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Archive for December, 2009Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Mother's Breast ImplantsWednesday, December 23rd, 2009
This advice, while quite prudent, was clearly not heeded by the Marshalls, the resident British queens of breast augmentation. When I give them this distinction, I am not trying to be witty or sarcastic. They have legitimately earned this rather dubious honor. Chantal Marshall and four of her nine daughters have combined for nine breast augmentations between them, setting a record for the most breast surgeries by a British family. Of course, this is a source of great pride to the Marshall clan, who have even gone as far as calling their home Silicone City. A bit sick and twisted if you ask me, but I guess everyone needs something to be proud of. You might be wondering why they needed nine operations to improve the breasts of five women. Did the doctors botch a few of the initial operations, requiring extensive revision surgery to get it right? If so, this would speak volumes about the Marshall women’s ability to pick a plastic surgeon. But alas, there are no gruesome tales of nasty breast implants riding up too high, leaky silicone dripping through their bodies, implants that go pop in the night, or nipples that were incorrectly reattached in a manner that makes them look like circus side show freaks.
Their story is much more boring than that. They just really love getting new breast implants, and one trip to the doctor doesn’t seem to be enough to satisfy their insatiable urge for MORE SILICONE. A bit loco if you ask me. Maybe we should have them all committed.
To date, the Marshalls have spent about $65,000 on breast implants. But don’t worry. It probably won’t be long before they hit six figures. There are still four daughters who have yet to go under the knife and two daughters who have only made one trip to their plastic surgeon. They have some catching up to do. This madness undoubtedly hit its peak the day Chantal accompanied daughters Emma and Ripley to the hospital for mommy/daughter plastic surgery. That’s right, all three had breast augmentation on the same day from the same doctor. I can only imagine the pissing contest going on in the recovery room as 50-year-old Chantal shoved her droopy boobs in her daughters’ faces, insisting hers were the greatest. Meet the Marshalls Let’s delve a little deeper into “The Real Sisters of Silicone City” — Britain’s reigning family of plastic surgery freaks: Chantal Vital stats: Age 50, mother of nine, 3 breast augmentations, $21,600 on breast implants, started at 34B, now 34DD The Skinny: Popping out nine kids left her breasts looking like milk bottles (her description, not mine). Jeez, I wonder what else got a little blown out in the process. Maybe a labiaplasty is on the horizon for Chantal as well. Her first operation left her a bit traumatized, but not enough to deter her from throwing her chips back on the table for round two after seeing her daughter Emma’s results. Two years later, she couldn’t pass up the opportunity of a lifetime — round 3, performed simultaneously with two of her daughters. As Sly Stone once said, “It’s a family affair.” Chantal is very proud of the stunning family resemblance resulting from hair bleach and matching breast implants. If they were an American family, they’d probably all live together in a trailer park in West Virginia. Emma Vital stats: Age 28, beauty therapist, 2 breast augmentations, $15,200 on breast implants, started at 34B, now 34F The Skinny: She got her first boob job at the ripe old age of 18. The inspiration for her surgery was countless hours of watching Pamela Anderson’s jugs bounce up and down as she saved lives on Baywatch. Congrats Pam — yet another dubious accolade to pad your rather forgettable resume. For her second operation, Emma participated in the family debacle I’ve mentioned above. She couldn’t wait for the anesthesia to wear off so that she could participate in a three-way “boob-off” with Ripley and her mom. Ripley Vital stats: Age 18, design student and nail technician, 1 breast augmentation, $7,200 on breast implants, started at 34C, now 34DD The Skinny: Proudly, she’s the youngest Marshall girl to get breast augmentation. She not only takes pride in her fake boobs, she basks in the glory of her mom’s and sisters’ silicone behemoths as well. Isn’t that nice, she’s a team player. She claims the family has become much closer as a result of their shared love of silicone. Aw, now I’m getting all warm and fuzzy inside. Before getting implants, Ripley used to pad her bra with chicken fillets. That’s right, chicken fillets. I’m not sure if they were raw or cooked, and I’m not sure which would be more disgusting. I wonder if her boyfriends used to find her breasts finger lickin’ good.
