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Archive for June, 2011British Woman Goes Almost $50K into Debt to Feed Plastic Surgery AddictionWednesday, June 29th, 2011 How much would you sacrifice for plastic surgery? Would you go without food? Would you give up a free car? Would you hold off on buying a house? If your name is Laura Summers, the answer is “all of the above.” Yes, this 26-year-old, who is being called the vainest woman in Britain (a difficult achievement in its own right), has taken some pretty extreme measures to feed her plastic surgery addiction. This pseudo-model/celebrity-in-her-own-mind has accumulated more than $48,000 if debt in order to chase that perfect body. I’m not quite sure she’s found what she’s looking for, but I’m pretty confident she’ll be paying the bill for the rest of her life.
You might be wondering what nearly $50,000 of debt buys you on the plastic surgery market. For Laura Summers, it got her:
Ouch. That’s a world of pain to look like a Barbie doll. And remember, she’s only 26. She’s got a lifetime of plastic surgery ahead of her. If she ever lands a husband pops out a few kids, you know she’ll need a tummy tuck and some liposuction to get her body back. And I’m sure she’ll have multiple facelifts before she hits 50. Who knows, maybe there will even be a few more breast augmentations in her future. She seems to really like undergoing the procedure. Speaking of breast augmentation, I find it somewhat ironic that she has had her boobs enlarged four times and reduced once. Sounds like someone can’t make up her mind. Should I go big or should I go small? These are too big, maybe just a tad bit smaller. Oops, I went too small, time for a new set of breast implants to boost them back up. They’re currently a 32FF. I wonder if she’ll take a shot at Sheyla Hershey’s Breast Implant Champion of the World title. Hershey should be easy to knock off these days. She’s currently in a coma. I doubt she’ll put up much of a fight. Lucky for us, Laura’s not in charge of handling our debt ceiling talks. When forced to make those tough decisions on what programs to cut, she’d surely sacrifice Social Security for boob jobs. On a better day, I’m sure I’d have a few more snarky comments about Laura Summers. But for some reason, I’m speechless. Congratulations Laura. You are the first plastic surgery addict to leave me at a loss for words to make fun of your affliction. Perhaps it’s because my stomach is tied up in knots by the sheer amount of debt you’ve been willing to shoulder to improve your appearance. I’m just in shock that the lenders haven’t started repossessing your breast implants. I guess there isn’t much of a market for used silicone these days. If you live in the Denver, Colorado area and can actually afford your desired plastic surgery procedure, please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. But beware – Dr. Grossman doesn’t have much patience for people who can’t pay their bill. He’ll just send his goons over to your house and bust up your knee caps. Tags: Breast Augmentation, Plastic Surgery, plastic surgery addicts Couple Asks Wedding Guests to Contribute to Bride’s Breast Augmentation FundWednesday, June 22nd, 2011 Most wedding registries are pretty boring. Personally, I dread coming up with a wedding gift for my friends on their big day. Who really wants to give someone a new waffle iron or matching cups and saucers that will never see the outside of the cupboard? I don’t really understand why people waste their time asking for stuff they neither need nor care about. Apparently, a couple in Britain didn’t care much for the useless crap most people place on a wedding registry. So they decided to take a different approach with theirs. They asked their friends and relatives to kick them some cash so that the lucky lady can get breast augmentation.
Imagine clicking the link to the happy couple’s wedding registry and seeing just one item – a set of breast implants. That’s right. Just two big gooey sacks of silicone staring you in the face. It doesn’t get any tackier than that. I can’t imagine what went through grandma’s mind when she found out her darling granddaughter wanted her to pony up some cash for a new set of boobs. It kind of goes against the whole image of purity associated with marriage, don’t you think? Instead of true love, you are bombarded by images of seedy strip clubs with Motley Crue blaring behind fake-breasted women spinning around a pole. Yup, that’s what I want my grandma to think about when she arrives at my wedding.
