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Archive for January, 2010

Woman Crushes Watermelon with Torpedo-Sized Breast Implants

Friday, January 29th, 2010

Everyone needs a talent in life. Some people use their talents to help mankind. Others use their talents to dazzle audiences in the fields of athletics, art, or music. And then there are those who use their talents to gain access to their 15 minutes of fame (or in this case 60 seconds) on the Spanish equivalent to The Jerry Springer Show.

Before you read any further, you MUST — I repeat MUST — watch the video in the link below. You have no choice. The entertainment value of what follows hinges on your having seen this video. Plus, don’t you want to see this woman crush a watermelon with her giant fake boobs? Who can resist an offer like that?

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d21_1231085665

I’m not quite sure where to begin with this one. I’m sure we can all agree it is a classic piece of television which must be preserved for posterity. I know I’ll be showing it to my grandkids in 50 years. I suggest you do the same.

I love how they shift back and forth between speaking English and Spanish. It’s like they’re not sure who is tuning into this program. Should we cater to the gringos north of the border or just our regular Latino viewing audience? Then again, I think the message imparted when you smash a watermelon with your giant breast implant should universally speak to everyone in the audience, no matter what your native language may be.

I also love that the woman dedicates her bludgeoning of the watermelon to her mother in Santiago. A rather odd choice don’t you think? If you were smashing a fruit larger than a newborn baby with your torpedo-sized breasts, would you really want your parents to tune in and watch? Do you think they would throw a viewing party for all their friends? Would they stand up and cheer, shouting, “Hit that melon. GO! GO! GO! GO! That’s my girl.” I’m sure her parents are beaming with pride as we speak. A lifetime of parenting, all for this one glorious 60 second moment that will be forever remembered on the Internet. It really makes you want to have kids.

If you watch closely, you can see a chunk of her hair extensions fall off the second time she hits the watermelon. Then, if you keep watching closely, you will see her deftly remove the piece of hair from the table a few seconds later (approximately 20-25 seconds into the video — yes, I’ve studied this clip a little too closely). I can’t really tell what happens to the hair. Does she put it in her pocket? Does she stuff it down her shirt next to her massive fake boobs? Does she drop it on the floor? Regardless, she clearly didn’t want to get watermelon juice on her precious fake hair. After all, that would be tragic.

She has a very interesting technique. She alternates between hitting the watermelon with one boob and two boobs. Sometimes she’ll go double boob twice in a row, sometimes she’ll single boob it twice in a row. How will she hit it next? We just don’t know. She is so sly, she keeps us on our toes the whole time. You might want to call her the Muhammad Ali of watermelon bludgeoning. Float like a butterfly, sting like a breast.

When the watermelon finally cracks, you think she’s done. But wait. There’s more. She must finish the job by hitting that thing 4 more times. As if it wasn’t destroyed enough the first time. Before her last strike, she even pauses for what seems like an eternity to measure her down stroke. Executed like a true pro.

Anyone hungry? Feel like some watermelon drenched in silicone? Yummy. She goes to town, grinning from ear to ear, watermelon juice dripping down her face. Clearly, it’s a tasty watermelon. So why doesn’t the TV show host want to try some when she offers him a piece? Could it be that it was just smashed into pieces by a nuclear warhead-sized breast? Did you see the guy’s reaction? He was speechless! He couldn’t even respond to the offer. He even ran off the set in order to avoid eating that thing. She had him freaked out.

Those were my highlights. But this is a plastic surgery blog, so we should talk a little bit about her breast implants too. What do you suppose they are made of? Steel? Iron? Kevlar? Arnold Schwarzenegger’s endoskeleton from The Terminator?

I’m shocked that they didn’t pop from the impact. Her plastic surgeon must be pretty good. Oh, and how much silicone does it take to break a watermelon into a million pieces? A gallon? Two gallons? I wonder if at her initial consultation, she told the doctor, “Pump me with enough silicone to bust up a giant watermelon. I don’t believe in using knives.”

That must have been painful, fake breasts or not. What would ever possess someone to do a thing like that? I doubt it was her first go at this. Her technique was too refined. I wonder if she is always black and blue from pounding on fruit with her surgically enhanced breasts.

Alternative Watermelon Crushing Scenarios

To leave you all today, I would like to place a few images in your mind to help wipe away the scarring display I just forced you to watch. Let’s consider how this event would have transpired under the following situations:

  • An 8-year-old’s birthday party — Do you think a bunch of 8-year-old kids could bust that thing pinata-style? I suppose you would need to supply them with an aluminum bat instead of a tiny wooden stick. I would feel bad for the poor kid who actually busts that thing wide open, only to find out there is no candy — just a heaping mound of watermelon debris all over the place. Talk about a let-down.
  • Tailgating at a football game – Ok, so how many beers would a bunch of meatheads have to drink tailgating at a football game before they thought about crushing that watermelon on their head? Crushing an empty beer can on your forehead is one thing, but this might send you to the hospital. Safety first — wear a helmet.
  • Star Wars style – How would she break this watermelon using the force? We can divide this into two scenarios. In the first one, a greatly dismayed Yoda would look at her with his signature constipated facial expression, yelling, “There is no try, only do or do not.” He would then lift the giant watermelon out of the swamp so that she could take a swat at it with her light saber.

