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Archive for February, 2010

Woman's Breast Implant Stops Bullet

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

That’s right. I said it. The breast implant stopped a bullet. And the best thing about this story — it’s a saline implant. A little bag of salt water stopped a speeding bullet. Move over Superman, make way for the Implant of Steel (sort of).

I would think that a silicone implant would have a much better shot at stopping a bullet. You’d think a bullet would just pop the saline implant like a water balloon. But silicone, I can see how a bullet could get stuck in that heavy, gooey gel. I wonder what else these things can stop:

A baseball?

A samurai sword?

A freight train?

A shark attack?

Mike Tyson?

Actually, according to the emergency room doctor who treated the woman, it is uncertain whether or not the bullet actually saved her life. But Scott Reitz, the ballistics expert at the LAPD, seems to think it is pretty likely:

“Common sense would dictate that any time you have something that interrupts the velocity of the projectile, it would benefit the object it was trying to strike.”

Really? A saline implant? You might be wondering how large the implant needs to be to stop a speeding bullet. In this case, it was a D-cup implant. Not too shabby.

The gunshot victim, Lydia Carranza, was shot last summer at work by a coworker’s disgruntled husband. The coworker informed her husband she wanted a divorce, and he apparently went ballistic (pun intended).

He went to the dental office where she worked to confront her. In an angry fit of rage, he shot and killed his wife, shot his brother-in-law in the stomach, and then shot Carranza twice. The first bullet hit her in the arm. She dropped to the ground and played dead, but that didn’t fool our crazy gunman. He walked right up to her, pointed the gun at her chest, and opened fire.

The CT scan clearly indicated that the bullet fragments stopped millimeters from her heart and other vital organs. If those implants slowed the impact of that bullet by even the slightest bit, they most likely saved her life. Lucky for me she didn’t get C-cups. I might not have had such a good topic to write about this week.

Carranza has recovered nicely, although it seems she has been a bit scarred by the ordeal. However, by her own admission, she has been more affected by the fact that she has one deflated breast implant than by the actual shooting. Go figure.

She is currently talking with a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills who plans on reconstructing her implant, which was blown to pieces by the bullet intended for her heart.

I guess I can add a new benefit to the list I include on all the breast augmentation pages I write: just as good as a bulletproof vest when you get shot. How’s that for a sales pitch?

If you are afraid your crazy husband might shoot you or your coworker in the chest, you might want to move to another state. However, if you are not a fan of uprooting your life just because you married a lunatic, then you have two choices — get a bulletproof vest or get breast augmentation. At least with breast implants, you will look better while you stop the bullet.

To save your life with Implants of Steel, please contact experienced New York City plastic surgeon Dr. George Lefkovits today to schedule your free initial consultation.

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Breast Implants as Marital Assets?

Friday, February 19th, 2010

This one is a bit bizarre, but then again, when is the plastic surgery world ever normal?

A couple divorcing in North Dakota is engaged in a bitter battle over the woman’s breast implants. The husband claims that his estranged wife’s implants should be considered as part of the marital assets to be split up during the divorce.

He’s not asking her to remove an implant so that he can place the little silicone pouch on his mantle as a reminder of a marriage gone awry. Fortunately, the man is not quite that insane. He is simply arguing that the medical expenses associated with her breast augmentation should be considered marital assets since the surgery was cosmetic, elective, and unnecessary. Since the procedure was paid for with marital assets, the husband would like half of that money back.

I know, I know, it doesn’t get much more absurd than this. Unfortunately, this guy’s divorce lawyer didn’t have the integrity to tell him he was crossing the line of decency. However, the judge presiding over the case had no problems calling the man out on his outrageous request. He found the claim to be “absolutely nonsense,” adding that he “can’t imagine people would actually waste time thinking that breast implants are marital assets. It just defies common sense.”

Request denied. Better luck next time.

I suppose there is a moral to our story. If you are going to use marital assets to pay for your breast augmentation, make sure your marriage is on solid ground first. Otherwise, your crazy husband may try to use your breast implants as an excuse to make your ugly divorce even uglier.

I wonder how this kind of argument would work with liposuction. Would the husband demand a pouch filled with half the removed fat as a memento? A pretty disgusting thought. Sorry to put it in your mind.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area, please contact the Pittsburgh plastic surgery office of Dr. James Barber today to schedule your initial consultation.

