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Archive for May, 2011Brazilian Butt Lift Hot SpotsThursday, May 26th, 2011 The Brazilian Butt Lift – padding the booties of women across the world. Millions served (perhaps just thousands, I don’t have data to back this figure up). Making J Lo’s butt less and less unique by the day. Prompting more and more guys out there to want to “slap ‘dat ass!” I’m sure you get the picture. You want a big butt, get a Brazilian Butt Lift. And voila, Sir Mix-a-Lot will be knocking at your door.
If you haven’t heard of it, I’m not all that surprised. After all, not everyone is looking for a little extra junk in their trunk. But for those of you who would like to be a little more bootyliscious, you essentially have two options.
Option #1 – Buttock implants, which involve having a silicone implant permanently shoved into your butt cheek for added volume. Not only is this disgusting, but it is very dangerous. When performed improperly, the procedure can result in a serious infection or a hard, lumpy butt. Don’t do this people. I beg you. Option #2 is equally gross, but not quite as bad for your health. It is called the Brazilian Butt Lift, and it involves having liposuction to remove a bunch of fat from another part of your body and then shooting that fat into your butt. I’m not advocating getting this procedure either, but it is certainly the lesser of 2 evils. At least your butt won’t be hard and lumpy, and your boyfriend won’t recoil in disgust when he sees the implant shift after giving you a little love tap. Got Badonkadonk?Recently, RealSelf.com released a survey that shows us clearly which parts of the country are enamored with big butts. I should note that this survey doesn’t tell us how many people actually go through with the procedure, it just tells us how many people are searching for information about it on the Internet. The results are quite interesting. It appears that the east coast, particularly Florida and Georgia, have the booty on the brain. The top five cities to regularly search for Brazilian Butt Lift information are:
I suppose this makes sense since most of these cities experience more bikini-wearing weather than colder parts of the country. And let’s be honest, the people in Miami are really tacky. But I am deeply saddened to see my childhood home (New York) rank #2 in butt lift searches. Really New York? This just doesn’t make much sense. If you were to tell me New York was top 5 in nose job searches, I’d get it. Many of my fellow tribeswomen received nose jobs for their Sweet 16, and I’m sure many more have sought help in taming their Jewish shnoz as an adult. But the butt lift? I would’ve thought New Yorkers had better things to fill their time with. Booty Free and Proud of ItHowever, my dismay over New York’s superficial shortcomings is more than compensated for by my pride in my current hometown’s showing on this survey. The city with the least amount of Brazilian Butt Lift searches is none other than Denver, Colorado. In all fairness, I can’t actually call Denver my hometown. My true allegiances are to Boulder and Vail, where I have actually lived. But Denver is in the vicinity, and the people there are not that much different than those in Boulder and Vail. So I’ll take it. Score one for Rocky Mountain living. Rounding out the top 5 cities engaging in the least amount of butt lift searches are:
Notice a trend? West of the Rockies, we tend to obsess over things other than big butts. Where I live, we spend so much time checking the snow report that we totally forget to look into procedures that guarantee a big ol’ booty. I’m a bit surprised that Boston cracked this list, but I guess maybe there are some redeeming qualities to the Massholes after all. If you are looking into getting a Brazilian Butt Lift in the Denver, Colorado area, I should warn you that everyone will laugh at you. We are clearly not very preoccupied with such trivial matters as the badonkadonk. But if you must, then please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your free initial consultation. Posted in Brazilian Butt Lift | No Comments » Plastic Surgery and The Rapture – Will Jesus Bring Breast Implants to Heaven?Friday, May 20th, 2011 Beware, The Rapture is upon us! Start repenting at once, because by this time tomorrow you will either be:
At least, this is what a small group of wacky Christians led by Harold Camping would like you to believe. I have heard some asinine questions posed in relation to The Rapture. I think the most entertaining was, “What will happen to my pet if I’m taken to Heaven?” Even better was the response from a group of atheists who began offering post-Rapture pet insurance to believers who are sure they’re poised for the Great Ascent. There have actually been 259 people who paid $135 to have their pet cared for by an atheist. Too bad I’m a Jew by pedigree. I could’ve gotten in on some easy cash if I were an official card carrying atheist. But I’m interested in a slightly different question. One that I have yet to hear anyone utter, most likely for fear of the sheer blasphemy it implies. My question is: What happens to women with breast implants? Will Jesus bring them to Heaven during The Rapture, or do they violate some ancient biblical laws regarding plastic surgery? I only ask because I’m wondering what the potential dating pool will look like next week. Will I be stuck courting vain, superficial women flaunting their gaudy breast implants, or will I be able to find a nice, down-to-earth girl who sees the value in staying au naturale? I’m really hoping Jesus is a fake boob man.
