Archive for November, 2010
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010
Some stories are so good you need to tell them twice.
In Part 1, I explained all the wacky details regarding the story of Kristina B. Ross, a transsexual from Boise, Idaho who went around to local bars posing as Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna, a fake female plastic surgeon. She would perform “breast exams” on unsuspecting women at the bar under the guise that this was a preliminary evaluation for a future breast augmentation procedure. But in actuality, she really just wanted to feel up other women’s boobs.
In Part 2, you will get all of my brilliant, incisive commentary on this rather unusual situation. For the record, Kristina Ross is currently sitting in a jail cell (in a female prison) awaiting a trial for two felony counts of practicing medicine without a license. I find it hard to believe you can be charged with practicing medicine without a license if all you did was feel up a couple of drunk women at the bar. Last time I checked, that goes on in college towns across the country on a nightly basis.
My commentary for this story will be broken down into 3 categories:
- Fletch
- Cheers
- Boobs-Only Lesbians
Fletch
Did you really think I’d let a story like this pass without drawing some parallels to Fletch? In that movie, Chevy Chase was the master of creating false identities to get what he wanted. His names and back stories were often as creative (and thorough) as Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna’s.
Of course, the one that pops into my mind right away is John Cocktosten. That name is about as awkward as Berlyn Aussieahshowna, although in fairness to Fletch, he came up with that alias on the spot. I think it is safe to say Ms. Ross spent hours brainstorming the sonic blunder that is Aussieahshowna. In the world of Hollywood, Fletch was able to sell John Cocktosten hook, line, and sinker. Describing the name as Scotch-Romanian was an effective touch. But how drunk women in Idaho bars made the same mistake with a name like Aussieahshowna is beyond me. I wonder if she told them the name was Australian-Iraqi. Maybe that would have made it a bit more plausible.
I would think that a simpler name would have been more effective, especially since she went the extra mile and gave out the phone number of a real plastic surgery practice. This, of course, was most likely her undoing. Fletch would have never used the number of an actual plastic surgeon. His success was based on complete fabrications, not partial fabrications. If these women had called a wrong number, the police would probably never have gotten involved. But after getting sick of repeatedly receiving calls for the phony Dr. Aussieahshowna, the real plastic surgeon whose phone number was poached blew the whistle on what could have been a brilliant operation.
In hindsight, maybe she should have used one of Fletch’s aliases from when he was posing as a surgeon at the hospital. Dr. RosenRosen would have been a bit too obvious of a reference, but Dr. Rosenpenis would have been quite appropriate considering the truth about Dr. Aussieahsnowna’s original gender. Sadly, she is not quite as clever as me, nor as clever as Fletch for that matter.
Cheers
If you peruse back through Part 1 of this blog, you will see that I made several attempts to foreshadow the Cheers commentary that is about to unfold. Come on, this story begs for the comparison.
How would Dr. Aussieahshowna have fared as a character on Cheers? Here is how I see it:
- She would have had the undying admiration of Sam Malone, who would constantly be looking for ways to outdo her tactics for copping free feels at the bar. But I guess Sam Malone was the original Casanova. He didn’t really need to pretend to be a female plastic surgeon to get the ladies to undress in his bar.
- Woody would be standing behind the bar in amazement at Dr. Aussieahshowna’s stellar medical knowledge and the thoroughness with which she administered her exams. He would probably even go as far as to explain to the drunk ladies in the bar that they were in the presence of a great female plastic surgeon. Nobody ever accused Woody of being bright.
- Carla would not be able to contain herself as this ruse went down. Always the master of bluntness, she would have no choice but to tell these women how stupid they really were. Or would she? Perhaps she would just sit back, laugh, and enjoy the show while making snide comments behind these women’s backs. Tough to say with this one.
- Norm. I think he would just sit at the corner of the bar ignoring Cliff Claven’s incessant ramblings in order to watch the scene unfolding in front of his eyes. Never one to pay for his own beer, I could see him blackmailing Dr. Aussieahshowna into covering his bar tab in return for keeping his mouth shut.
- Frazier would obviously make some rather pompous psychological observations regarding Dr. Aussieahshowna’s gender identity issues, but deep down inside, he would really be wondering who had a bigger cock and balls – Dr. Aussieahshowna or his wife, Lilith.
Boobs-Only Lesbians
Our resident breast augmentation expert at Page 1, Dr. Candelaria, recently introduced me to the website boobsonlylesbians.com (note: do not open this link at work). Before viewing this website, I never knew that there was a sizeable percentage of women out there who considered themselves lesbians, yet had no interest in touching another vagina. They call themselves “boobs-only lesbians.”
It seems rather obvious that Dr. Aussieahshowna would align herself with these people, right? After all, she is clearly enamored with women’s breasts. Her obsession with them has compelled her to impersonate a female plastic surgeon at the local bar in order to have easy access to the equipment.
