November 1st, 2011
Sorry for the lack of a better title, but the guest blogger who wrote this did not title her entry. Nevertheless, we didn’t think her lack of a title should preclude her from being named runner up. The Halloween blog contest judges (myself and Dr. Candelaria) both liked her blog even though there was not title.
This entry was written by Meagan Baalman Wairama of New Zeland.
He walked in from the garage, dirty jeans that smelled like grease, took a beer from the fridge, stared at her and then walked into the living room. “You aren’t what you used to be,” he said.
She watched him while he turned on the TV. He was right. She had aged. Her hair was wiry from home dye jobs. Her stomach, once taught and slim, bulged a bit. Breast implants. Those would come in handy… what was the technical term?
“Breast augmentation.”
Yes. That would make her just about perfect. She did have a few laugh lines. Isn’t that what they called them? That’s what she had. Ironic, she thought, since she couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled. She hated her life.
Maybe not her life. Maybe it was just him. The way he stared at other women and ground his rotting teeth made her sick. He stuck his hand down his pants and slouched as some football team took the field. He whistled at a cheerleader.
“She might give you the time of day if you drugged her,”Katherine thought as she stifled a laugh.
She was ready to move on. He’d left marks on her back from a whipping when she’d tried to leave once, but other than that, she was salvageable, she thought, young enough to get some new man if she decided that’s what she wanted. She’d stashed some cash.
“What are you staring at?”he asked.
Nothing she said. She thought about the day they’d met, how he had made her feel. She thought about how she would have been a great wife, maybe even a mother, how she had dreams once.
“It’s not too late, Katherine.”
The voice was back. It started again whenshe changed her kitchen calendar to October; and it had stayed the remainder of the month. Now, on Halloween night, she realized that it had easily become her most trusted friend. It wanted her to kill him, to kill the man she had married.
“And why not,” thought Katherine, as if anyone would miss him. “Sorry sack.”
“Kill the man. Take his money. Get that plastic surgery you’ve been wanting. Change your life, Katherine.”
How?
“Kill him.”
But how?
“You know how.”
She did know how. Well she’d had ideas. Five years of abuse would be enough to make Mother Theresa think of murder, she reasoned.
“Take his money.”
Her husband kept a safe in his garage. Money he’d won from racing box cars. What a redneck. “I don’t know the combination,” she said to the voice.
“Of course you do.”
What? His birthday?His mother’s birthday?Our anniversary?
“Don’t be stupid.”
It’s that damn dog.
“Good girl.”
Of course. His hunting dog died last year. What day did that dog die?
“October 31, Katherine. 10/31/2010.”
10-31-20-10
“So are you just going to stand there, or are you going to get to town before the liquor store closes and get me some beer?” His voice seemed to come out of nowhere. Katherine jumped.
“I’ll get you some beer,” she said.
“Get him some acid and watch him burn,” said the voice.
They both laughed at that as Katherine took her keys and walked out to the car. It was an old car. Beat up. Hail dents in the roof.
“You will need a new look and a new car,” said the voice.
“I couldn’t agree with you more,” she said as she pulled out of the drive.
As she drove into town she smiled at the scare crows, skeletons, bright Halloween lights, and pumpkins carved and glowing in the dusk. She missed carving pumpkins, dressing in colorful costumes. She smiled as she watched Cinderella skip arm and arm with a skeleton down a well-lit street.
She never had children. This was once sad to her, a source of pain. Now, it was just another reason to walk clean away.
The trailer park was about four miles from town. No privacy there, plenty of dealers and users and nightlife, and plenty of unemployed that were always out at all hours.
She’d decided to paralyze him two years ago when he’d beat her so bad that she couldn’t move. There was nothing worse than being unable to move, she once told the voice.
He’d earned his death, no doubt about it. To do it, she just needed to get him good and drunk.
“Baby, I got you your favorite,” she said cheerfully as she walked in the door.
“I asked you to get me beer,” he replied as he stared at the Jack Daniels’ bottles, one in each of her hands.
“I know,” she said. “You’ve been working so hard on that racecar of yours, I thought you deserved the good stuff.”
“What are you playing at?” he eyed her.
She shrugged. “Nothing. Just took a chance. I can go get the beer if that’s what you want.”
He grabbed one of the bottles, walked to the kitchen, poured it into a glass and walked out into the garage.
“What about trick-or-treaters?” she asked the voice. “There are sure to be a few.”
“No need to worry about them. If they see anything they will see what they always see: You, sober and nervous. Him, drunk and disorderly.”
She smiled. This was almost too easy. As night began to fall and clouds began to cover what looked like a full moon, Katherine calmly walked into the bedroom and took her husband’s baseball bat out of the closet.
There were a few trick-or-treaters. They walked past the garage and up to the front porch. Their costumes were shabby, probably taken from the bottom of some dirty trailer’s closet or some dingy dresser.
Katherine was ecstatic. She smiled at the kids, gave them as much candy as they wanted.She was ready.
“Bring him in,” she thought. “Bring him in and I will show you want I can do.”
As if her wish was granted, her husband walked in from his garage, empty bottle in hand. “Want the second bottle, baby?” she asked.
Without responding, he took the bottle from the kitchen cabinet and sat down at table. He drank it without a glass.
“Have you been mixing that with anything?”she asked.
“Whatdo you care? Ain’t any of your business.”
She replied with silence; and she waited.
As a dark night settled, her husband started to slump over the table. She let him be.
“Drink.Just drink,” said the voice.
Soon, his head hit the table;he was snoring soundly. She pushed him out of the kitchen chair and let him fall onto the floor. He lay on his stomach. Calmly, she walked to the bedroom, took the bat in her hands, and walked to his unconscious body sprawled out on the kitchen floor.
