on an outing to go see Bad Teacher. I actually found the movie to be surprisingly twisted, wacky and funny. The former teacher in me really appreciated the way they poked fun at many of the inept, dysfunctional middle schools out there. If you have ever taught middle school, you should definitely go see the movie. You’ll appreciate it on more levels than you can imagine.
But what I really want to focus this blog on is the unexpected ways that Cameron Diaz’s character’s quest for breast augmentation drove the action of the movie. Please note: if you plan on watching this movie, you might want to stop reading here since I may give away more of the plot than you would want to hear.
The plot centers on Cameron Diaz’s efforts to land a rich husband so that she can get out of teaching and live the good life she feels she deserves. She figures the best way to rope in a sugar daddy is to get breast augmentation. In her mind, big breasts = a big, drooling Daddy Warbucks.
Unfortunately, Cameron has one small problem. She doesn’t have the money to pay for her boob job, and her rich fiancée dumped her in order to find a girl that actually cared about more than his money. As with many of the people I regularly blog about, desperate times bring desperate measures. And Cameron is willing to do just about anything to get her breast implants.
Believe me when I say she would do anything. While her entire existence in this movie was a clinic on how to break the law and get away with it, many of these infractions were committed in the name of breast augmentation. By my count, she committed six major crimes in order to get her breast implants, and each would land her in jail for a long time:
- Embezzlement – She stole funds from the 7th grade car wash and diverted them to her boob job fund. In fairness, she probably deserved to skim some money off the top since the car wash wouldn’t have earned nearly as much money without her help. She did her best Tawny Kitaen impression writhing on the hood of a car in a wet t-shirt, invoking images of the famous Whitesnake video from the 80s.
- Identity fraud – She assumed the identity of an investigative journalist in order to gain access to the state standardized test her students would have to take.
- Assault – Not sure if I even have the right crime on this one, but she definitely broke the law when she drugged the guy who works for the state testing agency in an attempt to get her hands on the test.
- Theft – By now, you knew this would be on the list. She stole the test. In the days of No Child Left Behind, this is a serious offense.
- Tampering with state standardized tests – Yes, she forged the answers on her students’ tests so that they would get the highest score in the school. As a reward, she received a bonus totaling almost $6,000.
- Blackmail – Eventually, word got out that she stole the standardized test. But Cameron was as calculating as she was desperate. She had a contingency plan in case this situation arose. While the testing agency guy was passed out, she took a series of dirty sex photos of him. Once he declared his intention to come forward with his story, she pulled her Ace in the hole. After seeing the photos, the testing agency guy retracted his accusations, clearing Cameron of all wrong-doing.
Breaking the Law for Breast Implants
While Cameron Diaz was clearly playing an over-the-top, caricature-like character in Bad Teacher, her character is rooted in some degree of truth. Believe it or not, there are actually quite a few people out there who have committed felonies in order to pay for breast augmentation. While I won’t bore you with the litany of identity theft tales out there (just read some of my previous blog posts for those), I will tell you one sinister story involving murder.
In 2005, Cynthia Sommer was arrested and charged with first-degree murder for financial gain. Prosecutors alleged that she poisoned her Marine husband with arsenic in order to collect his $250,000 military life insurance policy.
There were lots of sordid details that painted a compelling case against her:
- Liver tests found arsenic levels 1,020 times above normal in her husband’s body at the time of death
- Her husband began showing symptoms of arsenic poisoning 10 days before he died, the same day Sommer visited a plastic surgeon’s office for a breast augmentation consultation
- Two weeks before her husband died, Sommer paid $16.95 for an Internet dating service
- Immediately following her husband’s death, Sommer got her boob job with the help of her big life insurance pay day and then began throwing raging parties at her home
- Two months after her husband died, Sommer had a new boyfriend
Cynthia Sommer was initially convicted of murder, but the judge threw out the verdict because the prosecutor’s description of her lifestyle following her husband’s death was so inflammatory that it deprived her of a fair trial. Several months later, her new lawyer requested that some remaining tissue samples taken from her husband’s body be tested for arsenic. When these new tissue samples were tested, there was no trace of arsenic. This created enough reasonable doubt to have her case dismissed.