But is she really a boobs-only lesbian? I mean, at some point not that long ago, she was a man. Perhaps a man trapped in a woman’s body, but a man nonetheless. So I suppose this begs the question: Is she a boobs-only lesbian trapped in a man’s body or did she undergo a sex change so that she wouldn’t be considered a sex offender when she groped unsuspecting drunk women at the bar? I guess there is only one person who can really answer that question, and she is rotting in an Idaho jail cell – all by herself with no more breasts to fondle but her own surgically enhanced set. Does anyone else see the irony in this situation?
If you are looking for a genuine female plastic surgeon in Idaho, please contact Seasons Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery to schedule your initial consultation with Dr. Michelle Spring. You’ll have to come to her office because Dr. Spring doesn’t perform breast exams while drinking at the local bar.
Posted in Breast Augmentation | 3 Comments »
Thursday, November 18th, 2010
Need I say any more? You all should be hooked by the title. Who wouldn’t want to read about a person in the midst of a gender identity crisis who gropes unsuspecting women at bars under the guise of delivering free medical advice? This one has Jerry Springer written all over it. I would say the title of this epic Springer episode would have to be “Duped by a Phony Female Plastic Surgeon with a Penis.” I can see all the women who were violated at the bar running out in the middle of the episode, hitting our villain over the head with a metal folding chair to the crowd’s deafening chants of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…”
Of course, what better setting could we have for this kind of sordid story than a bar? A place where everybody knows your name…
Earlier this month, police in Boise, Idaho arrested a man who was making the rounds at the local watering holes, impersonating a female plastic surgeon and performing phony medical exams at the bar. At least two women claim that this transsexual groped their breasts under the guise of providing free medical advice regarding a potential breast augmentation procedure.
Boise police were contacted by employees at a local medical office after they received several calls from women looking to confirm their appointments with Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna (best guess at pronunciation – Aw zee ah sho nuh). We’re not talking about appointments for initial consultations here. These women were convinced that they were on the books for a scheduled surgery. Of course, there was no plastic surgeon by the name of Dr. Aussieahshowna working at this office, nor was there a doctor of this name licensed to practice medicine anywhere in the state of Idaho.
When interviewed by the police, these women explained that they had met Dr. Oshkoshb’gosh at a local bar (each woman met her at a different establishment downtown). They had seen Dr. Ozzieandharriet at the bar on numerous occasions, and they had been impressed by her vocabulary and medical knowledge. This was all it took for these poor, unsuspecting women to be convinced that Dr. WhosthamastahSho’Nuff! was in fact a genuine plastic surgeon (and a female one, no less).
I guess in Idaho, if you can talk the talk, you must be able to walk the walk. Somehow I doubt Dr. Ahseeahshownum would be able to pull off this ruse in a more sophisticated place like New York City. Perhaps at a quaint little bar in Boston? We’ll get to that in a little bit.
Anyway, after Dr. Ahshiti’mrunningoutofwittynames gained these women’s trust, she convinced them that what they really needed after their third or fourth cocktail of the evening was to undergo an impromptu breast exam to determine whether they are good candidates for breast augmentation. One woman actually disrobed for Dr. AussieshowmanAngusYoung while sitting at the bar (I’m sure the crowd went wild that night). Another woman was fondled over her clothes.
After these rather provocative bar-side breast exams, Dr. Ahshouldvetakenthebluepill provided these women with the phone number of a real plastic surgery practice in downtown Boise and scheduled an appointment for surgery.
Local Boise law enforcement launched an exhaustive investigation into the true identity of the fictitious Dr. Achtungbaby. It turns out her real name is Kristina B. Ross (it seems her original male name is not available, so her transsexual name will have to suffice). Ross has been charged with two felony counts of practicing medicine without a license. I don’t know that I would say groping a drunk woman’s boobs counts as practicing medicine, but maybe the standards are a bit more lax up in Idaho.
According to prosecutors, “the most concerning facts here are that (Ross) is not a doctor and that (Ross) is a male touching women’s breasts under the guise of being a female doctor.” You don’t say. I wonder if this brilliant sound bite will make it into the district attorney’s opening statements when this case goes to trial.
Ross, who currently considers herself a woman, was booked into the Ada County Jail as a woman and is being held in protective custody alone, most likely to ensure her safety. This might be considered an improvement from her last stint in the Ada County Jail. In 2003, Ross was convicted of aggravated battery and spent five years in a male prison (her gender back then was listed as MTF – male to female). I wonder what will happen if Ross gets to mingle with the other female inmates. Will she try to fondle their breasts as well? If so, will she get clocked upside the head? I doubt there are very many female convicts who are interested in breast augmentation.
Since next week is Thanksgiving, I am going to split this blog up into two posts. Part 2 will contain my commentary on this highly bizarre incident. You won’t want to miss it.