“Swing hard, Katherine.”
She raised the bat and aimed it towards the small of his back. She swung the bat and listened as his backbone broke. She smiled.
“Will he wake up paralyzed?” she asked.
“Who cares if he does? You’ll be long gone.”
And she was.
When Michael woke up three days later in a pile of his own blood, his wife was well on her way to Colorado. “The Rocky Mountains,” said the voice. “That’s what we need.”
When he was well enough to talk about what had happened to him, he told his story to a police officer that had better things to do with his time than help out a two-time convicted wife beater. Once his case was buried in a pile of cases, his wife was fully recovered and working in Colorado.
She was a personal assistant to a successful plastic surgeon. Her new nose complimented her facial structure; and her breast implants(breasts thatthe voice jokingly called the “box car boobs”in honor her husband’s car racing cash), had given her the self-esteem and self-confidence that she had so sorely missed throughout her marriage.
Michael, it seemed, had simply never happened.
If you live in the Phoenix, Arizona area and are interested in breast augmentation, please contact Dr. Bryan Gawley today to schedule your initial consultation.
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants | No Comments »
October 31st, 2011
written by Kelly Playko
Seline threw open the door to her plastic surgeon’s office, screaming in agony.
“Help! I need to see Dr. Proctor! Dr. Proctor!” she wailed, limping all the way to the front desk.
She was panting heavily, her clothes were torn to shreds, and her hair was matted in bulging red clumps. Blood ran down her neck, chest, arms and legs and a big chunk of skin was missing from her right calf.
Jody, the receptionist, was terrified of this ghastly sight and backed away from the desk.
Seline stopped and looked around the waiting room at all of the terrified faces. She tried to calm herself by taking a few deep breaths. Then she turned her attention back to Jody.
“I know I look like a raving lunatic right now, but I must see Dr. Proctor. This is an emergency!” she declared.
Still wide-eyed, Jody stood frozen in place.
“Please,” begged Seline, “I must speak with Dr. Proctor right away. Can you page him for me?”
Just then the head nurse, Charlotte, rushed out of the reception area to assist her.
“Oh my goodness! What happened to you, honey?” Charlotte asked with a sharp Southern drawl. “You look like you’ve been playin with a pack of wolves.”
Seline began to explain what had happened to her but was cut off by the concerned nurse.
“Oh never you mind, child. We need to get you in here so we can clean you up,” Charlotte said, pushing Seline towards an examining room.
Seline walked into the brightly lit room and let the kind nurse dress her wounds. As Charlotte cleaned and bandaged Seline’s injuries, she kept muttering and babbling, mainly to herself. Seline began to get impatient after a few minutes and brushed her off, having only half her wounds cleaned.
“Thank you, but I need to speak to Dr. Proctor right now. This is a matter of life and death. Where is he?”
She raced out of the room and ran down the hall screaming for her doctor. Finally, she found his office and Dr. Proctor sitting in his chair. She lunged inside and locked the door behind her so they wouldn’t be disturbed.
The doctor instantly stood up, wide-eyed and confused.
“Seline, what is going on?” he asked. “What happened to you?”
He noticed the blood on her clothes and around her neck and chest. White bandages were placed all over her legs and arms. Her hair was wet with blood.
She flung herself over his desk and grabbed his white coat.
“You have to help me! You have to take these breast implants out, or…” she trailed off.
“Or what?” he asked, still confused.
“Or she’ll kill me. She wants them. She craves them.”
Still baffled, Dr. Proctor asked, “Who wants what? Seline, I’m really confused. You need to have these wounds looked at.” He picked up the phone. “I’ll call Charlotte in to finish taking care of these and then we’ll…”
She tore the phone out of his hands and slammed it down. She was losing patience again. “You don’t understand! You need to prefer this surgery immediately or I am going to die!”
Stunned by her rage, Dr. Proctor froze and stared at the deranged woman standing in front of him, soaked in blood with gashes all over her body. He calmly sat back down in his chair.
“Okay, you have my attention. Would you mind telling me what this is all about? Why are you not happy with your breast augmentation?” he asked, attempting to get some answers but trying not to evoke another outrage from her.
Seline acknowledged the doctor’s look of fear—the same look she got from the nurses and the women in the waiting room. If she wanted help, she had to calm down and tell him her story. She sat down in the chair across from him and began to explain everything.
“It all started when I moved to Plantersville…”
Seline, a well-known interior designer, was hired by Ronald Stump, one of the richest men in the country, to restore one of his older estates that sat on top of Plastic Hill in Plantersville. Ronald only lived in the house for a month after it was built before he moved on to other business ventures. He turned the giant house into a successful bed and breakfast for many years until an accident occurred with one of his guests. After the investigation, Ronald shut the business down. It sat on top of Plastic Hill for over 10 years, unused and unwanted, until now.
However, Mr. Stump never knew of the rumors that swirled around his estate. The people of Plantersville never went near the house or its grounds after it was shut down. In fact no one ever went up to Plastic Hill because of the stories. They said it was wicked. They said it was haunted. They said it was evil.
Seline did not know about any of these stories either and took the contract.
After she moved in and began mingling with the local residents in town, she started to learn about Ronald Stump’s estate and all of the terrifying rumors that were told about it. People claimed to hear piercing cries of agony at night. Children would investigate the grounds and say they saw a black shadow circling the graveyard that sat close to the estate. Stories were told of people who went missing from the bed and breakfast when it was open.
At first Seline laughed off the locals’ crazy notions. She didn’t believe in ghosts, ghouls or spirits. It was all nonsense until she began to dig a little deeper. She began to research some of the stories people told her, mainly the disappearances. To her surprise, they were right.