Shameless Request Made in Verse Louise and Les Hampson are not only trashy and tacky, but they are also pretty crappy poets. But that didn’t stop them from trying to get a little too cutesy with their shameless plea for contributions to the boob job fund. They placed this literary masterpiece on their wedding invitation: We have already got a kettle and toaster Crockery, dinner mats, and matching coasters So rather than something we have already got We would appreciate money for Louise’s boob job pot Once again, I’m thinking about how proud grandma must have felt when the wedding invitation arrived in the mail. The look of joy in her eyes as she opened the envelope. And then, WHAM! She’s hit over the head with a boob job poem that could have been written by a 3rd grader. Poor grandma. I hope her fragile, aging heart was able to withstand the shock.
Jackpot! For several years, Louise has dreamed of getting breast augmentation. The 33-year-old tanning salon assistant used to love wearing low-cut tops, but after 3 kids from a different baby-daddy, her 32D breasts were not as perky as they used to be. She became increasingly self-conscious about her breasts after she started dating Les, who probably hasn’t seen too many other droopy hooters at the ripe old age of 24. When he finally popped the big question, she hatched her grand scheme to get everyone in their social circles to foot the bill on her boob job. I have to admit, I’m a little shocked that he agreed. Regardless of whether he’d prefer his wife to have fake breasts, I can’t believe he’d give up this once in a lifetime opportunity to get a big chunk of cash and gifts from his family and friends. All of a sudden, all the wedding gifts are only about her. He gets nothing. No cash to help pay for the honeymoon or a down payment on a house. No cool gifts that he could take advantage of too. Just a lifelong silicone reminder that he got played for a sucker.
As it turns out, Louise was able to raise exactly enough money to pay for her breast implants. Her family and friends donated 2,000 pounds ($3,228) to the boob job fund, which matched the amount Louise had already saved. And like that, her 32Ds became 32DDs. Louise got her breast augmentation last month, and she’s almost ready to reveal the results to the world. “My boobs are almost healed,” she said. “Soon I will be showing them off in all their glory!” Just make sure you spare grandma the sight. I’m sure this travesty has given her enough grief already. If you live in the Scottsdale, Arizona area and would like to parlay your wedding checks into a set of perky new breast implants, please contact Dr. Bryan Gawley today to schedule your free initial consultation. Give your husband the gift that keeps on giving. Every time he plays with those giant silicone bombs in the sack, he’ll think of your wedding day and all the joy it’s brought him. Tags: Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Wedding Registry Mexican Fugitive Gets Gender Bending Plastic Surgery to Avoid CaptureWednesday, June 15th, 2011 Some people will do just about anything to preserve their freedom. And I mean anything. In hindsight, these actions don’t always seem to make sense. But I’m sure when you are a wanted fugitive by the Mexican police, desperation trumps rational behavior. Last week, federal prosecutors in Mexico City announced that they arrested Aaron Vera Morales on fraud charges. However, this was not your ordinary fraud case, nor was it your ordinary man hunt. That is, if you can even call it a “man” hunt. According to the Mexico City attorney general’s office, Morales had plastic surgery to make him look like a woman in order to avoid being captured by the police. That’s right. Some people get a facelift or dye their hair. Some people even grow a burly beard in order to change their appearance. But that wasn’t enough for Aaron Vera Morales. He was going to make sure there was no way that police would ever recognize him. If Mexican authorities were looking for a man, well then why not become a woman? I suppose that when you’re terrified about spending time behind bars, it might seem worth pushing the boundaries of disguise as far as possible, and there is no greater disguise than looking like a member of the opposite sex. Except there was one small problem with Aaron Vera Morales’ plan – he got caught! Does anyone else find this as funny as I do? I guess he should have gone to a better plastic surgeon. I’m sure his new appearance will be a hit in jail. All the other inmates will be hooting and hollering at him. If anyone needs to be careful about dropping the soap in the shower, it’s Aaron Vera Morales. I wonder whether he’ll be placed in a male prison or a female prison. Authorities were not sure whether he actually went as far as getting a sex change operation or just got plastic surgery to look like a woman. I feel bad for the lucky guard who gets the job of figuring that out. A Gender Bending Transformation I dug as hard as I could to find out what Morales did to change his appearance like this. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any information about the plastic surgery procedures involved in this gender bending transformation. But that’s OK. It’s more fun to speculate anyway. I’m sure he got breast augmentation. That’s kind of an essential procedure if you are trying to make a man look like a woman. But he also had to tweak his face to make it look more feminine. He’s only 33, so a full facelift would be a bit much. I think a few more subtle alterations would be more effective. Like these:
Jeez, this could start getting expensive. When you consider the fact that he only stole about $200,000 from the government, all of this surgery probably came close to eating up all of his “on the lam” funds. Plus, I’m sure the plastic surgeon found it a bit odd that a man would go to such lengths to look like a woman. Morales wasn’t exactly keeping a low profile. When he was finally captured, Morales was carrying identification that indicated he was a woman. Interestingly, he won’t face any charges regarding the false ID since Mexican law allows people to legally change their gender identity. I guess he picked the right country to pull a “Tootsie.” Was it Worth the Risk? Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 and in this case, it clearly was not worth the risk. After all, he still got caught, despite the extreme measures taken to avoid arrest. But let’s look at this from a different perspective. While I don’t know the criminal laws that apply in Mexico, I do know that Morales wasn’t exactly wanted for murder. He was charged with defrauding a government health agency on a sound system contract. And this fraud only netted him $200,000. I can’t imagine he’d face all that much jail time for his crimes. A few years maybe? But it’s doubtful he’d be spending the bulk of his adult life behind bars. Under these circumstances, I would think that getting plastic surgery to look like a woman is a bit extreme. Maybe a facelift, but not the gender bender procedure. If I were Morales, I’d want all my equipment intact for when I got out of jail. After all, he should be out in time to spend decades on the dating circuit. But after spending several years behind bars, it’ll probably be difficult to find a lucky lady to help relieve his dreaded semen buildup now that he looks like this:
If you are on the run from authorities in the Chicago, Illinois area and need to turn that manly jawline into a soft, feminine profile, please contact Dr. John Kotis at The Center for Cosmetic & Reconstructive Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Just be sure to tell Dr. Kotis you don’t want your before and after photos posted on his website or sent to the FBI. Posted in Mexican fugitives, Plastic Surgery | No Comments » Move over Oscars, Here Come the Aesthetic AwardsWednesday, June 8th, 2011 I suppose now I have another bloated, narcissistic, overly self-important awards show to avoid like the plague. As if the world of plastic surgery wasn’t already tacky enough, they have found a way to up the ante even further. Not to be outdone by the music and film industries, plastic surgeons decided to stage an award show of their own last weekend. And just like that, The Aesthetic Awards were born. The awards ceremony was held in one of the only two cities sufficiently devoid of soul to accommodate this fiasco – Las Vegas (Los Angeles would have also fit the bill perfectly). Under the neon glow of the Vegas strip, hordes of plastic surgeons gathered for an evening of self-aggrandizing and revelry. Hopefully they left their scalpels at home. Otherwise, they might give new meaning to a walk down the “red” carpet. Of course, it should come as no surprise that this horrific event was sponsored by Allergan, the plastic surgery pimps who have brought us products such as BOTOX, Juvederm, Natrelle breast implants, and Viagra (gotta throw a bone to the dirty old men who want to get it on with these artificial looking babes). And the Winner Is… Plastic surgeons from across the country gathered to find out if they would be named a winner in one of the following categories:
And then there was the most coveted prize, the Best Picture equivalent of the Aesthetic Awards:
That’s right. Turn an ugly duckling into a swan, dig deep and pull out all your magic tricks, create a Frankenstunner, and you might actually be given the grand prize “Best Overall Patient Enhancement.” But better make sure that patient started out real hideous. Otherwise you don’t stand a chance. I’m somewhat surprised at the one major omission on this awards list. Where is the “Best Boob Job” award? I mean, let’s be honest. Breast augmentation is the bread and butter of most plastic surgery practices. A boob job is a dime a dozen in this country. Why not acknowledge the surgeon who performs them better than the rest? It would be a huge boon to his business if he could advertise “Award Winning Boob Jobs.” If one of our surgeons could boast that accomplishment, I’d beat it to death on his website. You’d see it everywhere till it made you nauseous. I suppose congratulations are in order for Dr. Peter Newen. He came home the big winner, grabbing the Best Overall Patient Enhancement award along with the Best Overall Facial Make-Over award. Of course, he’s from Orange County, California, where plastic grows on palm trees. I’m sure he would tell you his patients are the big winners.