Bible Leaves No CluesI’ve been scouring the Internet all day to find some sort of clue that would unlock the secret to this mystery. The best I could find are a few Christian theological websites claiming that the bible does not specifically address plastic surgery. Gee, you don’t say. I would find it a bit strange if there were any passages on plastic surgery in the bible. This field of elective medicine didn’t exist in the days when Jesus first roamed the earth.
But then again, if God is all-knowing, I suppose He could have foreseen the coming of the boob job. However, giving this little secret away nearly 2000 years ago (5000 if you are talking Old Testament) would probably have rattled His faithful followers in ancient times. “A sack full of silicone that makes your breasts bigger. It’s a miracle! What is silicone anyway?” (editor’s note: read this quote with thick, Jackie Mason-like Jewish accent)
End of the World PartyOf course, this takes me back to my original question. When Jesus makes his grand return to earth tomorrow to suck all of those who truly believe into Heaven, will he look favorably on those who turned to breast augmentation? After all, they have done everything possible to look their best for the Big Man on Judgment Day. They deserve to be rewarded for their efforts.
If we’re lucky, Jesus likes the porn. That way, he’ll want to surround himself with the many big breasted babes scattered throughout the pages of his favorite smut magazines. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Harold Camping got Raptured up to Heaven only to find out that it was essentially a giant orgy designed to provide Jesus with an eternity of silicone-breasted pleasure? Talk about a massive dose of karma for the 89-year-old cult leader. I’m pretty confident that if I wasn’t already punching a ticket to Hell, this blog post will seal the deal. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure the Hell-on-earth party will be much more fun than the one thrown by Harold Camping and the rest of his Rapture followers. And if I’m lucky, our party will be free of unsightly breast implants. No need to spend the next five months surrounded by the Silicone Nation.
If you live in New York City and want a last minute breast augmentation to make yourself more enticing to Jesus before The Rapture, please contact Dr. George Lefkovits today to schedule your free initial consultation. If you can’t get an appointment before The Rapture, don’t worry. Dr. Lefkovits is Jewish. He’ll be left behind for sure. Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Plastic Surgery, The Rapture | No Comments » Killer Performs Plastic Surgery on Himself to Avoid CaptureWednesday, May 11th, 2011 I suppose desperate times bring desperate measures. This was certainly the case for Tatsuya Ichihashi, a Japanese man wanted for the murder of his English teacher, Lindsay Ann Hawker. During his 2 ½ years on the run from authorities, Ichihashi made numerous attempts to alter his appearance to avoid being captured. Ichihashi reveals the gruesome details of his self-inflicted plastic surgery as well as the extended story of his 2 ½ years on the lam in his new book, which was written from prison. Apparently, his efforts weren’t enough to help him evade the authorities. I guess it’s unlikely that he’ll go onto a promising career in plastic surgery. I’m also not so sure it was a good idea to release a book discussing the fact that he killed a woman before going to trial for these allegations. Maybe it would have been better to take the OJ Simpson approach – “Had I killed my English teacher and performed plastic surgery on myself, this is how I would have done it.” At least that way his admission of guilt would only be “hypothetical.”
