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Archive for April, 2010

Boobquake

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

Every now and then, I come across something in the news that is so outrageous, yet so completely on target, that it just brings a smile to my face. The other day, I had the privilege of such an experience. It was called Boobquake.

For those of you who are completely oblivious to the lighter goings-on in the world today, I will provide a brief summary of this feminist science experiment which reached seismic proportions.

Last week, an Iranian cleric named Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi made a public statement saying, “Many women who do not dress modestly…lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.”

Yes, I know, the preposterousness of this statement alone is laughable. It irks me in ways I can’t describe and fuels my deep-seated hatred for all organized religion (yes, fundamentalists of all religions, not just Islam, make equally asinine statements all the time – my Hebrew brethren included).

Fortunately, this Iranian mad man’s message reached the right person to show the world how utterly silly his statement really is. Purdue University senior Jennifer McCreight decided to conduct a science experiment to test the validity of this claim, and what started out as somewhat of a joke grew into a worldwide event boasting more than 200,000 participants.

McCreight’s response to Sedighi’s comments was an event called Boobquake, which encouraged women to dress immodestly for a day to see if seismic activity increased as a result. She originally created a Facebook page for the event and invited about 30 of her friends to participate.

But we all know how social media works – you invite 30 friends, they each invite 30 friends, and the next thing you know, there are more than 200,000 people across the globe responding on Facebook that they plan to attend Boobquake. This is grass roots activism at its finest. There were even participants in Sedighi’s home country of Iran.

Men and women alike rallied around the cause. There were no official dress requirements for the event. McCreight’s blog, which discusses the event in great detail, made it clear that women should feel free to dress as immodestly as they are comfortable doing. This rather loose dress code ranged from scantily clad women showing massive amounts of cleavage to those who just showed a little more leg than normal.

Boobquake quickly became an international phenomenon, garnering media coverage on CNN, BBC, CBC, ABC, FOX, and the Colbert Report.

After a 24-hour worldwide celebration of boobs and cleavage (yes, I’m sure there were many a breast augmentation patient ecstatic to have this opportunity to show off her breast implants as well), the seismic activity around the world was measured…

…And there was a 6.5 magnitude earthquake in Taiwan during Boobquake. I kid you not. But before Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi and his followers shoot guns in the air and shake their burqas like they just don’t care, it should be noted that the Taiwan quake does not lend credibility to the notion that immodestly dressed women contribute to these natural disasters.

According to McCreight, earthquakes between 6.0 and 6.9 on the Richter scale occur approximately 134 times a year. This meant there was a 37% chance of such an earthquake happening during Boobquake, regardless of the number of scantily clad women shaking their boobs and booties all day long. With those odds, it is pretty hard to attribute the Taiwan earthquake to the wrath of God.

But just so we are clear, McCreight did record some data during Boobquake in order to scientifically prove beyond a doubt that Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi is full of crap. There were 47 earthquakes on Boobquake (April 26th), while the statistically normal range of earthquakes occurring on any given day is between 0 and 148. Boobquake fell well within this normal range.

Here is her graph showing the overall distribution of earthquake magnitudes on Boobquake compared to those experienced since February:

As you can see, the average magnitude of earthquakes around the world on Boobquake was actually slightly lower than normal. Score one for McCreight, science, and immodestly dressed women. I’ll bet the prophet Mohammed is rolling over in his grave over this one.

Of course, even the most thorough science experiment is not perfect, and Boobquake is no exception. Here is McCreight’s analysis of her methods:

“Obviously this study had its flaws. We didn’t have a large sample size, and we didn’t have a control planet where women were only wearing burkas. We didn’t have a good way to quantify how much we increased immodesty (what’s the unit of immodesty anyway? Intensity of red on blushing nuns?). Maybe women did dress immodestly, but we didn’t lead men astray enough. Maybe God really was pissed, but he couldn’t increase earthquakes for us because that would provide proof for his existence (or maybe it’s his existence that’s the problem).

Or of course, maybe God is just biding his time. If you hear a news report in the next couple weeks saying a bizarre Indiana earthquake killed a science blogger, well, then maybe we’ll have to rethink our conclusions a bit.”

I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Maybe I will try to recruit her to be a guest blogger for the Cosmetic Surgery Directory. I’d love to hear her take on some of the crazy scenarios I blog about here.

