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Archive for February, 2011

Australian Pig Gets Brow Lift

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Boris is not your ordinary pig. He leads a rather charmed life in his home town of Rosewater, Australia. In fact, he has become the town celebrity and regularly receives cheers as he trots around the community sports hall. His celebrity status is most likely fueled by his grandiose 550 pound frame. That’s right, this porker weighs almost as much as two NFL offensive linemen. We’re talking about several years’ worth of bacon if his owners ever wanted to go that route.

But despite his larger-than-life status amongst the local townsfolk, Boris does have one major problem that has been interfering with his life. Boris is so fat that his skin droops over his eyes, preventing him from seeing properly.

Of course, we can’t have a 550 pound pig running around the Aussie countryside with fatty skin dropping over his eyes. He could wander the wrong way and get eaten by a hungry coyote. Something must be done to help this poor porker before it’s too late. At least, that seems to be the thought process exhibited by Graeme Cane, Boris’ owner. In a grand humanitarian gesture, Cane has decided to give Boris a brow lift so that he can see properly (editor’s note: I’m sure humanitarian is the wrong word here, but I can’t figure out what the animal equivalent would be).

The procedure will be performed by the local vet. I guess the local plastic surgeon didn’t want to taint his reputation by cutting into some swine. Boris will be transported to the vet’s office on a horse float. You would think that if the town of Rosewater has the technology to perform a brow lift on a pig, it would also have a flatbed truck lying around somewhere to get the pig to the procedure. This horse float seems like something out of the Middle Ages.

I sure hope all goes well on the cutting board. Otherwise, poor Boris might become the world’s largest pork chop. I call dibs on the ribs. Mmmm…pork ribs. Yummy. And you know that ribs a la Boris will be dripping with the succulent flavor that comes with being a 550 pound fatty.

Ironically, Boris was considered the runt of his litter, and the breeders never expected him to exceed 132 pounds. I guess he proved everyone wrong.

Mr. Cane has made Boris a full-fledged member of the family. He sleeps in a bed in the corner of the Canes’ master bedroom, eats pancakes for breakfast (could that be why he’s so fat?), and believe it or not, is fully toilet trained. I’m having flashes of a porcine Mr. Jinx.

Personally, I think the Canes are crazy to spend their money on plastic surgery for their pet pig. But then again, I think it’s crazy to have a pet pig. They should take this vision issue as a sign and gut the porker. They’ll end up with more bacon than the pan can handle. And maybe even some scrapple too.

If you are looking for a New York City plastic surgeon to do your brow lift, please contact Dr. Scott E. Newman at Advanced Plastic Surgery today. No self-respecting New Yorker would have a pet pig, so you know Dr. Newman only does humans.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Mexican Drug Trafficker Allegedly Gets BOTOX in Jail

Thursday, February 17th, 2011

Sandra Avila Beltran, better known as the Queen of the Pacific, is possibly the highest profile alleged female drug trafficker in Mexico. She has enjoyed somewhat of a celebrity status, even while behind bars. Recently, a famous Mexican investigative journalist wrote a book about her escapades based on a series of prison interviews conducted with the trafficking queen. The book is filled with sordid tales of romantic relationships with some very high profile drug kingpins.

Such celebrity status for a criminal evokes memories of one of my favorite movies, Natural Born Killers. I can imagine these prison interviews being similar to those conducted by Robert Downey Jr. when he went to visit Woody Harrelson in jail for his American Maniacs show. Except the interviews with Beltran probably didn’t incite a massive prison riot where everyone, including the warden, gets killed in the bloodbath.

It seems that Beltran’s celebrity status has also earned her more than her share of privileges during her prison stay (she has been incarcerated since 2007 on drug trafficking and money laundering charges). Some of these privileges seem rather minor, such as permission to wear non-regulation clothing (most notably sunglasses and high heels). But it seems that recently, these privileges went too far, causing some prison heads to roll.