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Implants of Mass Destruction

Friday, February 12th, 2010

Every so often, I hear something that is so insane, it makes me long for a simpler time. A time like the Cold War. When our enemies were a bunch of crazy Russians who shot steroids and lived in the frozen tundra (think Ivan Drago from Rocky IV — “I must break you.”). Back then, all we had to worry about was a massive nuclear warhead launching half-way across the globe to cover us in a radiation cloud, ending civilization as we know it. A quick and painless death. Our skin would just melt off our faces in a matter of seconds. Now that is a way to go.

Terrorists? They were a joke back in the days of the Cold War. Their ineptitude was chronicled in such horrific propaganda flicks as The Delta Force, where Chuck Norris would single-handedly bring down entire terrorist organizations in less than 90 minutes. Ah, those were the days.

Today, the Russians are not evil, and any potential steroid use by their athletes is completely overshadowed by the widespread juicing in Major League Baseball. While a massive nuclear warhead could still put a hole the size of the Grand Canyon where we currently reside, none of us really worries about that as a real threat. After all, the last time we tried to hunt down these alleged weapons, we came up empty handed. Nuclear weapons — ha! That was so 1985.

This is 2010. Terrorists have become smart — much smarter than our Homeland Security people. We dare not show them The Delta Force — it may anger today’s terrorist organizations, prompting them to venture out of their Afghani caves and unleash their wrath on us, just to make Chuck Norris pay. We can’t bring deodorant or toothpaste on planes. We have to take off our shoes to pass through security check points. Do these TSA people really think I’m hiding a bomb in my flip flops? Really?

What can possibly be next? What new absurdity will 2010 bring that our current efforts to thwart global terror have overlooked?

I’ll tell you. Today’s terrorists have taken global fear to new levels that even I never imagined possible. They have transformed plastic surgery from beauty tool of the vain and insecure into the harbinger of death. I kid you not.

Recently, British intelligence learned that Muslim plastic surgeons trained in London’s finest teaching hospitals have returned to their home countries to use their newfound skills against their Western mentors. They are constructing newer, more refined terrorist soldiers. They will be almost impossible to distinguish from ordinary civilians. Meet the latest addition to the War on Terror — Boobie Bombers.

Al-Qaida plastic surgeons are performing breast augmentation on a new generation of suicide bombers. Explosive devices made from pentaerythritol Tetrabitrate (PETN) are being placed into silicone breast implants. Female suicide bombers are being pumped full of this lethal silicone as we speak. Shortly, they will be ready to bring down entire airplanes with their exploding hooters, thanks of course to the fine training of Western doctors. Once again, we have armed Arab terrorists with an arsenal of knowledge and technology which they plan on using to wipe us off the planet. Bravo. We have really outdone ourselves this time.

Of course, we wouldn’t want the male terrorists to feel left out. While they obviously cannot compete with the Boobie Bombers in the chest bomb market, there are other ways to deliver Implants of Mass Destruction. If you have a set of balls hanging between your legs, you can still help blow up planes. They make exploding buttock implants too. They may give you a bit of a badonkadonk, but if you want to get in on the action, you will have to make some sacrifices.

Apparently, it only takes about 5 ounces of PETN to bring down an entire plane. For those of you less in-the-know about all things plastic surgery, that is not very much. Heidi Montag probably has more silicone than that in her cheeks. When buried in a full size breast implant, that little bit of explosive will be pretty hard to detect.

Plastic surgeons and security experts have confirmed this fact. It will be almost impossible to spot these implant bombs in the new full-body scanners being unleashed in airports across America. Once again, we have spent billions of dollars on absolutely worthless technology that will do little more than annoy the crap out of us every time we get on a plane. Isn’t that the American way?

I’m not exactly sure what the answer to this new terror threat will be. I don’t think you can ban all plastic surgery patients from flying. Maybe we’ll start requiring born-on dates for all breast implants. Those inserted before February 12, 2010 are fit to fly. All others, well you gotta sit this one out. It’s not like you can make people take their breast and butt implants out of their body to go through the x-ray scanners. We seem to be in a bit of a conundrum here.

But enough talk about the ineptitude of American Homeland Security. Now I’d like to talk about the hypocrisy of Muslim terrorists.

I have spent a fair amount of time researching Islam’s stance on plastic surgery. Here’s what I found out:

  • Allah permits plastic surgery only if it is correcting a physical defect which attracts the mockery and scorn of others. The reason this is acceptable is that these physical defects inflict psychological pain on the victims, and all-merciful Allah doesn’t want His faithful disciples to suffer any pain or embarrassment which may make life miserable.
  • Allah does NOT permit plastic surgery for purposes of excessive beautification.

