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Chinese Woman’s Breast Implant Explodes after Playing iPhone Game

January 10th, 2014

Let this be a warning to you – breast implants and iPhone games can be a disastrous combination. At least they can be if the stars align properly. And on one fateful night in Beijing, a woman came face to face with the perfect conditions for what is a pretty funny story.

The woman was playing the game Dragon Summoner on her iPhone. I guess this must be a pretty intense game, because she was completely engrossed as the hours flew by. Yes, hours. As in four of them.

dragon summoner

Now, imagine the situation. After more than 4 hours, this woman was about to break her high score on Dragon Summoner (at least we hope that was the scenario after playing for so many hours). All of a sudden, she experiences a sharp pain in her chest.

Oh no! Is she having a heart attack? Maybe some indigestion? A panic attack due to the thrills of flirting with her all-time high score? Better go to the hospital to check it out.

The doctors determined that none of these problems were the cause of her pain. Instead, she had ruptured her breast implant.

Shoddy Breast Implants

You may be wondering how playing an iPhone game for several hours could cause her implant to pop. It just sounds a bit crazy. Well, maybe not so crazy if you knew that she was lying on the bed on her stomach for the entire time.

According to the doctor, the pressure created by lying on her stomach for so long was too much for the shoddy breast implants used in her procedure. After four hours of continued pressure, the implant just gave out, and SPLAT! Silicone leaking all through her body.

Hopefully she saved her progress on the game before going to the hospital. It would be a shame for such a long gaming session to go to waste.

It’s uncertain whether she replaced the breast implant, although I would guess that she did. According to the original news story, she originally opted for breast augmentation to boost her low self-esteem. If she chose not to replace it, she most likely faced two very sizeable hits to her fragile psyche:

  • Coping with life as a small-breasted woman once again
  • The embarrassment of having to tell everyone she knows that her breast implant ruptured because of her video game addiction

Lessons for Other Gamers with Implants

If you are a gamer with breast implants, there are a few important lessons you can take from this story:

  • Go for the better quality implants – it’s worth the money in the long run
  • Maybe you should give the game a rest after an hour or two
  • For God sakes, sit on your butt while you play!

If you live in the Fort Collins area and would like to improve the size of your breasts, please contact Gonyon Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Gonyon uses the best quality breast implants, but maybe you should think about the rupture risks if you are a serious gamer. Better safe than sorry.

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J.J. Watt Getting Pressured into a Nose Job by His Mom

December 31st, 2013

Here are two things you don’t typically see associated with one another – professional football players and plastic surgery. No, most of the time you expect an NFL player to be big, scary looking, and too manly to consider a nose job. That is, unless you are Pro Bowl defensive end J.J. Watt.

And the most amazing part of the story is that his mom is the one pushing him to get the procedure. I can just picture the scene – the 6’5”, 290 pound defensive end who terrorizes quarterbacks cowering next to his much more diminutive mother, placating her with repeated “Yes, mom” comments.

Watt injured his nose in a Week 4 game against Seattle. He suffered a gash on the bridge of his nose that required 4 stitches and has left an ugly mark. The cut reopened often during games later in the season, requiring Houston’s medical staff to continually repair the bloody mess.

So now that Houston’s abomination of a season is complete, Watt’s mom wants him to fix his nose. “She hates it,” he said.

Fortunately for Watt, he’s a beast of a player, and it’s unlikely that a nose job would cause him to be the source of ridicule among a locker full of teammates blessed with an excess of testosterone. Most likely, his pretty new nose won’t prevent him from inspiring fear in opposing quarterbacks either. He’s recorded more than 35 sacks in his first three years as a pro.

It’s likely that Watt’s rhinoplasty will actually improve his performance on the field. He’ll probably benefit from improved breathing ability, and he may even play more aggressively without the fear of reopening that gash on every play. Watch out quarterbacks, a prettier J.J. Watt may be even more terrifying next season.