No one, other than Cynthia Sommer, will ever truly know what happened the night her husband inexplicably died on a Marine base in San Diego. Perhaps he died of a heart attack. Perhaps she really did kill him. If so, she certainly got away with murder, but at a hefty price. She spent about 3 years in jail while her case went through the court system. Now she’s back on the streets with a 6-year-old boob job and a whopper of a legal bill that probably used up most, if not all, of her life insurance settlement. I hope for her sake that Cameron Diaz is right about the power of breast implants to rope in a sugar daddy. Otherwise, this mother of 4 will most likely never taste the good life again.
If you live in Denver, Colorado and would like to get breast augmentation, please contact Grossman plastic surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. But make sure you can pay for your surgery legally. In the world of Hollywood, Cameron Diaz got away with all of her crimes, but in real life, you’ll probably end up being some convict’s bitch for years to come, and then you won’t get to enjoy your new fake breasts.
Tags: Bad Teacher, Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Cameron Diaz
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants | No Comments »
July 6th, 2011
It’s no secret that many fighters have mangled, mutilated faces. They take a serious beating every time they step into the ring. Just ask Mickey Rourke, who opted for a massive facelift to mask the damage caused by indulging his fascination with boxing. Unfortunately for Rourke, this procedure left him looking freakish in a different way. Luckily, he’s done alright for himself by garnering movie roles that required a beat-up, scary looking guy (Sin City, Iron Man 2, and The Wrestler come to mind).
But while Mickey Rourke, and quite possibly many other fighters, turned to plastic surgery to make their face look whole again, there has been a small contingent of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighters who have discovered that facial plastic surgery can actually provide them with a competitive edge in the ring.
These fighters aren’t concerned with how they will look on the cover of a magazine or whether they can up their odds at landing the gorgeous woman sitting at the end of the bar. Instead, these fighters are turning to plastic surgery to help them endure more hits without having their face turn into Swiss cheese.
A Stitching that Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking
For many boxers and MMA fighters, a face predisposed to skin lacerations is somewhat of an Achilles heel. Once your face gets busted open, it can be difficult to see, often costing superior fighters defeat at the hands of lesser talented adversaries who are simply better human punching bags. Several years ago, one plastic surgeon from Las Vegas decided he might be able to do something to help these fighters reduce the bleeding.
It is rare that a fighter will have cuts sustained in the ring treated by a plastic surgeon. Instead, these wounds are attended to by medical professionals who do not possess the refined skill in scar tissue management and suturing. Instead of closing these wounds in layers, many fight doctors simply stitch up the outermost layer of skin. The next time the fighter gets hit in that region, these poorly closed wounds are easily sliced through. This new cut is then stitched up in the same shoddy manner, starting an endless cycle that leaves the skin about as durable as a piece of tissue paper.
Dr. Frank Stile figured that if he were to replace this ground up skin with more stable tissue, it might reverse the damage caused by layer upon layer of poor post-fight stitching. His first guinea pig was MMA fighter Nick Diaz. Dr. Stile used sterilized donor tissue from a cadaver to replace the weak scar tissue causing Diaz to bleed profusely at every fight. He also smoothed the sharp edges of Diaz’s facial bones, making them less likely to cause additional cuts when sustaining blows to the face in the future. Unlike the superficial suturing Diaz received after fights, Dr. Stile sewed the incision wounds from this procedure properly, providing additional strength that previously never existed.
The procedure was a huge success, and Nick Diaz rarely develops serious cuts during fights anymore. This has helped him earn the welterweight title in Strikeforce, the second largest MMA league (UFC is the largest).
Dr. Stile has performed similar facial plastic surgery procedures on several other MMA fighters, achieving excellent results. He has begun experimenting with other procedures as well. Recently, Dr. Stile performed a nose job on UFC fighter Phil Baroni to correct a deviated septum caused by several broken noses. This procedure has helped Baroni breathe more easily and as a result, he no longer needs to keep his jaw hanging wide open in order to get sufficient amounts of air. Dr. Stile expects nose reconstruction to become big for many fighters in the near future.
Does this Go Too Far?