    In the next scenario, we turn to the Dark Side of the force. She is now Darth Vader (with really big boobs). She points to the watermelon, saying “You have failed me for the last time.” The watermelon begins to choke under her wrath,
    eventually exploding like the planets experiencing the wrath of the Death Star.

  • Matrix style – This one would be a little difficult. I doubt she can fit into those tight leather outfits that the women of the Matrix would always wear. Maybe Keanu Reeves could lend her his trench coat so that she is more comfortable. But as with any other problem encountered in the Matrix, there is only one way to solve it — pump 50 rounds of machine gun bullets into it until it is truly dead.
  • Godfather style – How would Don Corleone order the execution of this watermelon? Again, I will present you with two scenarios. In the first, the watermelon is placed in the front passenger seat of a car while Luca Brazzi sits behind it, strangling it with a wire. It should be a little less messy than those executions in the movie — there aren’t any legs to kick through the windshield while it fights for its dear life. But it may drip watermelon juice all over the car’s upholstery. That could be tough to clean.

    In the next scenario, Don Corleone stands in front of the priest taking Baptism for his new God-son, renouncing Satan and all of the other evil vices in his life. Across town, one of his thugs (with giant fake boobs) places a bullet right through the butt-end of the watermelon, showing it who is boss once and for all.

  • Karate Kid style – This one is my favorite. A whole new era for Mr. Miyagi. As our mondo-breasted woman flails around trying to grasp the fundamentals of karate, Mr. Miyagi could tell her, “Karate not from here (points to her hands). Karate not from here (points to her head). Karate comes from here (fondles her massive breast implants). Now, show me wax on, wax off. Show me sand the floor. Show me paint the fence. Show me pound the melon.” I’m sure you can figure out how this one ends.

If you are interested in breast augmentation to bust up a watermelon in the Orlando, Florida area, please contact experienced Orlando breast surgeon Dr. Brian Joseph today to schedule your free initial consultation. Make sure you warn him in advance if you intend to use your new breasts as battering rams. It may affect your procedure.

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Posted in Breast Augmentation | No Comments »

Plastic Surgery Junkie Injects Cooking Oil into Her Face

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Well, no one ever said that plastic surgery addicts were smart.

For some, plastic surgery addiction simply leads to massive amounts of debt and a healthy dose of ridicule from bloggers like me. However, in the hands of a certifiable nut job, this addiction can lead to horrific disfigurement. Today, we are talking about a woman who dove head first across that line.

Hang Mioku is a 48-year-old Korean woman who has struggled with the demons of her plastic surgery addiction for more than 20 years. From her first procedure at the age of 28, she was hooked. She even moved to Japan in an effort to more easily get her fix.

Over the years, Hang has undergone many facial plastic surgery procedures, leaving her face swollen and disfigured. However, while her sane friends and neighbors gasped in horror, Hang saw a beautiful face reflecting back at her in the mirror. I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

Finally, she had taken her addiction so far that plastic surgeons began to cut her off. Eventually, no reputable plastic surgeon in Japan was willing to operate on her. One of these surgeons even referred her to a psychologist.

Ostracized from the Japanese plastic surgery community, Hang returned to Korea determined to continue mutilating her face beyond recognition. Not that she needed any more surgery to accomplish this goal. Her parents, who hadn’t seen her in years, no longer recognized her.

It took some time, but Hang eventually convinced them that she was indeed their daughter. Faced with the reality that their daughter had lost all her marbles, Hang’s parents brought her for psychiatric treatment. Unfortunately, therapy wasn’t the answer. She needed rehab.

Do they have rehab centers for plastic surgery addicts? They probably should, because junkies like Hang need a lot more help than you can get in therapy.

Most likely, Hang would never make it to plastic surgery rehab. I can see her adopting Amy Winehouse as her spokesperson, joyously singing, “Tried to make me go to rehab, I said NO NO NO!” Of course, this anthem may not have the same power when sung in Korean.

Getting back to our story…

Therapy didn’t work, and rehab was out of the question. Hang was back on the streets jonesing for some silicone to satisfy the proverbial itch. Luckily, there was at least one dealer — I mean plastic surgeon — who wouldn’t balk at feeding her addiction.

Not only was this doctor willing to perform silicone injections on Hang, he even sold her a kit with a syringe and some silicone so that she could “shoot up” at home. Talk about an enabler. I’m surprised this guy didn’t get his medical license revoked.

Eventually, Hang went through her entire stash. She was facing the ultimate junkie conundrum: go cold turkey and take control of your life (not an option) or resort to desperate measures in the continued search for the ultimate high (YES! YES! YES!).

For Hang, desperate times meant cooking oil. That’s right, cooking oil. Fry up a little Hang to go with your bacon and eggs. Just make sure to use enough oil to prevent her face from sticking to the pan.

Well, not exactly. Hang didn’t saute her face. She just injected a butt-load of cooking oil into it. Not too smart.