If you’re a football player in the state of Texas and would like to make your nose a little less scary looking, please contact Dr. Vasdev Rai today to schedule a rhinoplasty conversation. Dr. Rai serves patients in Dallas, Texas.

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Brazilian Pastor Performs “Divine Liposuction” to Help Congregants Lose Weight

December 27th, 2013

The New Testament has documented many of the miracles Jesus performed during his lifetime, but did you know his powers have expanded in death? According to a pastor in Sao Roque, Brazil, Jesus now has the ability to perform liposuction on his faithful devotees.

jesus

Well, I suppose that’s not exactly true. Jesus needs a little help with this miracle. After all, he hasn’t been flesh and bones for nearly 2000 years. Pastor Cesar Peixoto seems to act as JC’s conduit for this spiritual procedure, which he calls “divine liposuction.”

According to Pastor Peixoto, “divine liposuction” exists to make people lose weight and feel better while curing them of diseases related to obesity.

Way to go Jesus! Who needs a plastic surgeon when we have the almighty Jesus to magically melt our fat away and cure us of obesity? I think this even extends beyond the powers wielded by Yoda’s mastery of the force.

yoda

An Operation of Biblical Proportions

Pastor Peixoto claims there is biblical precedent for these types of procedures, citing God’s creation of Eve from Adam’s rib as the first “spiritual operation” performed without the need of a medical procedure.

Well there you have it. It must be true. There’s a story in the Bible that proves it. If you believe this, I also have a burning bush for sale. It’s located somewhere in Egypt.

burning bush

Taking Fanatical Evangelicalism a Bit Too Far

From what I can gather, Pastor Peixoto has modeled this sham after all the other classic evangelical cult figures. He starts off his session by telling his crowd of rabid church goers, “The Holy Spirit is the one who is going to operate. I need angels to do a spiritual lipo!”

Pastor Peixoto then leads his cult devotees in a moment of prayer. This opens the divine healing process, which causes our “divine liposuction” patients to fall into a deep 15 minute sleep on the floor (were they drugged?). When they wake up, these people claim to have lost weight. (those must be some powerful drugs)

Aw yeah. Can I get an amen! I’m feeling skinnier already.

But wait. It gets even better. According to Pastor Peixoto, your “divine liposuction” procedure will not only melt the fat away, it will also cure health issues associated with the pituitary gland, hypothyroidism, and unbalanced hormones. He can even use this procedure to help you break “genetic curses” that cause you to become overweight.

Can I get an amen! (Or maybe a voodoo doll?)

Marketing His Madness

Pastor Peixoto hasn’t achieved the type of star power that brings new followers by word of mouth. At least not yet. He still has to sell his soul – I mean services – the old fashioned way. He walks door to door handing out flyers about the spiritual fat melting that takes place at his church.

divine lipo pastor

I guess that can be somewhat of an efficient way to ensure you rope in the right people. If he walks up to a house and the person who opens the door weighs 90 pounds, he can just move on and avoid wasting his time. Sooner or later he’ll be greeted by someone a bit more plump.

I suppose if you are channeling the powers of Jesus himself, you may as well keep your marketing methods old school. I mean, Jesus never had a website.

Honing His Craft…On a Mountain Top?

So you may be wondering how Pastor Peixoto developed these divine fat melting powers. I was pretty curious when I first read about his miraculous accomplishments. And obviously, there’s a logical explanation.

His “spiritual gift” was bestowed upon him after praying for 40 consecutive days on top of a mountain in a remote Brazilian town.

Ok, now we may be mixing religious motifs here. Is he channeling Jesus or Moses? Was there a huge golden calf at the bottom of the mountain that Pastor Peixoto smote with his newfound spiritual powers?

moses

For years, I’ve argued that Moses was the bigger biblical bad-ass. Sure, Jesus can turn water into wine, but can he part a river and bring a pox on your entire clan? If anyone should be able to magically get rid of your fat, it should be Moses, not Jesus.