The warden and medical chief were recently fired due to allegations that they permitted Beltran to undergo BOTOX treatments in her jail cell. According to sources from within the prison, these treatments were administered by a plastic surgeon over a period of several hours, and there was more to come. Allegedly, Betran had a jail cell liposuction procedure scheduled for the not-too-distant future.

Incidentally, it appears that Beltran should be able to receive these treatments in a more professional setting. She was acquitted of cocaine trafficking charges in December; however, she is still being held in prison pending an appeal from the prosecution. I guess things work a bit differently in Mexico.

If she is eventually released, she still may face extradition to the United States over charges associated with the seizure of nine tons of cocaine from a fishing boat off the coast of Mexico in 2001. So it may be awhile before she gets that liposuction procedure she desperately covets.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Why would she need BOTOX in jail? I can see the liposuction, since the removal of fat cells is permanent. She can enjoy showing off her newly sculpted body once she eventually gets out of jail. But BOTOX only lasts a couple of months. By the time she gets released, she will look all old and wrinkly once again. So what’s the point? Who is she trying to impress inside prison walls? Since she is widely considered to be the largest female drug trafficker in Mexico, it seems doubtful that she will get accosted in the shower by horny, rambunctious inmates. And even if she was the type who got off on that, I doubt a little bit of BOTOX would really boost her prospects. I mean, who in their right mind would take on the drug queen of Mexico?

Regardless, it seems that the person who ultimately got a raw deal here was the warden. I guess someone had to take the fall for this nonsense. Hopefully, Ms. Beltran rewards the warden with a big suitcase of drug money when she gets released. That would only seem fair under the circumstances.

If you are interested in getting BOTOX or liposuction in the Tampa, Florida area, please contact board certified plastic surgeon Dr. Antonio Gayoso today to schedule your initial consultation. Sadly, Dr. Gayoso doesn’t do prison jobs, so if you are currently in the big house, you may just have to wait till you get out. But at least you’ll have something to look forward to.

Posted in Botox, Liposuction | No Comments »

Breast Milk Ice Cream Takes London by Storm

Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Perhaps I should have waited until after lunch to write this blog. I definitely just lost my appetite. Although, if I had written this an hour later, my lunch would probably have ended up in the porcelain receptacle at the end of the hallway. Yes, take this as my warning. You may be reading about something that you find vile and disgusting. If that is a problem for you, then just move along to one of my other recent posts. Last week, I discussed how BOTOX may help some women enjoy sex for the first time in their lives. That one is a bit more uplifting.

Back to today’s insanity…

It appears those crazy Brits are at it again. Although this time, they have definitely gone too far. The Icecreamists, an ice cream shop in London, has recently begun selling breast milk ice cream. They call their new flavor Baby Gaga, and it is flavored with vanilla and lemon zest.

I’m gagging as I write that. Vanilla-flavored frozen breast milk with a hint of lemon. I can’t think of a more vile way to top off a delicious dinner. Imagine going to a classy, fine dining restaurant. You’ve just finished eating the best filet mignon you’ve ever tasted, and the waiter comes back to your table to try and sell you on dessert. The first words out of his mouth are Baby Gaga breast milk ice cream. Pumped fresh from our hostess, who was recently nominated for Mother of the Year. All natural, no hormones added (remember, she’s not on birth control anymore). Do you think our waiter can expect a good tip after that attempted up-sell?

But for some reason, this ice cream has been a huge hit in the London ice cream shop that actually had the balls to release it. Their first batch of this abomination sold out in a matter of days, and they were selling a serving (not a pint or a gallon, just a serving) for 14 pounds (roughly $22.50). I can eat lunch for a week for the price of one scoop of Baby Gaga. Who in their right mind is going to spend that kind of money on a cone of frozen breast milk? That’s just insane.

There was such a huge demand for this ice cream that the shop had to place a sign on the window promising that Baby Gaga would return once they can pump their donors for some new supplies.