That’s an Award? Judging by that award in Dr. Newen’s hands, it seems like they need to go back to the drawing board before next year’s award ceremony. Consider the trophies for winners of other awards ceremonies:
But what the hell is that award Dr. Newen is holding? Pretty paltry if you ask me. Not nearly narcissistic and gaudy enough for the profession it is honoring. I think next year, the Aesthetic Awards should give out a golden boob. That seems much more appropriate, don’t you think?
After his big night at the Aesthetic Awards, Dr. Newen will most likely be booked through the end of the decade. If you are looking for a plastic surgeon in the Orange County, California area, contact Dr. Douglas Hendricks at the Pacifica Cosmetic Surgery Center instead. Dr. Hendricks is quite good too, even if he didn’t win any awards. Posted in Botox, Breast Augmentation, Plastic Surgery | No Comments » Get Cougarized: “Revenge Surgery” on the RiseThursday, June 2nd, 2011 Have you just gone through a nasty divorce? Feeling a bit scorned by an ex-spouse who doesn’t find you attractive anymore? Well, then you just might be a candidate for “revenge surgery,” a growing trend in society today where people are rushing to get plastic surgery after a divorce. After all, nothing says f–k you to an ex-spouse like a hot new body, bigger boobs, or a younger looking face. I’m being serious here. Revenge surgery is a real phenomenon, and it is on the rise throughout the country. A recent study found that approximately 26% of people undergoing plastic surgery were recently divorced. In other words, one in four people who go under the knife to make themselves look better are just coming out of a failed marriage. That’s a pretty large percentage. I suppose the real question is what is the real motivation for revenge surgery? Is it to get back at your ex and make him or her feel jealous that you look better now than when they had you? If so, that‘s pretty petty and speaks to the ugly side of humanity. But what if the reason for revenge surgery wasn’t revenge at all? What if it were to get a little help boosting your chances once you get back in the dating game? Chances are, if you just got divorced, it’s been years since you’ve gone on a date. You may even have let yourself go a little bit during your marriage. After all, you know you’re getting some at the end of the day. No need to look your best, right? (Note: this is not my opinion, but merely speculation for the sake of a better argument.) If this is the case, then maybe you need a little bit of help landing your next husband or wife. Obviously, there are some marriages that were just doomed from the start and only lasted a few years, if that long. In these cases, you might still be in your prime years and probably don’t need any cosmetic enhancements to rope in a new stud. If that’s the case for you, then go out there and get ‘em cowgirl. But many recent divorcees are anywhere from their mid 30s to their late 40s, possibly even their early 50s. There may have even been a few kids in the marriage, which can take its toll on your body, put bags under your eyes, and leave you chock full of gray hairs. Most likely, you may not be on the top of the list of dateable middle age singles. In this case, you may want to kick off cougardom in style with a few nips and tucks. I can see it. I’d laugh at you and call you vain, but I can see it.
According to one plastic surgeon from Houston, the most common revenge surgery procedures for women are: For men, the procedures are slightly different:
It appears women are looking to get back that bumping body while men are simply trying not to look too old. I think more research is needed before we can truly name this phenomenon “revenge surgery.” The writer in me prefers a slightly more colorful moniker – I think we should say that these people are getting “cougarized.” If you are looking to stick it to (but not in) your ex right after the dust settles on your divorce, please contact Dallas, Texas plastic surgeon Dr. Vasdev Rai today to schedule your revenge surgery consultation. Time to get cougarized! Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments » |
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