But I suppose that debate should be saved for a different time, when we talk about a different nut case (maybe a Jewish one?).

If you want to shed some fat without a painful recovery, maybe you should book a flight to Brazil to visit Pastor Peixoto. You’ll lose weight and feel the hand of God in the same day. But if you are like me and prefer to place your fate in the hands of science rather than a guy who has been dead for 2000 years, then you may want to look into board certified plastic surgeons in your area.

If you live in the Phoenix area and are interested in liposuction, please contact Dr. John Corey today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Corey studied the art of plastic surgery in Brazil, so maybe there will be a little bit of Pastor Peixoto’s magic in your procedure after all.

 

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Dead Model’s Body Identified by Breast Implants

December 13th, 2013

There is no such thing as the perfect crime. You can never account for everything, and sometimes you may overlook a key piece of evidence that will help law enforcement in their attempt to solve the case.

This is precisely what happened in the murder of swimsuit model Jasmine Fiore. The murderer, who police suspect is her husband and former reality TV contestant Ryan Alexander Jenkins, tried to make it nearly impossible for police to identify the body. Before stuffing her naked remains into a suitcase and throwing it in a dumpster, he removed her fingers and teeth. But he forgot one important identifier – her breast implants.

breast implant serial number murder-jasmine-fiore-jpg

That’s right. Never underestimate the forensic powers of the breast implant. Those silly silicone jugs may make you look like a stripper, but they come in handy when you get mercilessly butchered by a psychopath. And if you are trying to commit the perfect crime and prevent the police from ever being able to identify the body, you had better make sure to pull out those pesky implants along with teeth, fingers, hair, and any other DNA identifying agents.

Serial Tracking

Breast implants have these things called serial numbers. You may have heard of them. They’re used on just about any product sold to the general public, and they provide a lot of important information about the product. You can use a serial number to determine when and where a product was produced, where it was sold, and all sorts of other great information.

Pretty amazing stuff, and this isn’t even any kind of fancy, innovative technology. No sirree. It’s just a number. In fact, serial numbers have been used for a long time – long before the first breast implant was ever conceptualized.

It’s funny. These serial numbers are actually recorded and linked to patients during a breast augmentation procedure – I would imagine for safety purposes. For example, if there were a batch of defective breast implants and the manufacturer needed to issue a recall, they could identify all the patients who were involved in the recall using these serial numbers.

Imagine that! How convenient! You know what else this means? You can use the serial number of a breast implant to determine the identity of a dead body that would otherwise be unidentifiable.

Bye-bye perfect crime. You forgot your model wife had a boob job, and now the police know she’s not “missing,” as you reported. No. They know for a fact that she’s dead. And now they’re coming for you. You blew it!

On the Run in Canada

Fiore was last seen alive at a poker game in San Diego with Jenkins. One day later, he filed a missing person’s report with the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. And then something else interesting happened – Jenkins went missing too.

Ok. This is starting to sound like it is far from the perfect crime. First you kill your wife, then you report her missing, then you flee the state while authorities are investigating. Doesn’t look too suspicious. Of course, now that they’ve found the dead body, the police will likely find other evidence linking Jenkins to the murder of his wife.

Jenkins was last spotted near a marina in northwest Washington. When police searched the area, they found his black SUV. It is believed that he bolted for Canada in a boat being housed at the marina.

Jenkins is originally from Calgary. I guess he’s staying consistent. Not much about this murder seems very imaginative. Going on the lam in your hometown where everyone knows you would fit that model.

Jenkins never made it all the way back to Calgary. Several days later, he was found dead at a hotel in British Columbia. His death was ruled a suicide. He was found hanging from the clothes rack by a belt.

Is there a moral to this story? I’m not quite sure. Maybe it’s just that if you are going to marry a psychotic reality TV personality with a penchant for violence, it might be a good idea to get breast implants. They may come in handy if someone has to identify your body after it is pulled out of a dumpster.