Apparently, The Icecreamists get their breast milk from donors found on the Internet. But of course. I’m sure you can find all sorts of respectable, upstanding people looking to peddle their excess breast milk on the Internet. “We have enough breast milk to keep Junior satisfied through summertime. Why don’t you just take my leftovers and make some vanilla/lemon zest ice cream? Don’t forget to give me a free sample of my goods when it’s ready for sale.”

Store founder Matt O’Connor assures his customers that all breast milk has been screened according to hospital/blood donor requirements. OK. Now I can relax. We all know that hospitals never make mistakes screening blood. We’ve never heard horror stories about people contracting fatal diseases from a transfusion containing tainted blood. I’m sure glad that breast milk was screened using similar standards.

According to O’Connor, “It’s pure, it’s natural, it’s organic, and it’s free range – and if it’s good enough for our kids, it’s good enough to use in our ice cream.” Jeez, great logic. “Breast milk ice cream. Getting spit up and drooled out by babies across England. Give it a try, and see what’s making them burp.”

I think they should take a slightly different approach for their next batch. Mr. O’Connor should scour the Internet for a specific type of donor – women who have undergone breast augmentation. They can do two different flavors:

  • Salt Water Taffy for breast milk taken from women with saline breast implants
  • Silicone Valley for breast milk taken from women with silicone breast implants

I’m sure those flavors will be equally delicious as their Baby Gaga predecessor. If the salty flavor or silicone aftertaste becomes a bit too much, they can just add a bit of lemon zest for that citrus freshness you always want in your breast milk ice cream. Just ask the many fans of Baby Gaga.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Washington DC or Northern Virginia area, please contact board certified plastic surgeon Dr. Eric Desman today to schedule your initial consultation. But just so you know, breast milk ice cream is not approved by the FDA, so don’t try to steal my Silicone Valley idea and peddle it to your local ice cream shop. It’s just not going to happen in this country.

Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Saline Implants, Silicone Breast Implants | No Comments »

BOTOX as a Tool for Sex

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

For some women, the magical cure-all treatment known as BOTOX has just added another trick to its seemingly bottomless bag. Recently, researchers have been evaluating ways to use BOTOX to alleviate painful conditions affecting a woman’s vagina which make having sex unbearable.

These conditions, primarily consisting of muscle contractions and burning sensations, affect approximately 6% of women across the world. It is a reflex reaction that occurs during sexual penetration, causing vaginal muscles to spasm and making sex extremely painful. According to researchers, these issues are most often caused by fear stemming from a rough childhood or sexual abuse. For most women afflicted by these spasms, it is uncontrollable and involuntary.

Unfortunately, I was not able to find any explanation as to why BOTOX is so helpful in alleviating this condition. However, I would imagine that the anti-wrinkle wonder drug, which also has been used to treat migraines, armpit sweating, and a host of other afflictions, is acting similarly on the vagina as it does on your facial wrinkles.

When you shoot your face full of BOTOX to turn back the clock on aging, you are essentially paralyzing your facial muscles so that they cannot make the contractions that result in wrinkles. I would imagine that in a similar manner, BOTOX is able to paralyze the vaginal muscles so that they will no longer contract when a woman is about to have sex. In this way, she can avoid the painful spasms which have prevented her from enjoying intercourse throughout her life.

It would be interesting to find out if this is a temporary fix or a long term solution to the problem. In other words, will these women need to continue getting BOTOX injections for the rest of their lives in order to avoid these painful spasms which make sex unbearable, or will these involuntary contractions eventually stop occurring once these women are able to experience the joys of an orgasm a few times?

Regardless, it seems like for once, BOTOX is actually being used for a cause that is not silly and frivolous. It’s about time.

If you need to schedule a BOTOX appointment, whether it is to free your face of wrinkles or to liberate your vagina of painful spasms during sex, please contact experienced Phoenix, Arizona plastic surgeon Dr. Paul Angelchik today to schedule your free initial consultation.

Posted in Botox | No Comments »

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