The Great EscapeAccording to Ichihashi’s tell-all book, he evaded police officers who came to his apartment to question him about Hawker’s death. He shouldn’t have been surprised to see the police at his door, since her dead body was found in a bathtub on his balcony. But for some reason, he was still in the area when police arrived to ask him about the blood-soaked household fixture containing a corpse on his balcony. In order to change his appearance, Ichihashi gave himself a back-alley nose job consisting of binding his nose with a thread and needle in order to make it look narrower. After wandering the streets of Tokyo for awhile, he decided to cut off part of his lower lip to make it look thinner. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the mettle to go through with it on the first try. The pain was just too intense. Several days later, he gave it a second shot in a public bathroom. This time, he got the job done. In order to hide the scars while his lip healed, he walked around town with a surgical mask. Ichihashi’s journey then took him south, where he went on a pilgrimage to the sacred temples located on the island of Shikoku. He spent his time at the temples wishing Hawker would come back to life. Apparently, he got the idea of trying to think happy resurrection thoughts from a novel where this behavior actually accomplished its goal. Maybe he should have read Pet Cemetery instead. At least this way, his attempts to undo his dastardly deed would have provided Hawker with a proper burial. Hot PursuitEventually, police offered a 10 million yen ($121,000) reward for any information leading to Ichihashi’s capture, and “Wanted” posters containing his picture were plastered all over Japan. One day, Ichihashi saw one of these posters and decided to slice two moles off of his cheek since they were clearly visible on the posters. By this time, his paranoia was growing, and he began to believe his amateur plastic surgery efforts were not enough. He finally sought the help of a trained professional, undergoing two nose jobs at a plastic surgery clinic. The first procedure made his nose longer and narrower, while the second one raised the bridge of his nose. CapturedIronically, it was this trip to the plastic surgeon’s office which ultimately did him in. Staff at the clinic noticed traces of the removed moles on his cheek and found it strange. They took photos of these moles, which were eventually sent to the police. News of Ichihashi’s plastic surgery was broadcast all over Japanese TV and newspapers. Terrified, he sought additional disguise enhancements. This time, he got a haircut and bought a fake mustache, beard, and sideburns from a novelty store. I guess it never occurred to him that such a silly costume would only make him stand out even more. But of course, that was the unintended result. Ichihashi was arrested shortly thereafter at a ferry terminal in Osaka, ending his 2 ½ years on the run. Rumor has it he looked like a Japanese Groucho Marx with his absurd novelty disguise.
What surprises me most is why he never left the country. He had enough savvy to evade capture for 2 ½ years. Why stay put in the Tokyo area where everyone was looking for him? Why not flee to China or Korea and get extensive plastic surgery there? It just doesn’t make sense. You put all that effort into escaping the law only to get busted by your plastic surgeon. But then again, I’m pretty surprised he lasted as long as he did. It’s not like his self-performed plastic surgery would have fooled anyone. He pretty much looks the same in the before and after photos.
If you are looking to evade the authorities in the Tampa, Florida area, please contact Gayoso Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Gayoso works wonders with a scalpel. No one will even recognize you when he’s done. Posted in Plastic Surgery, rhinoplasty | No Comments » XXX-Rated BoobsWednesday, May 4th, 2011 Warning – this XXX-rated blog post is not suitable for children under the age of 18. Please get a parent’s permission before continuing to read. I feel the urge to point out an egregious oversight by the Guinness Book of World Records. They have unfairly denied a 35-year-old Minneapolis porn star/stripper her rightful pedestal on the Freakshow Hall of Fame. If she doesn’t epitomize what it takes to be a world record holder, then I don’t know who does. The dedication, the tenacity, the weight… I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to walk around with a pair of size 164 XXX boobs, and you probably can’t either – that is, unless your name is Chelsea Charms. Yet despite the burden she carries (this albatross weighs about as much as 2 whole watermelons), the Guinness Book of World Records has still not opened its books to poor Chelsea. Right now, her XXX-rated knockers can only be viewed in the pages of the high brow literature sold at adult book stores. While Guinness has turned its back on Chelsea, Hustler and Buxotica have embraced her with open arms. I have to admit, I can’t imagine anyone would actually get off on looking at a woman so grotesquely disfigured. I’d be willing to bet that each breast is larger than most human heads.