She saved up half the money for her procedure and was lucky enough to procure a loan for the remainder of the balance. Lucky for her, the British love their plastic surgery, and they have no qualms about giving a girl just outside of high school a few grand to boost her bra size, especially if it means a few hungry families can now eat all those chicken fillets Ripley was stuffing down her bra. Terri Vital stats: Age 25, dancer, 1 breast augmentation, $7,200 on breast implants, started at 32DD, now 32GG The Skinny: That’s right, DDs weren’t enough for Terri. She needed to go bigger. I guess being naturally well-endowed doesn’t prevent you from feeling left out when your sisters are going for upgrades. Besides, I think Terri has a bit of a competitive streak. She’s been known to argue with Emma over who has the biggest boobs. Terri prefers breast augmentation to going to the dentist. A rather odd comparison, I must say, but OK. She has also claimed that if she were flat-chested, she’d be willing to stuff as many as 10 chicken fillets in her bra to mask her deficiencies. What’s with these girls and chicken fillets in their bras? Tara Vital stats: Age 22, receptionist, 2 breast augmentations, $12,800 on breast implants, started at 34A, now 34E The Skinny: Poor Tara. She was the unfortunate recipient of A cups. This must have caused her a great deal of distress, especially as she watched her older sisters repeatedly pump silicone into their breasts. I mean, she just couldn’t measure up. What’s a girl to do? I’ll tell you what she’s going to do. She’s going to get implants at the very first chance she gets. As soon as she turned 17, she booked her initial consultation so that she could have her operation immediately after turning 18. Time’s running out. No time to waste. She’s only 18. God forbid she goes another day with A cups. She’ll bring shame to her family. Oy vey. Tara loves her fake look so much that she decided to go for round 2 several years ago. Now she feels amazing. We’re so happy for you Tara. If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Jacksonville, Florida area, please contact the Jacksonville plastic surgery office of Desai Plastics today to schedule your initial consultation with Dr. Ankit Desai. Family is very important to Dr. Desai. If you come with your mom and all your sisters, maybe he will cut you a group discount. Tags: Breast Augmentation BOTOX Blackmail ScandalThursday, December 17th, 2009 Extramarital affairs, illicit sex acts, recreational drug use, clandestine sex tapes, angry spouses, blackmail scandals. No, I’m not talking about Tiger Woods, although I very easily could be. And no, I’m not summarizing the plot for a new Sharon Stone movie, although lord knows she’s made enough films that fit this description.
I’m referring to a BOTOX blackmail scandal that has recently surfaced in Great Britain. A British woman secretly filmed an encounter with her plastic surgeon where she performed a sexual act for him while he was administering her BOTOX treatment. Wow! I’m impressed. I don’t know that I would be able to keep a steady enough hand to properly administer the BOTOX injection under those circumstances. I’d be too distracted. Either this doctor has incredible self-control or his patient is not very good at what she does. Regardless, I’m shocked that this woman would risk the facial disfigurement that would result if her handiwork caused the good doctor to botch her BOTOX injection. She would have a freakish face for months, and then her doctor would most likely not want to engage in future sexual encounters with her. I suppose she was so turned on by her doctor that she simply couldn’t wait 15 minutes for the procedure to be completed. Our doctor must have some serious mojo. According to the reports, the two were not caught having sex, although it sounds like they have engaged in an ongoing sexual relationship. Instead, she had performed a “sexual act” on him. Since the incident occurred while he was administering her BOTOX treatment (I’m still blown away every time I think about this — no pun intended), she most likely was not using her mouth. I mean, he would have to be a very talented doctor to perform the procedure under those circumstances. By process of elimination, we can probably figure out what was going on between the two love birds on this tape. However, in order to maintain a semblance of professionalism on this blog, I will not speak any further on this subject. I trust you can all use your imaginations. But I digress. Back to the story… Somehow, this woman let her clandestine sex tape fall into the hands of her husband. I don’t quite understand how this happened. I would think that he would be the last person she would want to see the tape. I guess if this woman is dumb enough to risk disfigurement by performing sexual acts on her doctor while he is administering her procedure, she is probably dumb enough to