There are obvious ethical questions associated with the use of surgical procedures to create a competitive edge. What if plastic surgeons began placing jaw implants in fighters to make it harder for an opponent to deliver a knock-out blow? Would this be crossing a line? Clearly, the fighter than can withstand a severe beating experiences a tremendous advantage over those who are predisposed to cutting and bleeding.
Currently, it seems that the use of plastic surgery among fighters is not being questioned by the MMA organizations they fight for. However, it will be interesting to see if regulations get imposed as these surgeries become a more prominent part of the sport.
If you are an MMA fighter in the New York City area looking to boost your competitive edge, please contact Dr. George Lefkovits today to schedule your initial consultation. Experience the difference a new face can make in taking a good punch.
Tags: facial plastic surgery, Mickey Rourke, Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), Nick Diaz
Posted in Facelift, Plastic Surgery | No Comments »
June 29th, 2011
How much would you sacrifice for plastic surgery? Would you go without food? Would you give up a free car? Would you hold off on buying a house? If your name is Laura Summers, the answer is “all of the above.” Yes, this 26-year-old, who is being called the vainest woman in Britain (a difficult achievement in its own right), has taken some pretty extreme measures to feed her plastic surgery addiction.
This pseudo-model/celebrity-in-her-own-mind has accumulated more than $48,000 if debt in order to chase that perfect body. I’m not quite sure she’s found what she’s looking for, but I’m pretty confident she’ll be paying the bill for the rest of her life.
You might be wondering what nearly $50,000 of debt buys you on the plastic surgery market. For Laura Summers, it got her:
Ouch. That’s a world of pain to look like a Barbie doll. And remember, she’s only 26. She’s got a lifetime of plastic surgery ahead of her. If she ever lands a husband pops out a few kids, you know she’ll need a tummy tuck and some liposuction to get her body back. And I’m sure she’ll have multiple facelifts before she hits 50. Who knows, maybe there will even be a few more breast augmentations in her future. She seems to really like undergoing the procedure.
Speaking of breast augmentation, I find it somewhat ironic that she has had her boobs enlarged four times and reduced once. Sounds like someone can’t make up her mind. Should I go big or should I go small? These are too big, maybe just a tad bit smaller. Oops, I went too small, time for a new set of breast implants to boost them back up. They’re currently a 32FF. I wonder if she’ll take a shot at Sheyla Hershey’s Breast Implant Champion of the World title. Hershey should be easy to knock off these days. She’s currently in a coma. I doubt she’ll put up much of a fight.
Lucky for us, Laura’s not in charge of handling our debt ceiling talks. When forced to make those tough decisions on what programs to cut, she’d surely sacrifice Social Security for boob jobs.
On a better day, I’m sure I’d have a few more snarky comments about Laura Summers. But for some reason, I’m speechless. Congratulations Laura. You are the first plastic surgery addict to leave me at a loss for words to make fun of your affliction. Perhaps it’s because my stomach is tied up in knots by the sheer amount of debt you’ve been willing to shoulder to improve your appearance. I’m just in shock that the lenders haven’t started repossessing your breast implants. I guess there isn’t much of a market for used silicone these days.
If you live in the Denver, Colorado area and can actually afford your desired plastic surgery procedure, please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. But beware – Dr. Grossman doesn’t have much patience for people who can’t pay their bill. He’ll just send his goons over to your house and bust up your knee caps.
Tags: Breast Augmentation, Plastic Surgery, plastic surgery addicts
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Breast Reduction, Plastic Surgery, Plastic Surgery Addict, Undisputed Breast Implant Champion of the World | No Comments »
June 22nd, 2011
Most wedding registries are pretty boring. Personally, I dread coming up with a wedding gift for my friends on their big day. Who really wants to give someone a new waffle iron or matching cups and saucers that will never see the outside of the cupboard? I don’t really understand why people waste their time asking for stuff they neither need nor care about.
Apparently, a couple in Britain didn’t care much for the useless crap most people place on a wedding registry. So they decided to take a different approach with theirs. They asked their friends and relatives to kick them some cash so that the lucky lady can get breast augmentation.