In the meantime, there are some very good plastic surgeons in the state of Idaho who do not perform phony breast exams while three sheets to the wind at the bar. If you are looking for a female plastic surgeon in Northern Idaho, please contact Seasons Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery today to schedule a consultation with Dr. Michelle Spring. She won’t grope you at the bar.
Posted in Breast Augmentation | 1 Comment »
Thursday, November 11th, 2010
Asda, a British company, has recently launched a rather unconventional line of dresses intended to bring out the best in a woman’s booty. The line is called Wonderbum, and there are four different styles:
- The tomato
- The potato
- The pear
- The nectarine
That’s right. According to this British dress maker, women’s butts can now be classified according to fruits and vegetables. So how do you figure out what type of butt dress you should rock? Simple. Here’s the key:
- Tomato – Approximately 45% of women fit into this category. Tomato butts are plump, round, and squishy to the touch (sounds lovely, doesn’t it?). To bring out the best in a tomato booty, you need a tight structured dress that will make it seem a bit more firm. I guess nothing screams sexy like “squishy.”
- Potato – About 30% of women have potato butts, which are wide at the bottom and lumpy in parts. This booty needs a tulip-shaped dress to hide the massive square footage, not to mention the unappealing lumps.
- Pear – Only 15% of women can claim to have pear butts. These are narrow at the top and almost twice as wide at the bottom. Apparently, pear butts are the most difficult to disguise, and the best game plan is a simple misdirection – a long dress that accentuates other regions of the body, masking the fact that your badonkadonk makes you look like a weeble.
- Nectarine – Sadly, only 10% of women are nectarines. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a nectarine? It definitely sounds better than being a pear, potato, or tomato. Nectarine butts are full, round, and pert in appearance. Leave it to those crazy Brits to describe a butt as “pert.” Who talks like that? Regardless of the quirky language, women with nectarine booties are in luck. Unlike our other three categories, nectarine butts actually look good and should be shown off whenever possible. For these women, Wonderbum makes a very tight dress to accentuate every last booty-popping curve.
Of course, if you are not happy with your tomato, potato, or pear, you can just go down the street to your local plastic surgeon to get buttock augmentation. There’s nothing like a Brazilian Butt Lift to turn that lumpy potato into a pert nectarine. Then you won’t have to buy one of those silly Wonderbum dresses.
If you are interested in buttock augmentation in the New York City area, please contact experienced New York plastic surgeon Dr. George Lefkovits today to schedule your initial consultation. Nectarines are his favorite fruit.
Posted in Butt Augmentation | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010
I guess some people will try just about anything to look better, no matter how vile or disgusting it may seem. In China, they are hitting new lows – all in the name of softer, younger-looking skin.
The latest fad taking China by storm – collagen cocktails. You heard me right, collagen cocktails. I think I just vomited in my mouth.
These drinks are being sold at department stores throughout Beijing and Shanghai. They are being marketed to women who are looking for a less expensive fountain of youth than BOTOX or a facelift.
These drinks contain fish collagen, but don’t worry – according to a spokesperson, the pale yellow juice-like drink doesn’t taste fishy at all. Think of it as a partially sweet, partially sour beverage that comes in flavors such as cherry. Sorry, but I’ve never known anything cherry-flavored to be sour. That kind of freaks me out. But then again, so does chugging a glass of fish collagen every night before I go to bed for a month.
A bottle of this stuff only costs $4.58. That’s about the same price of your morning cup of coffee at Starbucks. Certainly not breaking the bank. I wonder if you could get it cheaper by buying it in bulk at a place like Costco.
Consumers are encouraged to drink one of these collagen cocktails before going to bed every night for a month. If you do this, you will have “skin as soft as a baby’s.” For those of you who think a month is way too long to delay your gratification, don’t fret. You should start seeing an improvement in skin texture after about 10 days.
I certainly hope this abomination never crosses the Pacific to flood our shores. It’s bad enough that everyone and their grandma is a walking poster child for BOTOX these days. But these collagen cocktails just take it too far.
I don’t care what artificial flavorings they put in there to mask the taste. The fact that people are willing to slam a bottle of collagen every night for a month is just downright frightening. What is our world coming to? If someone took a crap on a plate and told you that if you ate it, your skin would feel softer and look younger, would you eat it? I wouldn’t. But I’ll bet a bunch of these Chinese women would. Honestly, I really don’t see much difference. These collagen drinks may not look or smell like poo, but they are still a gross substance that we should never ingest for any reason.
Sorry, but I see no need to trade my nightly whiskey cocktail for a collagen one. Not in this lifetime.
If you live in the Phoenix, Arizona area and would rather not ingest your cosmetic enhancement, please contact experienced Phoenix plastic surgeon Dr. Paul Angelchik today to schedule your initial consultation. He’d be happy to shoot your face full of BOTOX instead.
Posted in Botox, Downright Grossness | No Comments »
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