In other words, if you have a genetic defect that makes you look hideous to others, then and only then can you have plastic surgery to feel more attractive. But if society would normally view you as attractive (or at least not hideous), then plastic surgery is considered self-mutilation. This is against the will of Allah, who wants you to look like he wanted you to look (that is, unless he made you look hideous). A bit hypocritical don’t you think? Who gets to determine whether your small breasts are a genetic deformity or simply something you have to deal with?

Anyway, there was one category I did not find discussed by Islamic scholars. There is no mention of plastic surgery as a means to blow up Western infidels. Apparently, Allah has made no provisions which allow surgical enhancement to teach us dirty Westerners a lesson. Therefore, it seems like Allah does not permit plastic surgery to blow up airplanes. Those hypocritical terrorists. They are dooming these poor suicide bombers to an afterlife in Hell.

Although, I’m sure they use powerful rhetoric to recruit these new plastic surgery bombers. I’m sure the men who get butt implant bombs are told of the harems of virgins that await them once they die for the Cause. There’s one problem with this rhetoric. Don’t you think a butt implant will blow off their genitals? What in the hell are they going to do with a harem of virgins if they have no genitals? It just doesn’t make any sense.

This leads me
to my next question. Do our Boobie Bombers get harems of male virgins after they blow themselves up? Does Allah permit female terrorists to get harems of male virgins or is He sexist? I would think it should work both ways, although I somehow think that a harem of premature ejaculators (I mean male virgins) would not be all that appealing to our female terrorists. Maybe they have a different strategy to recruit the women bombers. I just don’t know.

What I do know is that plastic surgery will never be the same. The next time I see a woman with fake breasts, I’m instantly going to wonder if she has a bomb lodged in those bombs. That is the most tragic side effect of this whole mess.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Orlando, Florida area, please contact Orlando breast surgeon Dr. Brian Joseph at Park Avenue Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Sorry terrorists, Dr. Joseph doesn’t do explosives. You’ll have to get those in Pakistan.

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Posted in Breast Implants, Silicone Breast Implants | 1 Comment »

To Win Back Ex-Boyfriend, Woman from China Gets Plastic Surgery to Look Like Jessica Alba

Friday, February 5th, 2010

I had a tough time deciding what to write this week’s blog about. Here were some of my top choices:

  • NFL cheerleaders and plastic surgery (in honor of the Super Bowl) — unfortunately, I couldn’t dig up anything good on the topic
  • Labiaplasty blog on women with two vaginas — yes, Tyra Banks actually found 5 such women and put them on her show recently (is she any better than Jerry Springer?) — this one may have been a bit too racy for me to handle without getting fired
  • The popularity of different plastic surgery procedures based on region of the country — boring!

Fortunately, I came across a story about a woman in the throes of desperation, driven to extreme measures in order to win back her boyfriend. I’m sure plenty of you can relate to the feeling. There’s no telling what people will do to hold onto someone they love until they are faced with the very real threat of losing that person. These are often the stories that make up the rather one-dimensional plots of screwball comedies. Except on the big screen, we tend to laugh at these situations. When it involves someone we know and care about, the response is generally more like, “D’oh!”

Xiaoqing is a 21-year-old woman from China. Her 28-year-old boyfriend recently broke up with her and she hasn’t been the same since. Her devastation is so all-encompassing that she is ready to try anything — and I mean anything — to win him back. This includes undergoing extensive plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba, her ex-boyfriend’s favorite actress (he’s reportedly obsessed with her films — I guess there’s no accounting for taste in China).

Wait a minute, didn’t I just write about this recently? Someone getting extensive plastic surgery to look like a famous Jessica? Oh wait, that was Jessica Rabbit. I’m not sure which is worse, a British woman in her late 50s trying to look just like a cartoon character or a Chinese woman trying to look like a blond Caucasian bombshell. Either way, these people need serious therapy. Crazy plastic surgery junkies, what’s wrong with looking like yourself? That was so 20th Century. Today, it’s all about looking like someone else. Why be original when you can pay someone to cut you up and make you look like your favorite celebrity?