Imagine clicking the link to the happy couple’s wedding registry and seeing just one item – a set of breast implants. That’s right. Just two big gooey sacks of silicone staring you in the face. It doesn’t get any tackier than that. I can’t imagine what went through grandma’s mind when she found out her darling granddaughter wanted her to pony up some cash for a new set of boobs.
It kind of goes against the whole image of purity associated with marriage, don’t you think? Instead of true love, you are bombarded by images of seedy strip clubs with Motley Crue blaring behind fake-breasted women spinning around a pole. Yup, that’s what I want my grandma to think about when she arrives at my wedding.
Shameless Request Made in Verse
Louise and Les Hampson are not only trashy and tacky, but they are also pretty crappy poets. But that didn’t stop them from trying to get a little too cutesy with their shameless plea for contributions to the boob job fund. They placed this literary masterpiece on their wedding invitation:
We have already got a kettle and toaster
Crockery, dinner mats, and matching coasters
So rather than something we have already got
We would appreciate money for Louise’s boob job pot
Once again, I’m thinking about how proud grandma must have felt when the wedding invitation arrived in the mail. The look of joy in her eyes as she opened the envelope. And then, WHAM! She’s hit over the head with a boob job poem that could have been written by a 3rd grader. Poor grandma. I hope her fragile, aging heart was able to withstand the shock.
Jackpot!
For several years, Louise has dreamed of getting breast augmentation. The 33-year-old tanning salon assistant used to love wearing low-cut tops, but after 3 kids from a different baby-daddy, her 32D breasts were not as perky as they used to be. She became increasingly self-conscious about her breasts after she started dating Les, who probably hasn’t seen too many other droopy hooters at the ripe old age of 24. When he finally popped the big question, she hatched her grand scheme to get everyone in their social circles to foot the bill on her boob job.
I have to admit, I’m a little shocked that he agreed. Regardless of whether he’d prefer his wife to have fake breasts, I can’t believe he’d give up this once in a lifetime opportunity to get a big chunk of cash and gifts from his family and friends. All of a sudden, all the wedding gifts are only about her. He gets nothing. No cash to help pay for the honeymoon or a down payment on a house. No cool gifts that he could take advantage of too. Just a lifelong silicone reminder that he got played for a sucker.
As it turns out, Louise was able to raise exactly enough money to pay for her breast implants. Her family and friends donated 2,000 pounds ($3,228) to the boob job fund, which matched the amount Louise had already saved. And like that, her 32Ds became 32DDs.
Louise got her breast augmentation last month, and she’s almost ready to reveal the results to the world. “My boobs are almost healed,” she said. “Soon I will be showing them off in all their glory!”
Just make sure you spare grandma the sight. I’m sure this travesty has given her enough grief already.
If you live in the Scottsdale, Arizona area and would like to parlay your wedding checks into a set of perky new breast implants, please contact Dr. Bryan Gawley today to schedule your free initial consultation. Give your husband the gift that keeps on giving. Every time he plays with those giant silicone bombs in the sack, he’ll think of your wedding day and all the joy it’s brought him.
Tags: Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Wedding Registry
Posted in Boob Job Bride, Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants | No Comments »
June 15th, 2011
Some people will do just about anything to preserve their freedom. And I mean anything. In hindsight, these actions don’t always seem to make sense. But I’m sure when you are a wanted fugitive by the Mexican police, desperation trumps rational behavior.
Last week, federal prosecutors in Mexico City announced that they arrested Aaron Vera Morales on fraud charges. However, this was not your ordinary fraud case, nor was it your ordinary man hunt. That is, if you can even call it a “man” hunt.
According to the Mexico City attorney general’s office, Morales had plastic surgery to make him look like a woman in order to avoid being captured by the police. That’s right. Some people get a facelift or dye their hair. Some people even grow a burly beard in order to change their appearance. But that wasn’t enough for Aaron Vera Morales. He was going to make sure there was no way that police would ever recognize him. If Mexican authorities were looking for a man, well then why not become a woman?
I suppose that when you’re terrified about spending time behind bars, it might seem worth pushing the boundaries of disguise as far as possible, and there is no greater disguise than looking like a member of the opposite sex. Except there was one small problem with Aaron Vera Morales’ plan – he got caught!