If you live in the Los Angeles area and are interested in undergoing breast augmentation, please contact Beverly Hills Body today to schedule a consultation with Dr. Richard Ellenbogen. Discover a new you, and help police discover who you are when all other bodily identifiers are gone.

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Venezuelan Politician Offers Breast Augmentation as Raffle Prize to Raise Money for His Campaign

August 1st, 2013

I’d be lying if I said I knew the campaign finance laws in Venezuela, but it seems like they are a bit looser than the laws here in the United States (if that’s even possible). Some of the schemes drummed up by candidates there would be completely mocked here – to the point where it may even sink a candidate’s election prospects.

Gustavo Rojas, a member of the First Justice opposition party and a challenger for a National Assembly position, got extremely creative when he figured out political donations from his party’s biggest backers wouldn’t be enough to fully fund his campaign. He decided to raffle off a free breast augmentation procedure.

It seems the ploy met with mixed reviews among the Venezuelan people. “There are critics, but also some people think it’s a nice idea,” Rojas told EL Universal newspaper.

gustavo rojas

Plastic surgery is a wildly popular in Venezuela, especially breast augmentation. That being said, it seems a bit tacky and inappropriate to offer free breast implants as an incentive to make a campaign donation. Perhaps Rojas should spend more time letting voters know his stance on important political issues.

Hopefully, he found a highly reputable plastic surgeon to donate his services. A botched boob job for the raffle winner wouldn’t be good press right before the election.

If you live in the Fort Collins, Colorado area and are interested in breast augmentation, please contact Gonyon Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery today to schedule your free consultation. Sorry to disappoint all you political hopefuls, but Dr. Gonyon doesn’t do raffle prizes.

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Plastic Surgeon Creates Most Wanted Posters of Boobs to Track Down Women Who Didn’t Pay for their Breast Augmentation

July 15th, 2013

I’ve come across quite a few stories of women who skip out on their plastic surgeon without paying for their procedure, scamming several thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery for free. In each case, the doctors sat by like a schmuck, with no way of recovering the payment to which they are entitled.

It always boggles my mind that a plastic surgeon could wind up the victim of such a scam. Surely, there are numerous mechanisms in place, such as a review of the patient’s medical history or running their credit report prior to the procedure, to prevent this from happening. This is serious surgery, and you’d think the doctor would do his research before operating on someone. Apparently not.

I can understand it a little more for a non-invasive procedure like BOTOX. With no downtime after the procedure, it would be a little easier to escape quickly after the injections are completed. But after breast augmentation? How do you let the perp get away? It just doesn’t make sense.

German Plastic Surgeon Gets Scammed Over and Over Again

One German plastic surgeon, Dr. Michael Koenig, was duped by 4 patients. I guess he’s never heard the expression, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Fool me 4 times? Now you’re just an idiot.

Dr. Koenig said all the scams worked the same way: “The women registered under fake names. After the operations, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away.”

Amazing. Someone who had just undergone breast augmentation was able to simply run away – right after being given anesthesia and getting their bodies cut open. I think it’s time Dr. Koenig considers hiring a high school track athlete to hang out at the office and run down shady patients who are too fast for the good doctor and his staff to keep up with.

One patient who called herself “Tanja” asked to go out for some “fresh air” after her procedure. She never came back. She’s now the proud new owner of a $10,000 pair of breast implants for the bargain price of free.

Another woman going by the alias of “Sabine” made out even better. Her “free” breast implants should have cost her over $12,000. And yet, he still got scammed a couple more times. To quote an iconic movie, “Inconceivable!”

princess bride inconceivable

Most Wanted Posters

Dr. Koenig ultimately decided that he would not sit by idly as dishonest women absconded with their breast implants free of charge. After being duped by 4 patients, he was ready to fight back. There was only one problem – he didn’t know the true identities of the breast implant thieves, and he didn’t even have pictures of their faces.