If I were to get plastic surgery to look like someone famous, I’d choose Michael Jackson. That would really confuse the crap out of the plastic surgeon. Which of his 18 different noses should I choose? What would my skin color be? The options are limitless. “Doc, I’ll take MJ’s 1987 nose, his 1992 skin complexion, and his 1976 eyes. Oh, and make sure I get his pre-Pepsi commercial ‘I’m on fire’ accident hair.” I would have so much fun watching the bewildered expression on the surgeon’s face as he tried to talk me out of my impending plastic surgery nightmare. I guess I just have a sick and twisted sense of humor.

But back to our story…

Xiaoqing went to a hospital in Shanghai for her procedure. The doctors didn’t want to sugar coat it for her. They told her it would take a miracle the equivalent of Moses parting the Red Sea to make an Asian girl look like a blond Caucasian woman, especially one with a face as iconic as Jessica Alba’s. But Xiaoqing is unflappable in her resolve. She will get her boyfriend back, no matter what it takes.

And what will it take, you ask? I can’t say for certain, but I’ll venture to speculate:

  • Blepharoplasty — Definitely, without a doubt, must be done! We need to round out those eyes, don’t you think?
  • Lip implants — Jessica’s are much poutier than Xiaoqing’s.
  • Breast augmentation — Another must-have, don’t you think?
  • Liposuction — I haven’t seen Xiaoqing’s body, but I doubt she has Jessica’s curves.
  • Rhinoplasty — We need to reconstruct this girl’s face, so let’s just throw in the nose job for good measure.

Of course, she may need several other procedures as well. After all, she is trying to look like a famous actress.

Xiaoqing:

Jessica Alba:

You might be wondering how a 21-year-old girl from Communist China can afford all this plastic surgery. An excellent question. I was wondering the same thing myself. In a brief moment of generosity, the hospital decided to perform the surgery free of charge in return for the rights to publicize her story across the globe.

No kidding. I guess there is no Hippocratic Oath for doctors in China. Instead of turning this poor woman away and referring her to psychologist (the honorable and ethical decision), they chose to whore themselves out for a little worldwide press. Ah, to be a plastic surgery pimp.

Here is Xiaoqing’s rationalization for her life-altering decision: “As a member of the younger generation in this country, I have a choice to decide what I want in life. I have never been able to let him go. If in the end, he still does not accept me after I undergo the plastic surgeries, I will give up. I will then choose to let go, start afresh and live life by myself.”

My commentary:

  • You can choose to decide what you want in life, but so can your ex-boyfriend. Clearly, he chose to NOT keep you in his life. Deal with it. Don’t be a spoiled brat and act like it is your right to make him be with you. Life doesn’t work that way, no matter what country you live in.
  • If he chooses to take you back after your surgery, I would be a bit skeptical about your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who would only take you back because you looked like his favorite celebrity vixen? That isn’t really the type of person you want to date. There are over a billion people in China. I’m sure you can find someone with a little more substance and integrity than that.
  • If this doesn’t work, do you really think you are going to give up? Really? Don’t insult my intelligence. You are crazy enough to undergo massive plastic surgery to look like a completely different person. You will not stop just because he says, “Sorry. I still don’t want you.” I’m not sure what crazy plan you’ll hatch next, but let’s be clear about one thing. This will not be your last attempt to win back this dude. Can we say restraining order?
  • When he eventually rejects you AGAIN, which I’m sure he will because you are clearly CRAZY, you will have to start afresh by living your life by yourself, but looking like someone else. Not only will you be alone, you will broadcast to the rest of the world that you are completely nuts, and no one will ever want to date you again. Even if you do look like Jessica Alba.
  • Oh, and what are the odds that the plastic surgeon will be able to pull off this miracle? What happens when you come out of surgery looking not like Xiaoqing and not like Jessica Alba, but like some mish-mashed monstrosity? Then what? How’s your ex-boyfriend going to react if you look like a freak? This is the gift that keeps on giving. You will forever have a constant reminder of the lowest moment of your life every time you look in the mirror. Most likely, you will not like what you see.

Sorry to be harsh, Xiaoqing. I’m just calling it like it is.

If you live in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area and have a reasonable plastic surgery request, please contact experienced Pittsburgh plastic surgeon Dr. James Barber today to schedule your initial consultation. However, if you want to look like Jessica Alba, Jessica Rabbit, Jessica Simpson, or any other famous Jessica, you may want to consider visiting a psychologist before booking your plastic surgery consultation.

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Posted in Body Image, Celebrities and Plastic Surgery | 1 Comment »

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