She found out that couples used to go missing when they stayed at the bed and breakfast. But then mysteriously, the disappearance stories began to change. Instead of couples going missing, it was women who disappeared. She was even more intrigued and wondered what they all had in common. Further into her research, Seline put the puzzle together—they all had breast implants. And so did she.
Not long after her discovery, Seline began noticing bizarre occurrences at the house. Lights would turn on or off without anyone being in the room. Doors and windows would close or open on their own. The stereo or television would turn on or off in the middle of the night.
Then Seline began experiencing strange incidents. She felt eyes on her all the time when she was at the estate. At night she thought she felt a hand touch her chest. She had abnormal, sometimes scary, dreams and would sleep walk. Usually she woke up outside of the graveyard.
These unexplained phenomenon lasted for a few weeks but Seline still didn’t want to believe in the supernatural. She thought there had to be some other explanation until tonight, when she was attacked by a gruesome figure. It barely resembled a female with its long stringy black hair, small body frame and shrieking voice. Her eyes were hollow, her nose was missing, only half of her face had traces of skin on it, and she breath smelled of rotting flesh.
Seline had fallen asleep in the living room. She dreamed the most bizarre dream since she had been at the house and awoke inside the cemetery. Before she realized where she was, the zombie-like woman had jumped on top of her, clawing at her breasts and her chest.
“I want them,” she shrieked. “I need them! Give them to me!”
Seline knew she was after her implants. She fought with the ghoul for quite some time, wrestling on the ground, feeling teeth sink into her leg, nails ripping her skin. Finally she was able to kick the woman off of her and ran back inside the house. Frantically, she looked for her purse, grabbed it and her car keys and left the estate. Behind her, she could hear the undead woman howling for her breasts.
After hearing this outrageous story, Dr. Proctor decided that Seline needed help that was beyond his capabilities. He had to contact his friend at the psychiatric institute.
“So you see, doctor, it has nothing to do with your breast augmentation. It’s this…this thing that craves implants, for some reason. So I need these out tonight or she’ll kill me!” Seline cried. “You do believe me, don’t you?”
“Let me see what I can do to help, Seline,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”
Dr. Proctor left the office for a few minutes and then stepped back inside. But this time, he looked different. He was paler, his hair was disheveled and there were drops of blood on his white coat.
“Dr. Proctor, are you…?” Seline began as she rose from her chair.
Just then, the doctor morphed into the grisly woman.
“I want them! Give them to me!” she screeched.
“NOOOO!” Seline shouted.
Then, the ghoulish creature attacked her for the final time.
If you live in the St. Louis, Missouri area and are interested in undergoing breast augmentation, please contact Dr. Richard Kofkoff today to schedule your initial consultation.
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants | No Comments »
October 13th, 2011
Halloween is almost upon us, and the Cosmetic Surgery Directory Blog would like to celebrate the occasion with a horrifying tale of murder, mayhem, and of course, silicone. Since this holiday sparks the creative juices in most people, we have decided to hold a guest blogger contest. The winner will have their blog posted on the Cosmetic Surgery Directory Blog on Halloween and receive a $50 gift certificate from the place of your choice. The runner up will receive a $25 gift certificate.
The theme for this year’s Halloween blog is “the undead breast.” You can interpret this theme however you like, but your blog must include some sort of undead creature (vampires, zombies, etc.) and it must be related to breast augmentation. It is up to you to figure out how these two factors align in your story.
Here are some important guidelines to follow:
- Please keep your story to approximately 1000-1500 words. I know this isn’t very much length to create a Halloween story, but keep in mind that your story will be posted as a blog on a website; it is not the great American novel.
- You must use the keyword terms “breast augmentation” and “breast implants” at least twice each in your story. This will help us create links and improve the SEO value of your blog.
- While this is a Halloween blog/story and should be fun/scary, it must still adhere to a level of professionalism and appropriateness befitting a plastic surgery website. In other words, no cursing, no derogatory or racist comments, etc.
- Please use Arial 11 font for your blog.
- The inclusion of pictures as a visual enhancement to your blog is encouraged, but not required.
For an example of an appropriate Halloween plastic surgery blog, please read last year’s:
http://cosmeticsurgeryblog.the-cosmetic-surgery-directory.com/2010/10/28/boob-jobs-and-corpses-%E2%80%93-lady-macfaust/
The deadline for all entries is October 24, 2011. All submissions should be emailed to andrewm@page1solutions.com. Page 1 Solutions reserves the right to edit the winning submission as we see fit to meet the formatting and standards established by the Cosmetic Surgery Directory Blog. Page 1 also reserves the right to use and post any submissions on our websites.
Good luck, keep it spooky, and may the breast man win.
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October 7th, 2011
Faster than a speeding pebble. More powerful than a Lionel toy locomotive. Able to leap small fences in a single bound. No, it’s not exactly the Man of Steel you’ve come to know through movies and comics over the years. This is more like the Man of Plastic. And yes, he is a real man.
Herbert Chavez, a 35-year-old pageant trainer from the Philippines, has somewhat of an unhealthy obsession with Superman. We’re not talking about a Shaq-like obsession where he gets a few Supeman tattoos and wears an occasional Superman t-shirt. No, this guy has taken his fetish to a whole new level. He’s actually tried to become Superman.
I know, it sounds crazy that a grown man would want to look and act like a fictional character from another planet. That’s the type of behavior you’d expect from a 5-year-old. But in this case, it is the driving force behind Herbert Chavez’s existence. It has come to define him.
Channeling Christopher Reeves
Chavez has been undergoing plastic surgery since 1995 to look more like his favorite incarnation of his favorite superhero – the Christopher Reeves version of Superman from the iconic 1970s movies. He’s admitted to having the following procedures performed in his quest to mimic the Man of Steel:
While it hasn’t been confirmed, it is also likely Chavez has undergone:
He’s also expressed a desire to undergo a procedure that would make him taller. I didn’t even know that was possible. Is he being stretched on a torture rack?