Illegal Breast AugmentationIf you are wondering how this happened, you will be happy to know that her condition is not a product of a traditional breast augmentation procedure. She doesn’t have gallons of silicone waiting to burst wide open through her body, but I’d be lying if I called her au naturale. Chelsea’s torpedo boobs are the product of a surgical procedure which is no longer legal in this country. The procedure involves the insertion of a polypropylene string into each breast. This string irritates the breast lining and generates a serum that actually enlarges her breasts – indefinitely. Yes, they are currently at 164 XXX and still growing in leaps and bounds. By Chelsea’s estimates, “Itsy and Bitsy” are growing about one inch every month. That’s right, she named them. And while I’m sure she was trying to be ironically cute with those names, I would just call them tasteless. They definitely invoke memories of a children’s nursery rhyme. I have a hard time reconciling those early childhood memories with someone who stuffs dollar bills down her bra to pay the rent.
Luckily for Chelsea, Itsy and Bitsy will most likely stop growing at some point. At least, that is what happened for all the other women who have undergone this procedure. Interestingly, the current world record holder for the largest breasts, Maxi Mounds, also had polypropylene string implants inserted into her breasts. However, she maxed out at 42 M. Clearly, she doesn’t hold a candle to Chelsea on the freak scale.
Despite providing her with a lucrative career in smut, Itsy and Bitsy have also created several problems for Chelsea:
Superhero PornPersonally, I think Chelsea should accept the fact that her 164 XXXs have outgrown stripper poles and Hustler centerfolds. It’s time for her to graduate to the big time – adult movies. She’s missing out on a golden opportunity. I’m talking about a HUGE paycheck. This could possibly become the greatest grossing porn film of all time. It would cash in on all the people who are drawn to big-breasted side show freaks as well as the hordes of horny comic book nerds just chomping at the bit to drool over a sexually-charged female heroine. The movie would be called XXX-Men. The plot would be simple. A bald pimp in a wheel chair would lead a group of mutant big-breasted women in a fight of good vs. evil. Since it’s a porn movie, our superheroes will have to be naked (sorry to disappoint all you comic book nerds looking to see Chelsea busting out of spandex tights). Chelsea could be the porn version of Wolverine. Every time she is challenged, the polypropylene string will cause her breasts to grow bigger, and she will use them to defeat the bad guys in bed. She needs a good superhero porn name. How about… Luscious Bombs
Luscious was born on a remote island filled with magical milky stalactites that supply her with mutant breasts. When Professor XXX arrived at the island looking to recruit new Super Whores, he stumbled upon Luscious giving a local tribal leader one of her patented Boobie Beatdowns. He used his superior mind powers to lure her onto the back of his motorized wheel chair, and she has been the leader of his mutant crew ever since. Of course, we don’t want the current world record holder to feel left out. Maxi Mounds can be part of the mutant breast superhero crew too (code name: Maneater Mounds). But she’ll just be a sidekick, since XXX is bigger than M. And if Sheyla Hershey ever comes out of her coma and decides to put those KKK breast implants back in her body, she can join the team too. I’d say a fitting name for her would be Slumber Tits. Maybe I’ve missed my calling. I think I might have a future in superhero porn. I wonder how many XXX-Men sequels I could milk out of Itsy and Bitsy before Chelsea gets tired of assuming her mutant alter ego, Luscious Bombs. If you live in the Houston, Texas area would like to start working on a set of hooters fit for casting in the first XXX-Men, please contact board certified plastic surgeon Dr. Leo Lapuerta today to schedule your free initial consultation. Do you have what it takes to join the mutant breast crew alongside Professor XXX, Luscious Bombs, and Maneater Mounds? Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants | No Comments » |
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