To all of the people who participated in Boobquake earlier this week, I salute you. It was a noble cause, and I’m sure you had a hell of a time. For those of you who didn’t participate, don’t fret. I have a feeling there will be a Boobquake 2 somewhere down the road. Maybe next time we can get enough women involved to rock a 7.0 earthquake in Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi’s mosque. Wouldn’t that be ironic.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in preparation for Boobquake 2, please contact experienced Philadelphia plastic surgeon Dr. David Bottger today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Bottger is proud to help women in the Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area make the world shake on a dai
ly basis.

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Ozzy Osbourne's Breast Implant Paperweights

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

Say it ain’t so Ozzy. Have you really sunk this low? Somewhere in the depths of my childhood memories, I still have this vision of the person you used to be. How did you ever stray so far from that person?

Sadly, this latest episode will only serve to further tarnish the reputation of the former godfather of metal. I can’t believe I’m even repeating this, but here goes:

This summer, Sharon Osbourne plans to have her breast implants removed, and she is giving them to Ozzy as a gift. In a few short months, her used breast implants will be paperweights on Ozzy’s desk.

I don’t know where to start on this one. How about here – Ozzy sits at a desk? Really? Does he even know how to read? The guy who bit the head off of a live bat at a show is reading the Sunday Times and paying bills at his desk. Maybe even analyzing records of his stock portfolio, which will soon be firmly secured on this desk underneath a pair of silicone implant paperweights. Not quite the mental image I expect when I think of Ozzy. I wonder if he’ll be wearing reading glasses when he organizes his bills underneath those fancy new paperweights. This is the metal icon of my youth.

I’m thinking there must be some better uses for Sharon’s discarded breast implants. Here are the first few that come to mind:

  • Ozzy can learn to juggle. It can be part of his stage act for the next OzzFest tour. He’ll juggle the implants until they pop, oozing silicone all over his geriatric hands.
  • Ozzy can revamp his pyrotechnic show. The next time he goes on stage, he should douse the implants with gasoline and light them on fire. Behind him, the band would launch into the most epic version of Goodbye to Romance ever played.
  • Ozzy can use them as weapons, hurling them at heckling fans in the front row.
  • Ozzy can use them as sofa pillows. He and Sharon can lean up against them and cuddle when they watch reruns of The Osbournes on DVD.
  • Ozzy can use them as Frisbees and throw them to his dogs.
  • Ozzy can regift them to his daughter Kelly, who may be in the market for breast augmentation to jumpstart her sputtering music career.
  • Ozzy can stick them in the freezer and use them as ice packs to keep his beer cold when he takes the family on a picnic.
  • Ozzy can sell them on ebay to a die-hard fan.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area, please contact experienced plastic surgeon Dr. David Bottger today to schedule your free initial consultation.

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"Breast Implant Bandit" Sentenced to 6 Months in Jail

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

This post is actually a follow-up to one I wrote over a year ago about a case of plastic surgery identity theft. At the time, Yvonne Pampellone was wanted by authorities in Orange County, California after she established a fake identity and charged $12,000 worth of plastic surgery (breast augmentation and liposuction) to a bogus line of credit.

In my last post, I was astounded by her audacity and applauded her cunning savvy. Since then, I’ve read countless articles about similar incidents across the world. Apparently, the digital age has made it very easy to steal someone’s identity, and the current economic meltdown has provided many desperate women with a bit more of an incentive to resort to a life of crime to fund their self-beautification. Needless to say, I’m no longer all that impressed by Pampellone’s accomplishments.

But the reason I’ve chosen to follow up on this post is that the 30-year-old “Breast Implant Bandit” has seen her life on the wild side come crashing before her eyes. After a year-long search, authorities, with the help of several irate Orange County plastic surgeons, finally captured Pampellone. They successfully brought her, along with her stolen fake boobs and svelte new figure, to justice.

The Breast Implant Bandit recently pleaded guilty to burglary, grand theft, and identity theft. An Orange County judge sentenced her to six months in jail and three years’ probation. Restitution of an undisclosed amount of money was ordered as well. Apparently, Pampellone doesn’t have deep enough pockets to cover the entire $12K.

I have to admit, I’m a bit disappointed in the outcome of this case. After a year on the run, I was certain Pampellone had absconded with her new silicone jugs and was sipping frou-frou umbrella drinks somewhere on a South American beach. I guess she wasn’t that smart.