bring the tape home, pop it in the DVD player, and say, “Honey, look what I did today!” However, instead of going into a fit of rage, her husband saw dollar $ign$. He went straight to the doctor and demanded a little over $32,000 to keep his mouth shut. Hmm. A whole $32,000. For that paltry sum of money, he is risking incarceration in a federal prison. After all, he is blackmailing a plastic surgeon. They make good money. Don’t you think he should have set his sights a bit higher? Maybe ask for a few hundred grand to keep the tape private? $32,000 just seems a bit anti-climactic for a blackmail scandal. It appears that at first, the doctor was planning on paying. However, at the urging of his brother, he brought the matter to the police. According to the doctor’s court testimony, the sexual relationship with this woman was completely consensual. Furthermore, she demanded that he supply her with drugs such as ketamine. I guess she liked to party. I wonder if she was in a K-hole while performing the sex act in question. That would certainly be an interesting twist of events. Or maybe she shared the ketamine with her husband, and when he asked where she got it, she showed him the tape. Wouldn’t that be a doozy? I suppose the moral of our story is that if you are going to let your patient perform sexual acts on you, wait until AFTER the procedure has been completed and she is no longer your patient so that you do not risk having your medical license revoked. And for God sake, don’t let her get the encounter on video tape. Learn from Tiger, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, and the countless others before you who have been caught red handed. Be discreet! You don’t know how big of a mouth your mistress may have (again, no pun intended). If you are interested in BOTOX injections in the Seattle, Washington area, please contact the Seattle plastic surgery office of Pratt Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Pratt plays it by the book, so don’t expect any hanky panky during your injections. Tags: Botox Silly Woman, Cartoons are for KidsFriday, December 11th, 2009 Part 2 of the “Jessica Rabbit woman” saga In my last blog, I started discussing a woman who recently had plastic surgery to look like Jessica Rabbit. Crazy as it sounds, it is 100% true, I kid you not. I know you have all been waiting on the edge of your seat to find out what this woman looks like now that she has been remade in the image of a cartoon vixen. And now, the moment of truth. Drum roll please…
Jessica Rabbit, circa 1988
Annette Edwards, post-plastic surgery Wow! Talk about a letdown. Maybe I need to get my eyes checked, but it seems to me that this woman looks nothing like Jessica Rabbit. If I were her, I’d be asking for my money back. In light of these shocking developments, let’s break down the incompetence of her plastic surgeon and point out Annette’s shortcomings in her bid to take this madness all the way. Let’s start with her botched plastic surgery: When trying to turn back the clock 30 years (I think it’s safe to say Jessica Rabbit is in her 20s), you’re probably going to need a little more help than just a brow lift and chin implants. Most likely, you will need a full facelift. This woman can’t even pass for 40, much less 25. Oh, and perhaps she could have overdone it a bit more on the BOTOX as well. The eyes are always the first feature to give away your age. Annette really needs blepharoplasty if she is serious about becoming a sultry cartoon goddess. While she did get the brow lift, an essential procedure if you are really going to look like Jessica Rabbit, she did not take it far enough. Her brows don’t even point in the same direction as Jessica’s, and to be honest, they are much hairier. Maybe some waxing could help in that department. Have you noticed Jessica’s luscious long eyelashes? I’m sure you have, because they are one of her most prominent facial features. Have you noticed Annette’s? Neither did I. Do you know why? It’s because she doesn’t have any. Why oh why didn’t her doctor prescribe Latisse for her? Moving on to the lips. If you were to breed Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger to create an offspring with “master race” quality lips, the result would still pale in comparison to Jessica Rabbit. Cartoon or no cartoon, Jessica easily has the world’s most seductive lips — porn stars around the world were eating their hearts out when she was created. It looks like Annette would need a vat of collagen to be placed in the same category as Jessica. Where was this procedure on her list? That, my friends, is the million dollar question. While it is tough to get a good look at Jessica’s nose from this picture, it is still clear that it is far more petite and shapely than Annette’s. Where was the nose job in this transformation? I’ll cut her a pass on the cheeks; it seems that genetics were on her side for this one. Her high cheek