Does anyone else find this as funny as I do? I guess he should have gone to a better plastic surgeon. I’m sure his new appearance will be a hit in jail. All the other inmates will be hooting and hollering at him. If anyone needs to be careful about dropping the soap in the shower, it’s Aaron Vera Morales.
I wonder whether he’ll be placed in a male prison or a female prison. Authorities were not sure whether he actually went as far as getting a sex change operation or just got plastic surgery to look like a woman. I feel bad for the lucky guard who gets the job of figuring that out.
A Gender Bending Transformation
I dug as hard as I could to find out what Morales did to change his appearance like this. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any information about the plastic surgery procedures involved in this gender bending transformation. But that’s OK. It’s more fun to speculate anyway.
I’m sure he got breast augmentation. That’s kind of an essential procedure if you are trying to make a man look like a woman. But he also had to tweak his face to make it look more feminine. He’s only 33, so a full facelift would be a bit much. I think a few more subtle alterations would be more effective. Like these:
- Cheek implants to give him sultry, feminine cheek bones
- Lip augmentation for that pouty Angelina Jolie look
- Latisse for luscious, long eye lashes befitting a woman on the run
- Laser hair removal so that he doesn’t look like the bearded lady
- A nose job for a more tapered, feminine facial contour
Jeez, this could start getting expensive. When you consider the fact that he only stole about $200,000 from the government, all of this surgery probably came close to eating up all of his “on the lam” funds. Plus, I’m sure the plastic surgeon found it a bit odd that a man would go to such lengths to look like a woman. Morales wasn’t exactly keeping a low profile.
When he was finally captured, Morales was carrying identification that indicated he was a woman. Interestingly, he won’t face any charges regarding the false ID since Mexican law allows people to legally change their gender identity. I guess he picked the right country to pull a “Tootsie.”
Was it Worth the Risk?
Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 and in this case, it clearly was not worth the risk. After all, he still got caught, despite the extreme measures taken to avoid arrest.
But let’s look at this from a different perspective. While I don’t know the criminal laws that apply in Mexico, I do know that Morales wasn’t exactly wanted for murder. He was charged with defrauding a government health agency on a sound system contract. And this fraud only netted him $200,000.
I can’t imagine he’d face all that much jail time for his crimes. A few years maybe? But it’s doubtful he’d be spending the bulk of his adult life behind bars. Under these circumstances, I would think that getting plastic surgery to look like a woman is a bit extreme. Maybe a facelift, but not the gender bender procedure. If I were Morales, I’d want all my equipment intact for when I got out of jail. After all, he should be out in time to spend decades on the dating circuit.
But after spending several years behind bars, it’ll probably be difficult to find a lucky lady to help relieve his dreaded semen buildup now that he looks like this:
If you are on the run from authorities in the Chicago, Illinois area and need to turn that manly jawline into a soft, feminine profile, please contact Dr. John Kotis at The Center for Cosmetic & Reconstructive Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Just be sure to tell Dr. Kotis you don’t want your before and after photos posted on his website or sent to the FBI.
Posted in Mexican fugitives, Plastic Surgery | No Comments »
June 8th, 2011
I suppose now I have another bloated, narcissistic, overly self-important awards show to avoid like the plague. As if the world of plastic surgery wasn’t already tacky enough, they have found a way to up the ante even further. Not to be outdone by the music and film industries, plastic surgeons decided to stage an award show of their own last weekend. And just like that, The Aesthetic Awards were born.
The awards ceremony was held in one of the only two cities sufficiently devoid of soul to accommodate this fiasco – Las Vegas (Los Angeles would have also fit the bill perfectly). Under the neon glow of the Vegas strip, hordes of plastic surgeons gathered for an evening of self-aggrandizing and revelry. Hopefully they left their scalpels at home. Otherwise, they might give new meaning to a walk down the “red” carpet.
Of course, it should come as no surprise that this horrific event was sponsored by Allergan, the plastic surgery pimps who have brought us products such as BOTOX, Juvederm, Natrelle breast implants, and Viagra (gotta throw a bone to the dirty old men who want to get it on with these artificial looking babes).