But he did have some pictures to spearhead the search – Before and After photos.

Armed only with a few snapshots of his finished product, Dr. Koenig created some of the most unusual “Most Wanted” posters ever. They contained pictures of the women’s brand new breasts.

wanted poster

Imagine being a detective at the police station and receiving these “Most Wanted” posters. What are you supposed to do with them? It’s not like you can stare at the rack of all the women you see walking down the street in case they may be suspects.

“Excuse me, miss. You look like a D-cup. Can you take off your shirt so I can compare you to this picture? We’re investigating a breast implant thief.”

That just won’t fly. In fact, the police would be facing some serious harassment lawsuits if they even attempted to pursue those “leads.”

Dr. Koenig did get the German newspaper Bild to run the photos of Tanja’s surgically enhanced breasts. They included a caption calling it the “most unusual wanted poster police ever had.” Unless these women are famous porn stars, I’m assuming the newspaper photos won’t be of much help either.

wanted boobs

What’s a Doctor to Do?

So how do you avoid being duped by broke women desperate enough for breast implants that they create a false identity and walk out on you without paying? I suppose the obvious strategy is to demand payment upfront. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me. Either they pay you money or you don’t perform their breast augmentation.

If patients want to finance the procedure, you can make sure their loan is approved before you perform the procedure. If you accept credit cards, run the card a week before the procedure and make sure the charge gets approved prior to surgery day.

But you may also want to be a little more diligent in researching your patients before operating. This, to me, just seems like best practice protocol from any medical professional. Before performing major surgery, check out the person’s medical history. Call their regular doctor. Make sure everything is Kosher from a health standpoint so that you don’t expose yourself to a massive malpractice lawsuit. In the process, you will be able to figure out if something seems suspicious.

Ultimately, I think it’s safe to say that these “Most Wanted” breast posters will not help poor Dr. Koenig recoup the roughly $40,000 he was swindled out of by these shysty women. But hopefully if he reads this post, he may get a clue as to how to prevent this from happening again.

If you live in the Phoenix, Arizona area and would like to get breast augmentation, please contact Dr. Paul Angelchik today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Angelchik has more than 20 years of experience and has seen it all during that time. Don’t expect a silly scam like this to work on him.

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Man Gets Breast Implant in His Leg to Enhance Tattoo

June 17th, 2013

Logic dictates that breast augmentation should be performed on your breasts, right? Well, apparently Lane Jensen never got that memo.

I suppose you can say that what Jensen did was technically breast augmentation since the operation did enhance the appearance of female breasts. Of course, it would be even more accurate to say that since they were only a picture of female breasts tattooed on his leg, that he was actually just sticking a silicone breast implant in his leg.

And that’s just plain stupid.

leg boob horizontal

Jensen, a Canadian tattoo artist and editor of a body art magazine, felt his tattoo of a voluptuous cowgirl stripper wasn’t proportioned properly. Sure, she was a sexy beast, but she wasn’t as well endowed as he had hoped. This lady wasn’t going to get top dollar dancing on a pole. No sir. Not without some breast implants.

I’m sorry, I mean leg implants. Or is the technical term leg boobs? This is such novel territory for me. I don’t even know how to describe it. Well, that’s not entirely true. I think I hit the nail on the head the first time I tried to describe it – stupid.

leg boob vertical

The Lovely Lady on His Leg

I’m not sure “lovely lady” is the correct way to depict the woman immortalized by his tattoo. Maybe “tortured soul” would be a bit better? How about “sassy stripper?” Regardless, I feel pretty confident in saying she has the biggest chest in the Wild West.

Even before she got a little help from Sheriff Silicone, she had some stripper/porn star-like proportions. It looks like her bust size is twice as large as her waist size. I think it’s safe to say Lane Jensen isn’t a butt guy.

leg boob before

I would also venture to guess that Jensen likes mysterious women. I mean, we can’t even see her eyes with that wide-brimmed cowboy hat obscuring half of her face (her messy “I just had sex” hair covers most of the rest of it). All we can really see is her pouty lips, which doesn’t tell you much about her other than that she may have a bit of a mean streak.