bones are the one trait she shares with Jessica Rabbit. Unfortunately, we did not get a full body shot of Annette, which prevents us from tearing apart her efforts to achieve the perfect cartoon body. But based on Jessica’s proportions, I’d say that a breast lift would hardly be enough to achieve those boobs. You need breast augmentation for that. Something along the line of F cups perhaps? I hope Annette’s diet and fitness program involved a whole lot of sit-ups, because I seriously doubt that eating like a rabbit would give her Jessica’s six pack or curves. But since we don’t get to see her body, we’ll have to give her a pass on this one too. Now, here is where Annette dropped the ball: Hello. Jessica Rabbit is a red-head. You are a blonde. For God sake woman, dye your hair! You blew it on the easiest step. And how about those eyes? You have poopy brown ones. Jessica has emerald green ones. Ever heard of contact lenses? When you are too lazy to take care of these rather important, yet utterly easy to fix details, you lose all credibility in my book. I suppose it is unfair to blame this fiasco on the shortcomings of Annette’s plastic surgeon. After all, he was charged with the daunting task of making her look like a cartoon character. I wonder what his reaction was when Annette first walked into his office with a picture of Jessica Rabbit and said, “I want to look like this.” If I were her surgeon, I most likely would have politely declined the job and referred her to a psychiatrist. Then I’d call all my closest friends and tell them that a lunatic just walked into my office asking to become a cartoon character. Looking at this from a “glass half full” perspective, his job could have been much harder. Annette could have asked to look like Betty Boop. Then her surgeon would have had to make her black and white. I would pay good money to see a surgeon who can pull that off. I guess the moral of the story is, don’t try to look like a cartoon character, especially one with caricature-like dimensions. There is no way you can ever achieve this goal, and it will only make people like me laugh at you on the Internet once you’ve fallen short. If you live in the Chicago, Illinois area and would like to change your appearance to resemble an actual human, please contact the Chicago plastic surgery office of Dr. Otto Placik to schedule your free initial consultation. Dr. Placik doesn’t do cartoons. Sor Posted in Body Image, Breast Augmentation, Celebrities and Plastic Surgery, Facelift, rhinoplasty | 2 Comments » Woman Gets Plastic Surgery to Look Like Jessica RabbitThursday, December 10th, 2009
For years, women have been asking plastic surgeons to re-sculpt them in the image of their favorite celebrities. While I find this a bit warped and twisted, I can certainly see where the desire comes from. In our less creative moments, we all turn to imitation to inspire us. It seems only natural that when you hate your nose and can’t figure out what to do about it, you will covet the nose of a beautiful celebrity. Some of Hollywood’s most commonly copied features include Megan Fox’s eyes, Jessica Alba’s nose, Angelina Jolie’s lips, and Scarlet Johansson’s breasts. However, it is rare that a woman will ask her plastic surgeon to recreate her entire appearance in the image of one particular celebrity. After all, that would be lunacy. One woman took this madness a step farther than I ever imagined possible. Annette Edwards, a 57-year-old British woman whose obsession with rabbits borders on unhealthy, recently spent more than $16,000 to look exactly like Jessica Rabbit. I know what you must be thinking, because I had the same initial reaction. It’s going to take a whole lot more than $16,000 to look like a cartoon character. But seriously, who in their right mind would ever ask their plastic surgeon to make them look like a cartoon? Let me paint a psychological profile of the woman who actually thought it would be fun to become a carbon copy of a fictional character. She is:
Starting to get the picture? This woman is a total fruitcake. You might be wondering what it takes to make a woman in her late 50s look like sexiest cartoon character ever (Jessica Rabbit was honored with this distinction earlier this year). Drum roll please… Annette received a breast lift, brow lift, chin implants, and a series of BOTOX injections. When it came time to trade her middle aged, saggy figure for Jessica Rabbit’s hot rockin’ body, Annette decided to go au naturale, committing to a strict three month diet and exercise regimen. Her secret: “I’ve just really lived like a rabbit, eating only salads and cereals.” I’m pretty sure our cartoon vixen didn’t get those sultry curves by eating only Cheerios and sprouts, but I guess this method saved our human protagonist (can I still call her human now that she’s been remade in the image of a cartoon?) a lot of money in liposuction and a tummy tuck. Of course, if you’re like me, the curiosity must be getting the best of you by now. You’re just dying to see what a woman cosmetically altered to resemble a cartoon looks like. Drum roll please… …You didn’t really think I’d make it that easy, did you? You’ll just have to wait for part 2. To be continued… Posted in Body Image, Botox, Breast Lift, Chin Augmentation, Liposuction, Tummy Tuck | No Comments » "I'll Marry You…Once I Have Enough Plastic Surgery"Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