And the Winner Is…
Plastic surgeons from across the country gathered to find out if they would be named a winner in one of the following categories:
- Best Facial Injectable Enhancement
- Best Surgical Facial Rejuvenation Enhancement
- Best Non-Surgical Facial Rejuvenation Enhancement
- Best Surgical Body Shaping Enhancement
- Best Non-Invasive Body Shaping Enhancement
- Best Overall Facial Make-Over (combination of procedures)
- Best Overall Body Makeover (combination of procedures)
And then there was the most coveted prize, the Best Picture equivalent of the Aesthetic Awards:
- Best Overall Patient Enhancement
That’s right. Turn an ugly duckling into a swan, dig deep and pull out all your magic tricks, create a Frankenstunner, and you might actually be given the grand prize “Best Overall Patient Enhancement.” But better make sure that patient started out real hideous. Otherwise you don’t stand a chance.
I’m somewhat surprised at the one major omission on this awards list. Where is the “Best Boob Job” award? I mean, let’s be honest. Breast augmentation is the bread and butter of most plastic surgery practices. A boob job is a dime a dozen in this country. Why not acknowledge the surgeon who performs them better than the rest? It would be a huge boon to his business if he could advertise “Award Winning Boob Jobs.” If one of our surgeons could boast that accomplishment, I’d beat it to death on his website. You’d see it everywhere till it made you nauseous.
I suppose congratulations are in order for Dr. Peter Newen. He came home the big winner, grabbing the Best Overall Patient Enhancement award along with the Best Overall Facial Make-Over award. Of course, he’s from Orange County, California, where plastic grows on palm trees. I’m sure he would tell you his patients are the big winners.
That’s an Award?
Judging by that award in Dr. Newen’s hands, it seems like they need to go back to the drawing board before next year’s award ceremony. Consider the trophies for winners of other awards ceremonies:
- The Grammys give out a really cool gold phonograph
- The Oscars give out an elegant, bald, golden statue
- The Tony Awards give out a detailed, yet disturbing medallion with two very frightening faces on it
- The MTV VMAs give out a silver statue of a spaceman setting the MTV flag on the moon (hearkening back to their founding days)
But what the hell is that award Dr. Newen is holding? Pretty paltry if you ask me. Not nearly narcissistic and gaudy enough for the profession it is honoring. I think next year, the Aesthetic Awards should give out a golden boob. That seems much more appropriate, don’t you think?
After his big night at the Aesthetic Awards, Dr. Newen will most likely be booked through the end of the decade. If you are looking for a plastic surgeon in the Orange County, California area, contact Dr. Douglas Hendricks at the Pacifica Cosmetic Surgery Center instead. Dr. Hendricks is quite good too, even if he didn’t win any awards.
Posted in Botox, Breast Augmentation, Plastic Surgery | No Comments »
June 2nd, 2011
Have you just gone through a nasty divorce? Feeling a bit scorned by an ex-spouse who doesn’t find you attractive anymore? Well, then you just might be a candidate for “revenge surgery,” a growing trend in society today where people are rushing to get plastic surgery after a divorce. After all, nothing says f–k you to an ex-spouse like a hot new body, bigger boobs, or a younger looking face.
I’m being serious here. Revenge surgery is a real phenomenon, and it is on the rise throughout the country. A recent study found that approximately 26% of people undergoing plastic surgery were recently divorced. In other words, one in four people who go under the knife to make themselves look better are just coming out of a failed marriage. That’s a pretty large percentage.
I suppose the real question is what is the real motivation for revenge surgery? Is it to get back at your ex and make him or her feel jealous that you look better now than when they had you? If so, that‘s pretty petty and speaks to the ugly side of humanity.
But what if the reason for revenge surgery wasn’t revenge at all? What if it were to get a little help boosting your chances once you get back in the dating game? Chances are, if you just got divorced, it’s been years since you’ve gone on a date. You may even have let yourself go a little bit during your marriage. After all, you know you’re getting some at the end of the day. No need to look your best, right? (Note: this is not my opinion, but merely speculation for the sake of a better argument.) If this is the case, then maybe you need a little bit of help landing your next husband or wife.