Instead, she has to fend off all of the hardened criminals who will covet her cosmetically enhanced body over the next six months. Hopefully, hard-up women behind bars are gentler than their sex-starved male convict counterparts.

I suppose there is a moral to this story. If you are going to commit identity theft for plastic surgery, you’d better swing for the fences. Go all the way – get a facelift along with your other procedures. After all, what’s a few extra thousand dollars on someone else’s tab? That way the authorities won’t be able to recognize you while you’re on the lam. Otherwise, you’ll have to spend your life cave hopping with the bin Ladens of the world, and that wouldn’t be a very good way to show off your hot new body.

If you live in the Orange County, California area and you are interested in getting some plastic surgery, please contact the Pacifica Cosmetic Surgery Center today to schedule your free initial consultation with Dr. Hendricks. Identity thieves beware – after the Breast Implant Bandit fiasco, Dr. Hendricks always asks for two forms of ID.

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No Boob Jobs Allowed for Pirates of the Caribbean 4

Monday, April 12th, 2010

If you are hoping to score a part in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you had better be au naturale. Otherwise, the director will simply point your attention to the sign in his office reading, “Women with boob jobs need not apply.”

That’s right, there will be no breast implants for the pirate skanks in the fourth installment of this series. I suppose this will help make the film hold true to the time period. I doubt there were too many doctors performing breast augmentation in the 18th Century.

Rob Marshall, the director for Pirates of the Caribbean 4, has placed the following ad with casting agents:

“Beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft 7in-5ft 8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

A man with a vision. I like that. But he is narrowing his applicant pool considerably. How many high quality actresses fit this description? If he could land a major talent who was 5ft 6in, I wonder if he’d pass because she is one inch too short. I guess he’d rather have a crappy actress of the right proportions than a talented actress who is just a bit off of his rather rigid aesthetic standards.

If she was 26, would anyone in the audience really be able to figure it out? Then again, doesn’t this guy realize that not all women living in that time period were between the ages of 18 and 25? I’m surprised he didn’t specify his desired breast size in this ad. Perhaps he should limit the search to only C cups?

If you have large fake breasts and you have your heart set on landing a role in this blockbuster flick, do not get your hopes up. It is unlikely that you will be able to pull the rug over Rob Marshall’s eyes. He is requiring all applicants to pass a breast implant detector test. I didn’t even know such a test existed. I’m sure this technology will soon be popping up in our nation’s airports so that the TSA can weed out all the Afghani Booby Bomber terrorists. Alas, these women will also have to sit on the sidelines when Pirates 4 is being filmed. There will be no breast implant bombs going off as Johnny Depp walks the plank.

To the Pamela Andersons of the world, do not distress. When was the last time the fourth installment of a movie series was actually worth seeing?

  • X-Men 3 was so bad, they had to kill everyone off. No shot at a #4.
  • Rocky 4, while holding a nostalgic place in my heart, is undeniably utter crap. Too much Cold War rhetoric and cop-out montage scenes. But the movie did spawn a generation of gym workout soundtracks.
  • Lethal Weapon 4 – not terrible, but certainly nowhere near as good as the first couple of movies they made.
  • The fourth Star Wars installment (Episode 1) had potential, but Lucas felt compelled to overuse an annoying Jar Jar Binks, setting the tone for a disappointing sequel trilogy.
  • The last Indiana Jones movie (#4) probably should never have been made. I can’t believe Harrison Ford agreed to taint the legacy of one of his greatest characters with such a subpar movie.
  • Batman & Robbin (#4 of the original Batman movies) – Arnold Schwarzenegger as a super villain with Terminatoresque one-liners. Maybe this is why he was forced to pursue a career in politics.

Perhaps even more shocking than Rob Marshall’s decision to ban all fake breasted women from the set of his movie is Johnny Depp’s decision to sign on for yet another ride on the Black Pearl. He’s got tons of money, I doubt he really needs to make a fourth Pirates movie that, based on the track record of most fourth installments, is destined to be a clunker. Besides, I’m sure Tim Burton has about 12 projects coming down the pike which absolutely could not be made without Depp’s contributions.

If you are interested in getting breast augmentation to give your acting career a boost, please contact the Los Angeles plastic surgeons at the Bray Plastic Surgery Medical Center today. Just don’t get your hopes up for a coveted spot in Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

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Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants, Celebrities and Plastic Surgery | 1 Comment »

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