Apparently, when you inject cooking oil into your face, it blows up to grotesquely large proportions. At least, that’s what happened to Hang’s face. The neighborhood kids even gave her a nickname — “standing fan” — referring to the fact that she had a huge head on a tiny body. If she spins around in circles really fast, do you think it looks like she oscillates?

Hang eventually became famous for her disfigurement, and Korean TV talk show hosts started knocking at her door. Many viewers took pity on Hang and donated money for a surgical procedure that would bring her face back to a normal size.

Hang went for several operations to remove the mess of substances inserted into her face over the years. Unfortunately, nothing could be done. While her face is not quite as large as before, she is still hideously disfigured.

There is a bright side to this story though. Hang has finally seen the errors of her junkie ways and says she wishes she could have her original face back. More than 20 years of addiction, agony, and self-mutilation to finally realize she would have been better off accepting the face she was born with.

The moral of the story — if you know someone suffering from a plastic surgery addiction, she doesn’t need rehab. Just take a huge needle and shoot cooking oil into her face. She’ll never want to go under the knife again, although she may look like this:

If you are interested in plastic surgery in the Jacksonville, Florida area, please contact the Desai Center of Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery to schedule your free initial consultation. Junkies please stay away. Dr. Desai won’t feed your addiction.

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Posted in Injectable Fillers, Plastic Surgery Addict | 1 Comment »

Cross-Dressing Laundry Detergent Thief: "I'll Surrender… Once My Breast Implants Heal"

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Hmm. All I can say is, are you serious?

A man in Charlotte, North Carolina is wanted by local authorities after he and his buddy robbed a Family Dollar store in the area. The heist — $48 worth of laundry detergent. Oh, and both men are cross-dressers.

But wait, it gets better. Their getaway car was a rental. Brilliant. It’s going to be hard to track that one fellas (can you call a cross-dresser a fellow?).

During the getaway, they unsuccessfully attempted to run over a witness in the parking lot. The store manager swears it was intentional. I’m sorry, but can anyone truly be that bad of a driver? A person is a pretty big target. If you are trying to hit the guy, you’ve gotta hit the guy. No excuses. Bonus points if you rupture his spleen.

Somehow, the witness used his ninja-like reflexes to narrowly avoid a crushing blow at the hands of a rented Mitsubishi Galant driven by two cross-dressers stealing laundry detergent. Congrats buddy. You have one hell of a story to tell your grandkids.

Would you believe I haven’t even gotten to the truly bizarre part of the story yet? This next part even floored me, and I’m a pretty tough audience to shock these days (see my last few blogs and you’ll understand why).

One man has already been apprehended by the police, but his partner, Mitchelle E. Anthony, is still at large and apparently in hiding. Yes, his name is Mitchelle. Not Mitchell, not Michelle, but Mitchelle. I guess the dude just couldn’t figure out which one to choose. Why not have the best of both worlds?

I wonder how that would work with my name? Andrewea? Not quite Andrew, not quite Andrea, but Andrewea. A hideous thought. Let’s just pretend I never went there.

And now, back to the good part of our story…

Mitchelle is apparently aware that he is now a wanted fugitive of the law. We know this because he called police headquarters to inform them that he promises to turn himself in…

…once he has recovered from breast augmentation.

And the best part? The police response: “OK.”

I suppose there isn’t a sense of urgency to bring in a person wanted for stealing $48 of laundry detergent, even if he did try to kill someone in the process. But really? You are going to let this MAN tell you he is slowly recovering from breast augmentation, and he needs to rest before coming in for questioning?

The funny thing about this whole situation is that Mitchelle probably needs to buy all new clothes to accommodate his perky new breast implants. Why does he even need to wash his old clothes?

I suppose if you need that much detergent, you probably haven’t done laundry in about 5 years, so maybe your clothes stink to high hell. Maybe the new wardrobe for his breast implants is a blessing in disguise.

According to Mitchelle’s friends, he has fully recovered from his operation and is hiding out somewhere. Now the police have lost all their leads. Too bad, I’m sure they could have found him while he was bed-ridden nursing his swollen new breasts. Now they just have to face the embarrassment of letting a cross-dressing laundry detergent thief slip through their fingers because they allowed HIM to recover from breast augmentation.

I personally think Mitchelle made the right choice in hiding out. I have a feeling he would have been some big dude’s whipping boy in the big house with those nice new implants and a name like Mitchelle. Better not drop the soap.

Police are asking anyone with information on this highly crafty fugitive to contact them at once. He may be dressed like a man. He may be dressed like a woman. It’s just too hard to say one way or the other. But he will definitely have rather large breasts.

Oh, and he’s HUGE — 5’6″, 230 pounds. Did he really need breast augmentation at that weight? He probably already had pretty hefty man-boobs. Here’s a mug shot of Mitchelle to help you in your search:

If you live in the Fairfield County, Connecticut area and are interested in breast augmentation to avoid apprehension by the police, please contact the Connecticut plastic surgery office of Dr. Rick Rosen today to schedule your initial consultation. Cross-dressers are welcome.

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Posted in Breast Augmentation | 1 Comment »

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