Obviously, there are some marriages that were just doomed from the start and only lasted a few years, if that long. In these cases, you might still be in your prime years and probably don’t need any cosmetic enhancements to rope in a new stud. If that’s the case for you, then go out there and get ‘em cowgirl.
But many recent divorcees are anywhere from their mid 30s to their late 40s, possibly even their early 50s. There may have even been a few kids in the marriage, which can take its toll on your body, put bags under your eyes, and leave you chock full of gray hairs. Most likely, you may not be on the top of the list of dateable middle age singles. In this case, you may want to kick off cougardom in style with a few nips and tucks. I can see it. I’d laugh at you and call you vain, but I can see it.
According to one plastic surgeon from Houston, the most common revenge surgery procedures for women are:
For men, the procedures are slightly different:
It appears women are looking to get back that bumping body while men are simply trying not to look too old.
I think more research is needed before we can truly name this phenomenon “revenge surgery.” The writer in me prefers a slightly more colorful moniker – I think we should say that these people are getting “cougarized.”
If you are looking to stick it to (but not in) your ex right after the dust settles on your divorce, please contact Dallas, Texas plastic surgeon Dr. Vasdev Rai today to schedule your revenge surgery consultation. Time to get cougarized!
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
May 26th, 2011
The Brazilian Butt Lift – padding the booties of women across the world. Millions served (perhaps just thousands, I don’t have data to back this figure up). Making J Lo’s butt less and less unique by the day. Prompting more and more guys out there to want to “slap ‘dat ass!” I’m sure you get the picture. You want a big butt, get a Brazilian Butt Lift. And voila, Sir Mix-a-Lot will be knocking at your door.
If you haven’t heard of it, I’m not all that surprised. After all, not everyone is looking for a little extra junk in their trunk. But for those of you who would like to be a little more bootyliscious, you essentially have two options.
Option #1 – Buttock implants, which involve having a silicone implant permanently shoved into your butt cheek for added volume. Not only is this disgusting, but it is very dangerous. When performed improperly, the procedure can result in a serious infection or a hard, lumpy butt. Don’t do this people. I beg you.
Option #2 is equally gross, but not quite as bad for your health. It is called the Brazilian Butt Lift, and it involves having liposuction to remove a bunch of fat from another part of your body and then shooting that fat into your butt. I’m not advocating getting this procedure either, but it is certainly the lesser of 2 evils. At least your butt won’t be hard and lumpy, and your boyfriend won’t recoil in disgust when he sees the implant shift after giving you a little love tap.
Got Badonkadonk?
Recently, RealSelf.com released a survey that shows us clearly which parts of the country are enamored with big butts. I should note that this survey doesn’t tell us how many people actually go through with the procedure, it just tells us how many people are searching for information about it on the Internet. The results are quite interesting.
It appears that the east coast, particularly Florida and Georgia, have the booty on the brain. The top five cities to regularly search for Brazilian Butt Lift information are:
- Miami
- New York City
- Atlanta
- West Palm Beach
- Orlando
I suppose this makes sense since most of these cities experience more bikini-wearing weather than colder parts of the country. And let’s be honest, the people in Miami are really tacky. But I am deeply saddened to see my childhood home (New York) rank #2 in butt lift searches. Really New York? This just doesn’t make much sense. If you were to tell me New York was top 5 in nose job searches, I’d get it. Many of my fellow tribeswomen received nose jobs for their Sweet 16, and I’m sure many more have sought help in taming their Jewish shnoz as an adult. But the butt lift? I would’ve thought New Yorkers had better things to fill their time with.
Booty Free and Proud of It
However, my dismay over New York’s superficial shortcomings is more than compensated for by my pride in my current hometown’s showing on this survey. The city with the least amount of Brazilian Butt Lift searches is none other than Denver, Colorado. In all fairness, I can’t actually call Denver my hometown. My true allegiances are to Boulder and Vail, where I have actually lived. But Denver is in the vicinity, and the people there are not that much different than those in Boulder and Vail. So I’ll take it. Score one for Rocky Mountain living.