Check out the following before and after photo, which shows the shocking transformation:
Good lord. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. How about with a few photos of his home, which is covered inside and out with Superman memorabilia.
I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact that this is an adult. I’m getting flashbacks to The 40 Year Old Virgin, when Steve Carell spent inordinate amounts of time playing with his GI Joe dolls. Speaking of adult virgins, how many women do you think come flocking to Herbert’s door to get a look at him in his snazzy blue tights and red cape? My bet is he hasn’t exactly been beating them away with a stick.
Maybe he should spend more time dressing like Clark Kent. While Superman’s alter ego certainly struggled to get laid, or even noticed by women for that matter, I have a feeling he’d do much better than our boy Herbert with the ladies.
Keeping the Philippines Safe from Criminal Masterminds
At least we can sleep better at night knowing that Herbert Chavez is roaming the streets in a Superman costume keeping people safe from the many criminal masterminds and super villains who call the Philippines their home. Perhaps he even ambles up an occasional tree to save a kitten in distress. I’m sure that would make his parents proud.
Actually, I’ve done some research to find out who our modern-day Superman’s nemeses are. Believe it or not, there aren’t too many high profile Filipino criminal masterminds out there. It sounds like Herbert Chavez’s job as a crime fighting super hero shouldn’t be too dangerous. Here are his two main adversaries:
- Nardong Putik – A Filipino gangster turned folk hero. He carried an amulet which he believed helped him survive multiple ambushes and gunfights during his career as a criminal. Well, his amulet served as a good luck charm for a few decades, but it didn’t prevent Nardong from dying in a gunfight with Filipino narcotics agents in 1971.
- Juseph Ejercito Estrada – Former President of the Philippines who was ultimately impeached due to allegations of corruption. He was eventually convicted of plunder (is that really a crime?), but was later pardoned by Filipino President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in 2007.
So in all of the Philippines, the only high profile criminals I could dig up are a gangster who has been dead for 40 years and a disgraced former president with a penchant for corruption and plundering. Not exactly what I would have expected from a Filipino Lex Luthor. But then again, this whole situation is a bit silly, don’t you think? Perhaps even a bit pathetic.
If you live in the Denver, Colorado area and have a hankering to look like your favorite comic book superhero, please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Grossman has received numerous awards for making people look like the Incredible Hulk, but he welcomes the challenge of taking on other superheroes like Wolverine, Wonder Woman, and Spiderman in the near future.
Tags: Herbert Chavez, Superman plastic surgery
Posted in Chin Augmentation, Lip Fillers, Plastic Surgery, rhinoplasty | No Comments »
September 1st, 2011
The sluggish economy has everyone tightening their belts and being more frugal w/their money. That means fewer trips to places like Atlantic City where the casinos will suck the cash right out of your pockets in record time. But it seems that at least one casino has gotten a bit creative to try and boost their crowds this fall.
If you are looking to tighten your belt a few notches or suck that fat right out of your thighs, you may want to stop by Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City during the month of October. The casino is sponsoring a plastic surgery sweepstakes where the winner will receive $25,000 to be spent on their desired procedures.
Need a tummy tuck to get back to your pre-pregnancy figure? Play some slots at the Taj Mahal and you might just hit the jackpot. Looking for some BOTOX to get rid of those facial wrinkles and improve your poker face? Go all in at the Taj Mahal poker table and you just may get your wish. Want to get some breast implants to fill out your bikini a little better? Just play a few rounds of blackjack at the Taj Mahal this fall. And make sure you know the right time to double-D down.
This promotion has inspired mixed emotions among the Atlantic City faithful. Some people are excited about the prospects of a $25,000 image overhaul courtesy of Donald Trump. But this promotion has made others just roll their eyes in horror. As one woman put it, “Stupid. Nothing much else to say. That is just stupid.”
I couldn’t have put it better myself. But I’ll try. Here goes…
If you can’t afford that boob job you’ve always wanted, then you probably can’t afford to blow a bunch of cash in Atlantic City over the weekend hoping your lucky number gets called. If you spent your mommy makeover money on your child’s new pair of Air Jordans (does Michael Jordan even endorse shoes anymore?), then you probably shouldn’t be letting it all ride on red at the roulette table. If the money in your liposuction fund has been sucked dry by your child’s college tuition fund, then you probably shouldn’t be banking on a hot streak at the craps table.
Ultimately, you’ve gotta know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em. And this hand has bust written all over it. If you’re looking to get something for nothing, just play the lottery. At least it’ll only cost you a dollar. Much cheaper than dropping a bunch of money in Atlantic City in the hopes that you’ll get a free breast augmentation. If you’ve ever been to Vegas or Atlantic City, then you know that nothing is ever free. They’ll get your cash one way or the other.
But if for some crazy reason this kind of pipe dream is for you, then you’d better act fast. Time is running out. The winner will be picked on October 29th.
For those Philadelphia, Pennsylvania residents who have the money to pay for their plastic surgery and don’t need to fight traffic on the Jersey Turnpike to get something for free, please contact Dr. David Bottger today to schedule your free initial consultation.
Tags: Plastic Surgery, Taj Mahal plastic surgery contest
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August 25th, 2011
If you were to hear a 65-year-old person say that a surgical procedure gave her a new lease on life, what kind of operation would come to mind? A pacemaker? Kidney transplant? Bypass surgery? Removal of a cancerous tumor? These all seem pretty plausible. But one operation I would never expect to hear mentioned in the context of that comment is breast augmentation.