As Paul Flack gazed across at his soon-to-be wife on their wedding day last summer, he had a puzzled expression on his face. She bore a vague resemblance to the woman he’d been dating for the past 16 years, but she certainly did not look like the person he had asked to marry him. According to his bride, Jane, she wouldn’t have had it any other way. Many women dream about having the perfect wedding and often go to great lengths to make sure it is a day to remember. However, Jane felt an impending sense of dread at the thought of getting married. To her, there was no way this day could be perfect — she simply was not attractive enough to walk down the aisle. As a result, she delayed the inevitable for more than 16 years. Every time Paul would propose, she would tell him no — not because she didn’t love him or want to marry him, but because she couldn’t bear the thought of being an ugly bride. About three years ago, Jane realized that she couldn’t put off the wedding day much longer. Despite her constant efforts to deflect his overtures, Paul kept popping the question. At this point, she decided to take action. She would travel to the farthest reaches of the globe if necessary to look beautiful on her wedding day. As it turns out, that is precisely what it took. Over a three year period, Jane travelled almost 17,000 miles, spent approximately $25,000, and endured 10 plastic surgery procedures in a Frankenbride transformation unlike any other. Her plastic surgery addiction became so all-encompassing that it completely trumped her plans for the wedding. In fact, her surgery cost more than $8,000 more than the actual wedding. Talk about priorities. Let’s try to retrace Jane’s plastic surgery odyssey: Her first stop took her to Johannesburg, South Africa for a tummy tuck and a breast lift. Jane was so thrilled with the results that she immediately realized she must continue tweaking her body until it met her standards of bridal perfection. Next, she flew to Belgium for eyelid surgery and laser wrinkle treatment. While she now felt vastly more attractive, she was far from bride-worthy. However, Jane knew she couldn’t turn down another proposal from Paul, and when he asked in February 2008, she finally said yes — on one condition. She refused to set a wedding date until she could have more plastic surgery procedures. The third stop on Jane’s world tour was Cyprus, where she received a facelift, chemical peel, and liposuction to remove her double chin. Her final stop brought her back to Belgium for multiple liposuction procedures. More than eight liters of fat were sucked out of her body in five different regions. She then returned home to London for BOTOX and teeth whitening. At last, Jane was ready to be a bride. Jane sums it up this way: “Every bride wants to look her best on her wedding day, but when you’re 45 and a mother of four, you have to work that little bit harder to look your best.” I’m not so sure I’d say that she worked harder. There was no diet, no massive fitness program to shed some pounds and tone up her body. There were quite a few plastic surgeons who worked very hard to make her look her best, but no work on her part. Let’s give credit where credit is due. I can understand the desire for some self-beautification procedures on your wedding day — maybe get your hair done, some fancy make-up. But when it takes you 16 years, $25,000, and 10 plastic surgery procedures for you to feel comfortable enough in your own skin to walk down the aisle, it might be time to make an appointment with a therapist. But who am I to criticize? It’s her money. If she wants to spend it all on wedding day plastic surgery that costs more than the big day itself, it’s her right. I just find it a bit shocking and excessive. If a woman ever tells me she needs to run around the globe for 3 years getting plastic surgery before we can get married, it will be a deal breaker. Too many red flags for me. If you are looking for a plastic surgery vacation before your wedding, please contact experienced New York City plastic surgeon Dr. Howard Bellin at the CosMedica Plastic Surgery Center of New York today to schedule your initial consultation. You can even take a leisurely jog through Central Park to show off your new body before going home to tie the knot. Posted in Breast Lift, Bridezillas, Plastic Surgery Addict, Tummy Tuck | 1 Comment » |
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