And then there’s her outfit. Her garters and thong are being held up by what looks like two gun holster straps. Scandalous for any time period in American history. And her top barely covers those busting-out breasts.

Our Canadian tattoo artist is infatuated with cowgirl strippers from the Wild West. How dirty.

Busted!

To be perfectly honest, I don’t really think this tattoo needed a breast implant. I think whoever drew it did good job at giving her a rather massive chest befitting a woman of ill-repute. All the implant did was give Jensen a lumpy leg. Most likely, that was all people could focus on when they saw the absurd protrusion sticking out of his pants (no, he’s not happy to see you – this protrusion is coming from his calf).

Fortunately for the rest of us, breast implants aren’t meant to live in a leg. Several weeks after the procedure was performed, the breast implant ruptured. Apparently, his body rejected the implant. I guess it liked the lady as she was originally drawn.

One night, Jensen noticed that the sutures by the implant incision location had split and large quantities of lymphatic fluid were oozing out of his leg. “There was so much fluid in there,” he said. “I went back to the studio and pushed on it gently – the implant shot right out.”

And so ends one of the weirder body art experimentations of our time. Let’s just hope Jensen doesn’t put a sexy lady on his butt. Otherwise, his 3D body art may make it hard for him to sit down.

If you live in the Atlanta or Marietta, Georgia area and would like breast implants to improve the appearance of your chest, please contact Dr. Mark Crispin today to schedule your initial consultation. Sorry guys, Dr. Crispin doesn’t do leg boobs.

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Revenge Plastic Surgery – F&@k Your Ex with Your New Good Looks

June 10th, 2013

You’ve recently gotten divorced. The most traumatic, disastrous experience in your life is still fresh, leaving you with bitter, raw wounds that will likely take years to recover from. What’s a person to do?

These days, one of the most common answers is, “Get plastic surgery.”

That’s right. At first glance, plastic surgery may not seem like it would be at the top of your “Things to Help Me Heal after a Nasty Divorce” list. But for a growing number of men and women in the United States and Britain, it actually is.

For some of these people, plastic surgery offers a way to tighten up areas of your body you let go during marriage and boost your self-confidence before re-entering the dating world. While I think there are healthier and more psychologically stable ways to achieve this goal, I can at least understand the rationale in this case – especially if it has been decades since you have been out and about on the dating scene.

But for the vast majority of people seeking post-divorce plastic surgery, it seems their motive is far more sinister: REVENGE.

Yes, many woman and men are heading straight to their local plastic surgeon as soon as the dust settles on their divorce, and their stated goal is to make their ex jealous. They call this trend revenge plastic surgery.

revenge surgery

I suppose the rationale behind revenge plastic surgery is that your ex will be filled with rage (or remorse?) once they see what they are missing out on? I’ll tackle this line of thinking in a little bit. First, let’s talk more about this insane phenomenon exploding on both sides of the Atlantic.

Is this for Real?

Apparently, it is. In fact, there are enough people in the market for revenge plastic surgery that a fair number of plastic surgeons have started offering post-divorce discounts and post-divorce bundled procedure packages.

I guess these surgeons are trying to reel in that whale before it recovers from the initial blow of their divorce. One surgeon was even quoted as saying, “I personally believe this [revenge surgery] is part of the grieving process when a relationship ends.” Talk about integrity.

As you would likely expect, the bulk of procedures requested as part of revenge plastic surgery roughly mirror many of the most popular procedures requested by non-divorcees:

Some older yet still bitter divorcing people are also going all-in on the full face lift. Hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Get Over Yourself

So why are these people wasting their time trying to make their ex jealous? That, to me, is the million dollar question. If you are laser-focused on getting revenge and making your ex jealous, you aren’t really focused on moving on with your life. Seems like a silly way to embrace your newly single existence.