And I should know better. After writing about the absurdities of plastic surgery for so long, I should realize that anything is possible – especially when it comes to those crazy Brits. But it’s true. Joan Lloyd, a 65-year-old great grandmother from Wales, has recently gotten breast implants to boost her paltry A cup to a more hearty F cup.
Yes, a shriveled, wrinkled, white-haired old lady with massive cleavage busting out of her shirt creates a hideous image in my mind. But then I saw the actual photo of this woman and her new assets, and I actually think I vomited in my mouth.
Not Your Typical Plastic Surgery Addict
One of the things that make this whole scenario even harder to wrap my head around is that this woman doesn’t fit the profile of your typical nut-job who just can’t help herself when it comes to going under the knife in the name of youthful beauty. She’s not a plastic surgery addict. In fact, this is (to my knowledge) her first plastic surgery procedure.
On the contrary, Joan fits the profile of old-school matronly purity. With 4 kids, 13 grandchildren, and six great grandchildren, she is the head of a rather large family. And with 6 great grandchildren by the age of 65, you know she got started popping out those little tykes at a young age. You might say she was a baby making machine. A true breeder in every sense of the word.
In fact, she got engaged to her husband of 49 years after their first date (gulp!). By my math, that put her at about age 16 when she walked down the aisle. There are two ways to interpret this – either she is truly old-school or we have the makings of a story fit for Jerry Springer.
In support of the old-school theory: Joan spent the last 15 years caring for her sick husband. His list of ailments paints a picture of hard living – heart condition (maybe too much partying?), lung condition (smoked like a chimney?), cirrhosis of the liver (hitting the bottle a bit too hard?), diabetes (liked his Twinkies?), and Alzheimer’s (at least his mind was gone while his body was rotting away).
I know, I’m going to Hell in a hand basket for making fun of this man’s misfortune. But regardless, that is a lot of disease for one body to endure, and I’m sure Joan’s life was not very exciting while she cared for him over the last 15 years of his life. His death served as the impetus for Joan to invest in herself. But at age 65, she might have gone a little too far with her boob job. F cups are a bit much on a woman who had her AARP card before I was old enough to legally buy a beer (that was 14 years ago).
“24-Year-Olds, Dude”
In support of the Jerry Springer theory: You can make the argument that everything I listed as supporting the old-school theory can also be used in defense of the Jerry Springer theory. But then there is so much more to add to the Jerry Springer argument. Like the fact that she started dating a 24-year-old.
That’s right, a 24-year-old. I’m not exactly sure what that guy saw in a woman old enough to be his grandmother. Again, I’m fighting to hold back the vomit.
While Joan insists that some people don’t even know how old she is now that she’s had breast augmentation, I can’t imagine her passing for under 50. Maybe not even under 60. Which begs the question: Was this 24-year-old blind? A virgin? Does he have an old person fetish? Does he like the smell of Bengay and denture cream in the morning? Or maybe he just likes fondling wrinkly fake boobs.
Regardless, it sounds like Joan has had a tough run since turning 50, so who am I to begrudge her a little happiness in her old age? It just seems that this is a bit of an odd way to go about finding that happiness when you’re 65.
If you’re entering your twilight years, live in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and feel it is time to expand your bust line before you end up in Depends, please contact Dr. Michael Hopkins today to schedule your initial consultation.
Tags: Breast Augmentation, brest implants
Posted in Breast Augmentation, Breast Implants | No Comments »
August 18th, 2011
Here’s a story that gives a new meaning to the term “bitch slap.” A Thai natural health practitioner claims she can make your breasts larger without the use of surgery, although I’d say her methods seem like they’d be almost as painful. Welcome to the world of breast slapping.
That’s right. Beat on those breasts. Hit them again and again, till they get bigger. That’s all there is to it. Spank away, and soon enough you’ll be sporting more cleavage and wearing a bigger bra than ever before.
Sounds simple, right? Well, not exactly. According to Khunying Tobnom, the 44-year-old natural healer, you must use a special technique found in traditional Thai therapy. Currently, Tobnom is the only woman on the planet who knows this technique, although that might change very soon (more on that later).
Tobnom said she learned the breast slapping technique from her grandmother, who showed it to her when she tried to increase the size of her breasts as a teenager. Breast slapping involves kneading, massaging, and putting an outright beat-down on the breasts to make them larger. The technique accomplishes its breast augmentation goals by shifting fat from one region to another. As excess fat moves into the breasts, they start to grow.
If you think this is a bunch of Thai voodoo, think again. The government has endorsed the practice as a viable alternative to plastic surgery. In fact, a study conducted by the Thai Health Ministry found that breast slapping left patient’s breasts noticeably larger. But then again, this endorsement is coming from a government that also condones caning as a form of punishment for minor criminal offenses, so maybe we should take their recommendation with a grain of salt.
According to Tobnom, you can expect your post-slap breast size to be several inches larger than your pre-slap size. However, not everyone can expect to achieve miraculous results from breast slapping. Tobnom says, “Sometimes we have to refuse treatment because some breasts are too small to be enlarged.”
Ultimately, you must keep in mind that breast slapping can only yield modest results. “If you really want to enlarge your breasts,” Tobnom says, “have plastic surgery to get them as big as you want.”
To see breast slapping in action, watch the video here: watch?v=ttLo175wyzI
Not Just for Breasts
If after reading this, you find yourself saying, “Jeez, I wish they would offer this for other body parts,” then your prayers have been answered. People looking for a Beyonce-style badonkadonk can go for buttock slapping treatments. And if you are looking to refresh your facial complexion, you can sign up for a few face slapping sessions.
Wow. A bona fide alternative to the Brazilian Butt Lift that doesn’t involve sucking fat out of another part of your body. And someone will “slap dat ass” until you feel like a porn star. Sounds like a nympho’s wet dream.