Rounding out the top 5 cities engaging in the least amount of butt lift searches are:
- Phoenix
- San Diego
- Seattle
- Boston
Notice a trend? West of the Rockies, we tend to obsess over things other than big butts. Where I live, we spend so much time checking the snow report that we totally forget to look into procedures that guarantee a big ol’ booty. I’m a bit surprised that Boston cracked this list, but I guess maybe there are some redeeming qualities to the Massholes after all.
If you are looking into getting a Brazilian Butt Lift in the Denver, Colorado area, I should warn you that everyone will laugh at you. We are clearly not very preoccupied with such trivial matters as the badonkadonk. But if you must, then please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your free initial consultation.
Posted in Brazilian Butt Lift | No Comments »
May 20th, 2011
Beware, The Rapture is upon us! Start repenting at once, because by this time tomorrow you will either be:
- Sucked into Heaven by the second coming of Jesus, or
- Doomed to spend another 5 months enduring Hell on earth before Satan welcomes you to his fiery abode
At least, this is what a small group of wacky Christians led by Harold Camping would like you to believe.
I have heard some asinine questions posed in relation to The Rapture. I think the most entertaining was, “What will happen to my pet if I’m taken to Heaven?” Even better was the response from a group of atheists who began offering post-Rapture pet insurance to believers who are sure they’re poised for the Great Ascent. There have actually been 259 people who paid $135 to have their pet cared for by an atheist. Too bad I’m a Jew by pedigree. I could’ve gotten in on some easy cash if I were an official card carrying atheist.
But I’m interested in a slightly different question. One that I have yet to hear anyone utter, most likely for fear of the sheer blasphemy it implies. My question is: What happens to women with breast implants? Will Jesus bring them to Heaven during The Rapture, or do they violate some ancient biblical laws regarding plastic surgery?
I only ask because I’m wondering what the potential dating pool will look like next week. Will I be stuck courting vain, superficial women flaunting their gaudy breast implants, or will I be able to find a nice, down-to-earth girl who sees the value in staying au naturale? I’m really hoping Jesus is a fake boob man.
Bible Leaves No Clues
I’ve been scouring the Internet all day to find some sort of clue that would unlock the secret to this mystery. The best I could find are a few Christian theological websites claiming that the bible does not specifically address plastic surgery. Gee, you don’t say. I would find it a bit strange if there were any passages on plastic surgery in the bible. This field of elective medicine didn’t exist in the days when Jesus first roamed the earth.
But then again, if God is all-knowing, I suppose He could have foreseen the coming of the boob job. However, giving this little secret away nearly 2000 years ago (5000 if you are talking Old Testament) would probably have rattled His faithful followers in ancient times. “A sack full of silicone that makes your breasts bigger. It’s a miracle! What is silicone anyway?” (editor’s note: read this quote with thick, Jackie Mason-like Jewish accent)
End of the World Party
Of course, this takes me back to my original question. When Jesus makes his grand return to earth tomorrow to suck all of those who truly believe into Heaven, will he look favorably on those who turned to breast augmentation? After all, they have done everything possible to look their best for the Big Man on Judgment Day. They deserve to be rewarded for their efforts.
If we’re lucky, Jesus likes the porn. That way, he’ll want to surround himself with the many big breasted babes scattered throughout the pages of his favorite smut magazines. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Harold Camping got Raptured up to Heaven only to find out that it was essentially a giant orgy designed to provide Jesus with an eternity of silicone-breasted pleasure? Talk about a massive dose of karma for the 89-year-old cult leader.
I’m pretty confident that if I wasn’t already punching a ticket to Hell, this blog post will seal the deal. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure the Hell-on-earth party will be much more fun than the one thrown by Harold Camping and the rest of his Rapture followers. And if I’m lucky, our party will be free of unsightly breast implants. No need to spend the next five months surrounded by the Silicone Nation.
If you live in New York City and want a last minute breast augmentation to make yourself more enticing to Jesus before The Rapture, please contact Dr. George Lefkovits today to schedule your free initial consultation. If you can’t get an appointment before The Rapture, don’t worry. Dr. Lefkovits is Jewish. He’ll be left behind for sure.
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Plastic Surgery, The Rapture | No Comments »
Entries (RSS) | Comments (RSS).
|