If these people really think that a little plastic surgery is going to make their ex jealous, they need to have their head examined. Based on my experience with people coming out of toxic marriages (which is admittedly rather small), it seems like most of them are thrilled to finally be free. The last thing they care about is how good their ex is looking.

If you think about it, it’s highly doubtful your ex would find you the slightest bit attractive even if you paid top dollar to the world’s best plastic surgeon and got results that made you look like a super model. When you hate someone, there’s very little they can do to make themselves attractive to you. If you view someone as an ugly individual, you are going to see them as ugly on the outside even if the rest of the world thinks they are jaw-dropping gorgeous.

While my arm-chair psychology evaluation may be a bit over-simplified, I think there is a bit of truth to it. And if you are seeking revenge on your ex, chances are you didn’t part ways in an amicable manner. So most likely, their response will be, “Good riddance. Go sleep with anyone you want. It’s not my problem anymore. You can be their headache now.”

These revenge plastic surgery people should just get over themselves and realize that the best way to move on from their failed marriage is to stop obsessing over what their ex is thinking about them. Instead, go live your life, have some fun, and take your mind off your ex by meeting someone new.

If you are recently divorced, living in the Scottsdale, Arizona area, and have a hankering for some revenge plastic surgery, please contact Dr. John Corey today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Corey will make sure your ex is green with envy next time you are out on the town with your new love interest.

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Woman has Dead Husband’s Ashes Sewn into Her Breast Implants

May 31st, 2013

“Ashes to ashes, dust to bust” has likely become Sandi Canseco’s mantra. The 26-year-old widow has apparently taken her “Till death do us part” vows very seriously, perhaps even too seriously. I suppose at this point, Sandi and her dead husband Dustin will truly be together forever – in life, death, and even in the afterlife.

After Dustin died in a road accident, Sandi went to great lengths to make sure he would stay close to her heart. In a bizarre move, she had his ashes sewn into her breast implants.

“It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin’s cremated remains in my breast implants, I’d never really have to part with him at all,” Sandi told reporters.

That may be true, but it also may create several other issues for her down the road. Let’s examine each in turn.

ashes in implants

What about New Guys?

I realize Sandi is extremely traumatized by the untimely death of the love of her life. But sooner or later, she’s going to realize that she has many more decades left on this planet, and it’s time to start living again. Most likely, those cremated remains lodged in her breast implants will not make for great conversation or give her that tingly feeling deep inside that she will eventually crave again (likely very soon – her clock will start ticking in a few years).

So while Dustin will always be near and dear to her heart (both literally and figuratively), sometime soon there will be some new guy making Sandi scream out in the throes of passion and ecstasy. And that guy will probably be grabbing her surgically enhanced boobs without realizing that he’s copping a feel of her dead husband.

Does it get any creepier than this?

What happens when she finally remarries and the socially awkward/oblivious relative gives a speech about how he never thought he’d see Sandi move on after she stuffed dead Dustin’s ashes in her breast implants? Someone at the wedding is probably going to faint, vomit, or try to dig those implants out with a meat cleaver.

Avoiding the Threesome

Sorry, but I just had to bring this one up. I hope Sandi likes threesomes, because she’s going to have one every time she’s with another guy. Hopefully she can find some kinky dudes who are down with sucking the dead, ashy nectar out of her bosom.

Once again, I find myself asking – does it get any creepier than this?

How will His Relatives React?

Will it be awkward when she runs into Dustin’s parents or siblings in the future? Will they just start staring at her breasts and start to cry? Will the dirtball younger brother use it as an excuse to cop a feel? He could tell her, “I just wanted to pay my respects to Dustin.”

What Happens when those Breast Implants Wear Out?

Sandi is only 26. Those breast implants are not going to last forever. Sooner or later, she will need to undergo a breast augmentation revision procedure to replace them. What happens to Dustin when it’s time to remove those breast implants?