As for face slapping, I’m a bit more skeptical. If it were legit, why wouldn’t boxers all look ten years younger than they are? Besides, I doubt a treatment like that would fly in the United States. Women who went for a face slapping session would have to worry that their husband might be arrested under suspicion of domestic violence while that black eye heals.
Valuable Knowledge
Right now, Tobnom has a monopoly on the market for breast slapping services. She claims that this highly unusual technique has not been passed down to very many modern healers. “Ancient people didn’t share it much because back then people didn’t care about breast size.” But now that breast augmentation has become one of the world’s most popular plastic surgery procedures, her breast slapping technique is a potential goldmine. Lucky for Tobnom, she became obsessed with her breasts at an early enough age to receive this ancient wisdom from her grandmother.
Now, she has decided to pass this knowledge onto a few lucky protégés. “I believe my wisdom is very valuable. It’s a heritage from my grandmother and I’m the only one in the world who can practice this wisdom,” she says. And as the word spreads about this non-surgical plastic surgery alternative, the value of this knowledge has skyrocketed.
If you are one of the ten lucky people to be accepted into Tobnom’s training program, you had better have a few pennies saved up in your piggy bank, because I don’t think you can take out student loans to complete this program. And believe me, this course will put a serious dent the bank account of those who identify as being among the affluent.
Tuition fees for Tobnom’s training courses are as follows:
- Body slapping – $330,000
- Breast slapping – $263,000
- Face slapping – $164,000
At those prices, I’d say it’s amazing she can even find 10 students. But if you don’t care about learning this hokie Jedi voodoo, you can save a lot of money by just paying for Tobnom to personally give you a cosmetic beat-down. Six 10-minute sessions at her clinic will only cost you $380. That’s a relative bargain compared to plastic surgery, even once you factor in the cost of a flight to Bangkok.
If you are into S&M and bondage, breast slapping might be for you. But if you live in the Chicago, Illinois area, think breast slapping sounds a bit extreme, and would prefer a more traditional breast augmentation closer to home, please contact Dr. John Kotis today to schedule your free initial consultation.
Tags: Breast Augmentation, breast slapping, Plastic Surgery
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August 11th, 2011
It seems that several high profile British actresses, led by Kate Winslet, have decided to take a stand against the rampant plastic surgery debacle plaguing Hollywood today. Winslet, along with Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson, have joined forces to form the “British Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League.”
Winslet, their fearless ringleader, is the youngest of the three. At the age of 35, she still retains her youthful good looks and can command roles earmarked for the beautiful and elite of Hollywood. But the fact that she has yet to be bitten by the aging bug has not altered her firm resolve to swear off the evils of plastic surgery at all costs.
“I will never give in,” she said. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty. I’m an actress; I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”
Commendable words from someone facing tremendous pressure to maintain her looks at all costs. In the world of Hollywood, many actresses start to see their high profile roles dry up as they approach 40. The sad reality is that there is always a new crop of younger, better looking actresses who will usurp the spotlight from them.
I’m not exactly sure what this “Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League” will actually do, or how much of a legitimate organization it is. Clearly, these three actresses are taking a stand against the shallow, appearance-driven culture that dominates Hollywood. But only time will tell whether they dig into their bottomless bank accounts to launch a serious campaign on behalf of all those who choose to take the risk of staying au naturale.
Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League as a Comic Book Series
For some strange reason, this Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons from my childhood – Super Friends. For those of you at least 30 years old, you probably remember this cartoon as well. It featured some of the most iconic DC Comics characters joining forces as part of the Justice League of America. With Superman, Batman and Robin, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, and company fighting as a cohesive unit, the super villains of the world never stood a chance. As a 6 year old kid, this show was pure awesomeness.
With this as our context, let’s look at how we can adapt the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League of Britain to a format mirroring the Justice League of America.
The Main Characters
First, we have our superheroes. Clearly, the ringleader of this group is Winslet, wielding powers of Titanic proportions. Her main sidekicks are Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson. Weisz brings a more soft-spoken presence that should not be underestimated. When it comes to fighting the evils of plastic surgery, she will be a force. Then there is Emma Thompson, the aging star who was never really that big of a star to begin with. She’ll bring some comic relief with her tart personality and prove that wrinkles can pack a punch too.
Now we have our super villains. These plastic surgery addicts will wage their war with our heroines, trying to turn everyone in Hollywood into a silicone zombie. The leader of this pack would certainly be Sarah Burge, also known by her super villain name, The Human Barbie. Burge brings more than 100 plastic surgery procedures to the table and tempts others to the Dark Side by hosting epic plastic surgery lottery parties that suck you in and keep you coming back for more. Once she has you hooked, you’ll join her international brothel and jet-set across the world turning tricks at her exotic sex parties. Remember, The Human Barbie is also a madam at one of the most sordid brothels in the world.
Burge is joined by another heavy weight, Sheyla Hershey. As the undisputed breast implant champion of the world, Hershey wields her 38KKK boobs like jackhammers, dropping silicone bombs on her victims with thunderous fury. In a later season, her character will take an unexpected twist when Winslet successfully separates Hershey from the source of her power – her silicone implants. This will leave Hershey a shell of her super villain self, at which time Weisz will levee a monstrous blow that sends her into a coma. Thus ends Hershey’s run with the super villains.
Of course, we’ll need a few celebrity plastic surgery addicts on the super villain team as well. Michael Jackson will rise from the dead and look just as freakish as he did while alive. I guess that’s what happens when every feature on your face gets botched by the work of a bad plastic surgeon. Jackson spreads the plastic surgery curse via break dancing, and his victims come to resemble his backup dancers from the Thriller video.