Will she keep the old breast implants and put them in an urn on her mantle? Will she scatter the ashy silicone in the ocean? Will she keep them in her purse so she can feel Dustin’s presence everywhere she goes?

I can just imagine the conversation she has with her next plastic surgeon. “Be careful with those, doc. My dead husband’s ashes are in there.”

Worst case scenario – what happens if her breast implant ruptures? Then she’ll have Dustin’s ashes leaking throughout her body. He’ll not only be close to her heart, he’ll also invade every vital organ of her body.

Regardless, there is one thing that we can all agree on. It will likely be a long time before poor Dustin arrives at his final resting place. Until then, he’ll have to make due being encased in medical-grade silicone. Talk about a tortured soul.

If you live in the Northern Virginia area and need a plastic surgeon to stuff your dead husband’s remains into your breast implants, please contact the Virginia Center for Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation.

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4 Year Manhunt Ends for British Fugitive Criminal who had Plastic Surgery to Avoid Capture

May 21st, 2013

Last week, a stunning joint raid led by members of Spanish National Police and Britain’s Serious Organized Crime Agency (Soca) resulted in the capture of Andrew Moran, a British fugitive criminal who had been on the run for nearly 4 years. It was a great moment for these law enforcement agencies, especially Soca. The British organization has encountered a series of close calls in recent years, but had never before been able to get their man.

At the time the 31-year-old fugitive was finally captured, he was soaking up a few rays of sunshine and watering his plants by a swimming pool in Costa Blanca, Spain. The area is commonly referred to as “Costal del Crime” since it harbors a number of British criminals on the run from authorities.

fugitive mug shot

Moran didn’t exactly go quietly. He was heavily armed at the time of his arrest – police found 2 handguns, 60 rounds of ammo, and a machete (hidden under his bed) on the property. It took a team of officers to eventually bring him to the ground and secure him in handcuffs after he attempted to flee the scene. Moran tried to charge through thick bushes and climb onto a roof. I’ll bet he wishes that machete had been more accessible during the raid.

fugitive capture

Armed Robbery, Trial, and the Great Escape

Moran had been wanted for his participation in an armed robbery of British Royal Mail guards outside of an Asda supermarket in Colne, Lancashire back in 2005. He and his partners scored more than $38,000 at that robbery.

fugitive 1

At his trial in 2009, Moran made a stunning escape. He leapt over the dock at Burnley Crown Court, assaulted 4 security guards, and ran away from the judge. He has been on the run ever since.

Plastic Surgery and Numerous Close Calls

During his 4 years on the run, Moran has changed his appearance to keep a low profile and avoid capture. His efforts included plastic surgery, growing his hair longer, donning a creepy mustache, and a laser treatment to remove a mole from his chin. He also assumed various false identities while moving around Europe.

fugitive with mustache

Apparently, Moran could have used a few more dramatic facial plastic surgery procedures. Not only was he finally captured, but he has also been lucky during several close calls with police. The most notable incident came in November 2012, when he was almost captured at a spa town in southeast Spain called Los Alcazares. He plowed through two police cars and drove the wrong way up a highway in order to escape.

But it’s all over now. Moran is finally in police custody, and I have a feeling they will be much more careful at his upcoming court appearances than they were in 2009.

The Battle over Extradition

British authorities are trying to process his extradition, but it may be awhile before he returns to England and serves out his sentence for the 2005 armed robbery. Spanish law enforcement officials are currently looking into Moran’s potential involvement in several crimes committed during his days as a fugitive.

The most serious of these crimes is drug trafficking. If convicted, he may face up to 22 years in Spanish prison before returning home to serve out his British sentence. It may be a long time before he is watering plants by a pool again.

If you have committed a crime in the Northern Colorado area and need plastic surgery in order to evade a police manhunt, please contact Gonyon Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. After Dr. Gonyon is done with you, no one will recognize your mug shot.

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