Then there is Joan Rivers. She is just there to increase the scariness factor, and to balance Emma Thompson’s super hero wrinkles with some evil super villain wrinkles. Rounding out The Human Barbie’s crew of villains is Mickey Rourke, who somehow fell in with the wrong crew in the middle of his career and turned into a plastic surgery freak. He provides the muscle that is lacking once Sheyla Hershey slips into her boob job coma.
Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League – Fighting for the Soul of Hollywood
As Winslet, Weisz, and Thompson fight for the soul of Hollywood, they encounter a variety of mishaps which test their resolve to stay au naturale. At one point, Thompson almost succumbs to the pressure when she finds out The Human Barbie had her black listed from Hollywood. As her career is held hostage by a BOTOX syringe, Thompson decides she can’t take it any longer. But just before she can freeze her face, thereby dissolving the fragile Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League alliance, Winslet swoops in with her Titanic powers and lands Thompson a bit part on her next movie, aptly titled Old and in the Way.
This is the turning point in the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League’s fight against the plastic surgery super villains. One by one, they fall in battle and Hollywood slowly regains its soul. In the final episode, there is a dramatic showdown between Winslet and The Human Barbie. If Winslet wins, Hollywood is redeemed once and for all. If she loses, The Human Barbie will enslave Hollywood and rule with a silicone fist. Think of it as a showdown resembling what you saw between Neo and Agent Smith in the final Matrix. Only this time, the torrential downpour in the backdrop serves to highlight The Human Barbie’s breast implants, giving our comic book series just enough trashiness to remain respectable among the world of plastic surgery sleaze.
Believe it or not, I’m actually having trouble deciding how I’d like this series to end. While I’d love to see ill fortunes fall on our plastic surgery villains, I also have a healthy contempt for cliché Hollywood endings, and part of me thinks it would be fun to watch The Human Barbie wipe out Winslet and the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League in a swift silicone body blow, just to prove that once in awhile the bad guys actually do win.
If you are thinking the Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League is due for a silicone smack down and would like to join Sarah Burge and her crew of plastic surgery super villains, please contact Hartford, Connecticut plastic surgeon Dr. Stanley Foster today to schedule your initial consultation.
Tags: Anti-Cosmetic Surgery League, Emma Thompson, Human Barbie, Kate Winslet, michael jackson, Mickey Rourke, Plastic Surgery, Rachel Weisz, Sarah Burge, Sheyla Hershey
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August 4th, 2011
All I can say is, her body takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. Sarah Burge, better known among British plastic surgery circles as The Human Barbie, has joined a rather exclusive century club. In fact, I’m not sure there are any other members in this one. The 51-year-old woman has had more than 100 plastic surgery procedures in her lifetime, easily earning her the world record for most ever. Yet, by her own admission, this isn’t enough for her. To borrow from a famous actor currently of ill repute, when it comes to plastic surgery, Sarah Burge’s response is a definitive, “I’ll be back.”
If you think Sarah and her Human Barbie nickname sound familiar, then you must be a fairly regular reader of my blog, since she has been a frequent topic of conversation over the past few months. Yes, while Sheyla Hershey lies in a coma over post-breast implant removal depression, I have needed a new muse. And Sarah Burge just happened to come along at the right time. Just last week, I wrote about the plastic surgery lottery party she sponsored. Earlier posts have described her life as a plastic surgery addicted, sexually depraved madam who organizes exotic sex parties all around the world.
Yes, this woman clearly has a few screws loose upstairs, but that’s why we love her. It’s so much more fun to rip on mentally unstable plastic surgery addicts who are certifiably off their rocker than your average soccer mom who isn’t happy with her body after pushing out two or three kids.
So let’s dig into Sarah Burge just one more time. In this installment, we’ll discuss her insatiable desire for more plastic surgery despite the fact that she doesn’t appear to have anything real left to augment. After more than 100 procedures, she’s about as close to 100% fake as you can get. But why stop here? May as well redo areas that were originally done decades ago. After all, it doesn’t cost her anything to go under the knife (more on that in a minute).
A Burning Desire for Plastic Surgery at a Young Age
According to Burge, “I can’t remember a time I didn’t want surgery.” Her first plastic surgery procedure was performed at the age of seven. She got otoplasty to fix a protruding ear. I guess if you are going to set an unbreakable world record for most plastic surgery procedures, you may as well start young.
But after that, she took a few years off – 20 to be exact. At the age of 27, Burge got liposuction under her jaw line to remove a double chin. I guess she was a porker in her early days. Shortly following this procedure, she had an experience which changed her relationship with plastic surgery forever (her own words, not mine).
A domestic violence incident left her battered and broken all over – broken cheekbone, jaw, eye socket, and teeth. The beating left her disfigured and deformed. Her ego had deflated like a ruptured breast implant. After spending six years wallowing in the dark, she grabbed her life by the balls and unleashed the monster that would soon become The Human Barbie.
$815,000 Worth of Plastic Surgery for the Bargain Price of FREE
In her quest to look normal again, Burge went to beauty school and opened a plastic surgery consultation service. It was at this time that she hatched a rather diabolical and most certainly unethical business proposition. “I visited the best plastic surgeons I could find,” Burge said. “If they could make me look the way I wanted to look then I would refer all my clients to them. They agreed and I haven’t paid a penny for my surgery since.”
So to recap this shady deal – in exchange for free plastic surgery, the Human Barbie would just funnel unsuspecting women into the office of the plastic surgeons willing to play her game. I’m not sure who got the better deal. It would take a lot of patients to equal the nearly $815,000 worth of procedures she’s had over the years. And since she’s still ready for more, there’s no telling how much these doctors will end up giving her for free before it’s all said and done.
She spent her first 30 or so freebee procedures fixing her mangled face. These included:
“After that, I got a bit carried away,” she said. “I would have surgery to maintain the results I’d already achieved or just to try out all the latest techniques and procedures.” Sounds a bit excessive, and painful, if you ask me. That’s like saying you’re going to eat a 24 oz. porterhouse steak 20 minutes after finishing the surf and turf special just to try out the latest marinades they’re using. Why not? It’s free.
According to Burge, “I’ve never regretted any of the surgery. I’ve never been turned down by a surgeon because they know it would be bad for their business.” You don’t say. If they turned her down, she would just refer all her clients to the next sleazy surgeon willing to whore himself out for some extra business. I’m sure it never crossed their minds to tell her no.
She did admit that 1 out of her 100 procedures caused her some pain. After she got buttock implants, she couldn’t sit down for a week. The price some people pay for a badonkadonk.
Yet, she’s the first one to admit that she’s a “nutter and an addict.” On the subject of future plastic surgery, she vows never to stop “until they hammer the last nail into my coffin.” Not that being aware of your severe psychological issues makes them OK. But at least she’s not delusional about the fact that she’s a fruit cake.
If you live in the Denver, Colorado area and want to take a shot at the world record, please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. But better get started soon, because you’re a bit behind the 8-ball and the Human Barbie doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of slowing down.
Tags: Breast Implants, buttock implants, cheek implants, Human Barbie, nose job, Plastic Surgery, Sarah Burge
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July 28th, 2011
We’ve all dreamt of winning the lottery at some point in our lives. Even if it is just in a casual conversation with friends that seeks to elicit everyone’s answer to the classic question, “What would you do if you won the lottery?” The concept of the lottery is so appealing in our culture that it has even spread into areas such as sports. The NBA draft lottery probably enjoys better viewership than some of the early round playoff games, largely because everyone wants to know which down-in-the-dumps franchise is going to hit the jackpot and land an iconic super star that will reverse its poor fortunes.
Recently, one crazed British plastic surgery junkie took the concept a bit too far and organized a plastic surgery lottery party at a club in London. The event, titled “My Big Fat Plastic Surgery Prize Draw Party,” drew heavy criticism from plastic surgeons and women’s groups throughout England, but still managed to pack in a solid crowd due to the fact that there are a ton of Brits who will do just about anything for their plastic surgery fix.
Entry to the event cost about $40, and everyone in attendance was entered into a draw for a grand prize consisting of $6,500 worth of plastic surgery (winner gets to pick her dream procedure). Second prize was a series of BOTOX treatments, and there were several other smaller prizes including pole dancing lessons (more on this in a minute).
The event was hosted by Sarah Burge, who is known throughout Britain as the Human Barbie. She earned this nickname by plunging into the world of plastic surgery at an early age. By the time she reached the age of 50, she had spent more than $750,000 on plastic surgery and now looks much more like a children’s doll than a real person. Well, that’s not entirely true. While she certainly looks more fake than real, she also has a cheap hooker vibe is not done justice by her preferred nickname (again, more on this later). Our happy hooker hostess is the scary blonde woman in the picture below:
And the Winner Is…
Sarah Towle was the big winner at the first ever plastic surgery lottery party. This young booze hound is the proud owner of a $6,500 plastic surgery voucher. It is uncertain whether she will cash it in, or what procedures she would choose to undergo if she decides to take advantage of her winning lottery ticket. But it seems like she’d benefit more from some charm school classes than a few nips and tucks. She throws off a serious trailer trash vibe slugging champagne out of the bottle in her cocktail dress.
Party’s Host is a Sexually Depraved Whore
That’s right. Sarah Burge, aka the Human Barbie, is not your average plastic surgery junkie. She’s a bit of a freak. When she is not prancing around town showing off the results of her latest plastic surgery fix, the Human Barbie moonlights under the alias Madame Pink, a sex party organizer and high class whore. Her website reveals some of the sordid details of her sexual liberation after growing up in a repressive Catholic school environment. It is worth giving it a quick read, just for entertainment value. Here’s a sample:
“30 years on…she’s been stripped and stroked and laid down bare, She’s chained, and been chained. She’s exercised many a career, and been everybody’s baby!!”
One of these “many careers” has been rather lucrative. Madame Pink charges $750 an hour and will be “whatever you want me to be,” satisfaction guaranteed. Yes, she is a rather pricey whore, especially for her age and lack of real body parts. But if you want to go for a roll in the hay with a middle aged professional fornicator who charges more money an hour than some people make in an entire pay check, Madame Pink is your woman.
If you prefer, you can just pony up $1,000 to attend one of her many exotic sex parties held around the world. Some past destinations include London, Spain, Thailand, and Italy. For the price of admission, you get to spend an evening with a bunch of depraved orgy people who are willing to have sex with just about anything that moves. I’m picturing a scene similar to the fornicating zombies in season 2 of True Blood, only the location is probably a little more upscale and exotic than backwoods Louisiana.
Which brings us back full circle to one of our consolation prizes at the plastic surgery lottery party. Does it really come as a surprise that a hooker/orgy goer/sex party host like the Human Barbie would offer pole dancing lessons as a prize? I wonder if she is the teacher, imparting her decades of stripper knowledge on some young, impressionable Brit, or whether she farms out this task to one of her hordes of sex party whores. Regardless, it should certainly prove to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’m just not sure whether it would leave you rolling on the floor laughing or waking up in a cold sweat with pole dancing nightmares.
If you live in Northern Virginia, you probably weren’t at the lottery party. But if you’re willing to pay for your desired plastic surgery procedure, please contact Nova Surgicare today to schedule your initial consultation. This option is much better than getting a handout from a whore with a plastic surgery addiction.
Tags: Botox, Human Barbie, Plastic Surgery, plastic surgery addicts, plastic surgery lottery party, Sarah Burge
Posted in Botox, Plastic Surgery, Plastic Surgery Addict | No Comments »
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